AssemblyBoard

Dear Friends:

Some of you will rejoice, some will wonder, some may howl, but things have changed.  You can read about it on the main website, and more details will follow.

Repentance has occurred, is occurring, and will continue to occurr, and due to this I ask all of you to do your best to edify and encourage eachother, God is Amazing and what took place today is above all that I could ask or think.

I am going out to dinner, and later tonite I'll post a few answers to the questions you ask.  Use your telephones!  Spread the good news.  Where sin abounded, grace super-abounds! :)

This is for real!  Again, details to follow.

Brent Tr0ckman
Danny Edwards
Jeff Lehmkuhl
Roberto Sanchez
Ray Dienzo

Um...I liked some of the old humor, and I'm wondrin where they went.  
 ???

According to: http://geftakysassembly.com/Sunday!.html (http://geftakysassembly.com/Sunday!.html)


The Lord turned our laughter into true joy!

As much as I miss the "jokes", I rejoice that the Lord used our 1080 posts in a special way to bring joy to his people at the "delete key party"

Isaiah 52:7b "Your God reigns!"
8  Your watchmen shall lift up their voices, With their voices they shall sing together; For they shall see eye to eye When the LORD brings back Zion.
9b  Break forth into joy, sing together

Ok, I've had enough!  You are asking jokers like me to stop joking?!?!?!  Can a leopard change its spots?  Is the Pope Catholic?  

Your "new humor" is sooooooo bad, I've started watching reruns of the "Love Boat" for entertainment!

Your "new humor" is sooooooo bad, that I can't eat or talk anymore because I've just recorded the world's longest yawn (157hrs!)

Your "new humor" is sooooooo bad, a bunch of computer geeks right now are trying to get your password to shut you down!

Your "new humor" is sooooooo bad, you make Al Gore sound like an inspirational speaker!

Your "new humor" is sooooooo bad, I think purgatory is upon us!

Dear poster Garth

Please, do not violate your posterhood, or compromise your ;D posternality!  ;D

Just don't make us laugh...... ;D ;D ;D

Brent

THIS HUMOR DESERVES A BOOT ON THE POSTERIOR!!!!! :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

OH NO!  IT'S HAPPENNING AGAIN!!!!!

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER!!


I must post, post, post, post, post!

So are we going to bring back the dork-eepers?  And how about some George pictures for old time's sake?  Waddya say!?

Arthur,

I knew you would come back here!!  I knew I could count on my fellow jokester.  We can be jesters in the King's court!  Maybe we better hold out on the pictures, however.  Remember, this is "new" humor.  Sort-of like "new and improved".  But,.........do you have any pictures of Brent?  I think he should get roasted now.  He wanted "new" humor, so "Waddya say!?"  

Here is some of the "Old Humor" ;D

There were 3 preachers talking about how they divide up the offering.  

The first said he draws a circle on the ground, then he stands in middle of the circle and throws all the money up into the air.  Whatever falls outside the circle is God's.  Whatever falls inside the circle is for him.

The second said he also draws a circle on the ground and throws all the money up into the air.  But, whatever falls inside the circle is God's and whatever falls outside the circle is for him.

The third preacher said his method is even simpler.  He did not need the circle at all.  He just throws all the money up into the air.  Whatever God throws back is for him.

==================
No Garth my signature is not the punch line   ::)

Bob,

Did you use that Jim Elliot quote as a punchline for your joke?

Arthur,

SSSHHHHHHH!  (that's our story...get it?)

By the way, where is Queen KimberlEy?....the scullery steward of the soaking pots and pans for the ministry of the dynamic oversight of the redemption-planned persons(something like that ::))

Here are the "new" rules:

No fast food references!
No Dork-eeper talk
No enema jokes
No sisters posting without headcoverings
No pictures (either modified or real)
No references to bad preaching that made us "pass-out"
No making fun of me, Garth, AT ALL!

I was a doork-eeper in the days when the Gerson diet with its coffee enemas was fairly common.  When any saint would show of looking wiped out we would ask them if they have been taking their coffee on the wrong end again.  ;D

==================
No Garth my signature is not the punch line  :)

Here's a start:

(http://www.cvfalcons.com/alumni/80Classfolder/80Tr0ckmanbsenior.jpg)

But beware, of any modifications to this photo, as we may have photos of you as well.  ;D

Bob,

You violated rules 2 and 3.  Three strikes and you may be out of your job as court jester!

Crockie!  Is that Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter?  I see the resemblance!  
http://a1912.g.akamaitech.net/7/1912/34/6e183d8bcd63ef/animal.discovery.com/fansites/crochunter/photos/gallery/gallery.03_sm.jpg

Does my madonna phone count as a headcovering? ;D ;D ;D

Hi Auther and Garth,

Brent wanted me to tell you guys that it's "open season" :D

You guys are funny! ;D ;D ;D

Mrs. Crockhunter

Well Sousan tell Briant that I'd be happy oblige if his wife could spell my first name right ;)

After all these years?  And I thought you were my friend.  See if I get a little something special for your birthday this year!  (Oh, er, I guess I never have...when's your birthday again?)

Hi Bob,

I still can't figure out this bb sometimes.  I really liked the verse from Is 52 and wanted to respond but I think I reposted your post.  Oh well.

Arther, I mean Arthur, I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong. Can you see why I hardly ever post.

Suzie T

Hey, guys, I HAVE noticed a change.  I'm not a Jr. Overcomer any longer.  I am now a Senior Member.  So are we going switching from coporate fellowship to corporate America? Does the fact that I'm a Senior Member mean that I now have a vote on the board, stock options in geftakysassembly.COM, and a key to the executive virus scanner?
I knew it was all about the money, now the true colors are showing.  I predict the next change will be in the bulletin board color from baby blue to money green.

I'm not even posting in the right place.  I think I need a refill on the hair color.

Suzie,

Don't worry we don't think you are blonde.  In fact here is your picture:



(http://a1912.g.akamaitech.net/7/1912/34/de15231f4abee2/animal.discovery.com/fansites/crochunter/gallery/terribio_lg.jpg)

KimberlEy,

What is a "Madonna Phone"?

Is it a phone that has her picture on it?  If the phone just touches your ear, that isn't enough.  You must balance the receiver on top of your head.  I know that we live in a material world, but have you become a "material girl"?



Arthur (maybe an author as well),

Congrats on your promotion!  You have been a real postman.

Garth - Madonna phone: A family inside joke.  Madonna was one of the first in her concerts to wear one of those microphones you don't have to hold.  

Hey, it's not just "touching my ear."  This thing goes all the way over my head (hence-head covering! ;))

Um..Madonna's phone covers your hair about as much as her clothes cover...well you get the point.   :o

Kimberley!!!

That's not a Madonna phone...

Every time Rob sees me wearing that, it's my BRITNEY SPEARS HEADSET.

 ;D 8)

I'd say one of those little head mikes woulda come in handy during the Lord's supper at a seminar.  That way we wouldn't all have to be Jim Hayman for people to hear what you were saying.  What's the longest that anyone's recorded for how long two people would be praying at once without realizing it?

 :D

this was in sunday's comics - Non Sequitur

Oh my... What's this all about, Bert?

Homer's getting a lesson in political logic

Ah, yes... Futility 101

((( BURN THE BLASPHEMER )))

     But all i did was save a girl...
     Who say's that's blasphemy?

     The Bishop!
     And to question him is the
     same as questioning the
     infallible word of GOD!!

     Uh... Who told you that?

     Hmmm... Now that you mention
     it, that decree was made by
     the bishop

     Didn't that make any of you a little
     suspicious about his motives?

     .....  Pause  .....

     Well now, that would be questioning
     the bishop, wouldn't it?

(((  BURN THE BLASPHEMER!!  )))

 ;D

R

Hi Dale U.  Remember that time you were publicly repremanded at (a seminar only about a 1000 people there)  for reading your Bible in a prone position?  Brother have you gotten the victory over this yet?   :o :o :o :o :o :o

Rainbow Shrimp Salad

I remember one time "a brother" was cooking dinner in Chicago.  We were having "Rainbow Shrimp Salad"

We also had Paul Martin visiting at that time.  He commented that it was a "little chewy", are we sure it was cooked well enough?

The brother said he had only poured boiling water over it, however it was "pre-cooked".

After the meal someone checked out the shrimp packages, the first two said "ready to serve"; the third said "ready to cook"  :-X


"Where he leads me I will follow; what he feeds me I will swallow."

Luke 10: 8  Whatever city you enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you.

1 Corinthians 10: 27  If any . . . invites you to dinner, and you desire to go, eat whatever is set before you, asking no question . . . .


Paul M, if you ever read this, I want to apologize for feeding you raw shrimp!

==================
No Garth, my signature is not the punch line

An amish couple  and their  grandson decided to visit the  city for the first time.  Inside a department store the young boy walked around in captive amazment.  His grandfather caught up to him only to find him transfixed in front of an elevator door.  "Vat is dis grandpa?"  "I don know son?" Both of them watched when an elderly woman approached the door and pushed to button.  The doors opened and the elderly lady hobbled in.  After the door closed  the boy and his grandfather noticed a series of light flash above the door. To their amazement the door opened up again and a young woman walked out.  The grandfather  said, "Son  hurry up and go get your grandmother!!!"

 ;D lol

A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

Okay, did anybody hear the one about one of Maharishi's followers who didn't want any novocaine when he was getting dental work done.  He wanted to "Transcend Dental Medication" :)

LOL!   ;D

Thank you retread  ;D
That was worthy of lol :)

I remember one time "a brother" was cooking dinner in Chicago.  We were having "Rainbow Shrimp Salad"

Bob you're sharing one of your BEST cooking stories!

What do you get when you cross a Jahovahs Wittness with a Unitarian? A person who goes around knock
ing on doors for no apparent reason!

What do God and the control freak have in common?

They both love you and have a wonderful plan for your life.
 :o :D :o :D :o :D ;)

I couldn't help but notice Best Buy's stock has gone up about 15% since the first of the year!!

Makes me wonder how many tv's have been sold to saints since then .......

Wow, a good memory David!

I was wondering where that vertical crease on my forehead came from. And the sweat marks on the pages of Ephesians 3 and 4 will always have special meaning... :)

As for the TV.................

Well, alot of folks probably have more closet space now.

I bought a tv when our LB got a computer with a DVD player and started inviting us over for movies. I figured I'd go the economical route.  ;)

Hey Ollie!

Ye Sven?

Did ya notice in the broders letter these phrases,  "Last 20 years..(just been brought to our) attention"

Yea Ollie days mus think were stupid or somthin? ;D ;D ;D

The other night three of us went on over to Downey Honda and had a prayer meeting in the parking lot. We were simply trying to follow the Biblical pattern and "pray with one ACCORD".     Ok Ok I know that's an old one--but its the only joke I could think of.

---Joe

Ollie and Sven bought a mule but were having difficulty with it because the stable door was too low.  Everytime the mule would walk through the doorway its ears would rub against the top and set the mule off into a kicking spree.  So Ollie and Sven set to work at sanding away at the door.  When a friend drove by he noticed what was happening.  "Hey you guys, just dig out a few inches of dirt and it will allow the mule to get through just fine!"  As he was driving off Ollie said "What a stupid idiot!  Its the mules ears that are too big not his leggs!" :P :P :P

Norge jokes eh?  How bout some Polish ones?

Why did the Polish submarine sink?  

Because they forgot to shut the screen door.

how do leftcoasters tell jokes?  :P

because they built it with a screen door. if its a screen door then shutting it won't make a whole lot o' difference, now will it?  ;D

btw, my wife is hungarian. too bad she is not polish, then i would really put you in your place  :)

Yes, I realize that, but you see, I was telling it from the Pollack's perspective.     :P

What humor is there in "because they built in a screen door?"  I mean, come on man.   ::)   ;)

oh yes, very authentic


no no no, not built in a screen door, they only built a screen door. and who said it was funny?

 ;D ;D ;D

my parents are out for the night having dinner with Brian Tucker (and his wife i think, i wasnt clear on that part).


and they left me alone. with my siblings. mwa ha ha...time to break out the sissors and chloroform!



....just kidding. sort of anyway
:D

Ollie and Sven went to a potluck.  sven won a doorprize.  It was a toilet brush!  About two weeks later:  

Ollie:  "Hey Sven hows that toilet brush workin out?"  

Sven: "Its O.K. I guess, But I'd rather use toilet paper!"

OOOuuch !  :o

There is a gas station near the meeting place in Chicago that has a Taco Bell.

We always joked that you could get gas and "gas" at the same time.


==================
No Garth my signature is not the punch line  :)

Thought you had bad children ...
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy


Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he
tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thankyou,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as
Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner." Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped
it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 4
God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Food for thought

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do, "practice"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?  You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Olie is walking down the street with a bag.

Sven "Hey wacha got in da bag?"

Olie: Chickens!"

Sven: "If I can guess how many can I have one?"


Olie: Sure if you can guess how many I'll give ya both of them!"

     A rabbi's son was nearing the age when he could get a driver's license.  He asked the rabbi, "Pop, will you get me a car for my birthday?"

     The rabbi considered, then said, "I'll tell you what:  You show me you are responsible by bringing up your school grades, taking seriously your study of the talmud, and cutting your hair to a decent length, and I will give you a car."

     A week before his birthday, the son approached his father again.  "I have shown you that I am responsible.  Are you going to give me the car I asked for?"

     The rabbi looked at his son with a serious expression, and said, "My boy, I am very proud that you have been placed on the honor roll at school and you are excelling in your study of talmud, but your long hair is still a disgrace."

     "I've been thinking about that, dad.  All the great men of the scriptures had long hair: Samson had long hair, Moses and all the prophets are always shown with long hair.  Even Jesus had long hair," the son argued.

     "Yes," answered the rabbi, "And you'll notice that everywhere they went, they walked!"

Ah.. he should have referenced Elijah since he got that chariot :)  Hmm..but maybe that wouldn't fly since no long hair was mentioned?

     OK, so this guy walks into a church, right?  ...and while he's looking around, the pastor walks up to him and says, "Do you like the way our church is laid out?"
     The guy replies, "It's laid out very nicely. How long has it been dead?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

     In a small, ramshackle backwoods country church, the preacher is holding forth with great zeal.  Two oldtimers, each chomping a large plug of tobacco, sit in the front row cheering him on.
     He preaches against the sin of gambling, and the two old fellows shout "Amen, preacher!"
     He rails against the sin of drunkenness, and they holler, "Preach it, brother!"
     There follow attacks upon the sins of carousing, drugs, and dancing, all met by the aged parishoners with shouts of "Hallelujah!  You tell it!"
     At last, the preacher gets around to the sin of chewing tobacco.  One of the elderly gents leans toward the other and says, "Now he's gone from preachin' to meddlin'!"

     OK, so this guy walks into a church, right?  ...and while he's looking around, the pastor walks up to him and says, "Do you like the way our church is laid out?"
     The guy replies, "It's laid out very nicely. How long has it been dead?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

     In a small, ramshackle backwoods country church, the preacher is holding forth with great zeal.  Two oldtimers, each chomping a large plug of tobacco, sit in the front row cheering him on.
     He preaches against the sin of gambling, and the two old fellows shout "Amen, preacher!"
     He rails against the sin of drunkenness, and they holler, "Preach it, brother!"
     There follow attacks upon the sins of carousing, drugs, and dancing, all met by the aged parishoners with shouts of "Hallelujah!  You tell it!"
     At last, the preacher gets around to the sin of chewing tobacco.  One of the elderly gents leans toward the other and says, "Now he's gone from preachin' to meddlin'!"

This was in Sunday's comics.

Non - Sequitur


The principal just called and told me what you did, Danae...
What do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, sure...  Just pile on with everyone else!
Why must you keep dwelling on the past?

But you just did it today.

OK...  While I agree that the incident was, let's say, avoidable,
I think it should be pointed out that only a small percentage
of the boys were hit by my perfume-filled balloons.

Frankly, I'm offended by the constant harping on this one
issue and that you'd stoop to such blatantly bigotted
GIRL - BASHING !!

Uh..  Gosh.
I'm sorry.

OK...  Just don't let it happen again

Dad:            What the heck just happened?

Danae's sis: The Victimization Rope-A-Dope.
                    It's all the rage today, Daddy.

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Give me three beers please".  "Three beers? You sure
you want three beers?" says the bartender. "Yeah--three.
One for me and one in the remembrance of both of my brothers". He downs them quickly and walks out. The next night he walks in and asks for the same. "Listen fella, I think you got a serious drinking problem" says the bartender. "Mind your own business and give me a beer and
one each for my brothers". The next night he comes in and
says "Two beers please". "Two?" asks the bartender, "what happened to the three". "Oh I took your advice and quit drinking" says the guy.

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can do math and those who can't

---

A favorite joke among San Francisco lawyers concerns the phony who fakes an injury in an auto accident, comes to court in a wheel chair, and is awarded two hundred thousand dollars.  When the verdict is announced, the insurance company lawyer snaps, "You're going to be tailed by a private eye wherever you go from now on, and as soon as you take one step out of that wheelchair, we'll throw you in jail."  The phony smiles and advises the lawyer pleasantly, "Don't go to all that trouble.  I'm going from here to the Waldorf in New York, then to the Savoy in London, then to the Ritz in Paris, then on to the French Riviera, --- and after that to Lourdes for the miracle."

---

Harry went to the dentist to have a tooth checked out. The dentist asked him if he wanted him to freeze the area first.
Harry replies, 'No. I'm trying to transcend dental medication.'

TRUE STORY:

     My wife, Cathy came home the other afternoon looking mildly displeased.  
     "What's wrong?" i asked.
     "I thought you said this would be a good day to mow the lawn," she replied with a sweeping gesture toward our tall grass.
     "Well, i did say that, and it is true," i told her, "But you're reading WAY too much into it."

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.  

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.  He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.  


('Someone' whose initials are AH sent this to me)

What about the notorious al-Hartman association?

Stephen,     That's El-al to you!

quote author=Peacefulg link=board=9;threadid=408;start=0#10511 date=06June2003

Two things!

1. I thought Paul was an apostle, so technically you would have to have to go with the 13 apostles.  And McGov I agree with you regarding connecting signs and wonders with apostles.
...

Cheers,
George
end-quote

George, you are the umpteenth person who has referred to me as McGov.  Even Kim (oops sorry Kimberley) referred to by that name.  Bre did too, and others.  But its Al's fault, because he started it.

M

the fine print:  I hope everyone knows that I am joking!


PS.  George, are you British?

Ok MGov, sorry about the McGov name, it is that old assembly (eeerrr McDonald's programming left in me).

No I am not British, and would never want to be, but I would like to be Icelandic!   ;D

Cheers,
g

George,

Your usage of Cheers (I like it) threw me off.  Maybe you've watched a lot of British movies.

M

Naw, I use it because I like being as "perky" as one can in an email or posting.  ;)

Also I do work with a lot of Brits, and it is cool when they end the call cheers in that cute little british accent (awwww heck might just send my son to boarding shool in the UK, just to pick it up!)   :o

Right on!
G

P.S.  Hmmm "Right on" just does not have the same ring to it as cheers!  :P

     OK, let's kick the old guy!  Back in my day, people respected their elders!!!
    Oh, sure.  We know that.  Yup.  Uh-huh.

al