AssemblyBoard

[Part one of three]

       The following is a free presentation by Dr. Alan Zimmerman.  
It is applicable to us all, particularly on this bulletin board:
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I grew up with a dangerous myth.  I was told that:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will
never hurt me."

How stupid!  Words are one of the most powerful forces
on earth.  People, relationships, even nations are
built up or brought down by words.

Words are powerful because they can never be taken back.
Once spoken, they can't be retrieved.  They can't be
pulled back into the mouth, and they can't be extracted
from someone else's memory.

It's like the old Jewish teaching that compares the
tongue to an arrow.  A condemned man is to be shot with
an arrow, but he asks for the sword instead.  The
condemned man knows that once the executioner has
unsheathed his sword, he could beg for mercy.  The
executioner might be persuaded to return the sword to
its scabbard.  But once the arrow has been shot, it
cannot be returned.

Words are the same way.  Words are powerful because
they can never be taken back.  

Of course there are many different types of words,
but two of the most destructive are blame and gossip.  
They destroy personal relationships, and they destroy
work teams.  They block understanding, prevent problem
solving, and demoralize their recipients.  They're
just plain bad news no matter how you slice it.

       [to be continued...]

       [Part two of three]

Let's start with blame.  I'll talk about gossip next
week.  [If you want to read this, go to:  http://www.drzimmerman.com/default.htm  
to request it.  al H.]

I remember one woman who wrote for advice.  In her e-mail
she complained about her husband.  She even listed all of
his faults.  Then she said, "I really told him off the
other day.  He'll treat me better or else!"

As her letter went on, it was quite obvious she was
very angry.  Her tone was one of blame-blame-blame,
what was wrong with her husband, and how he had caused
all of her problems.  Surprisingly, she finished her
letter by asking how she could have a better relationship
with her husband.

I told her that indeed her husband sounded like a very
difficult person.  However, her blame would never
improve their situation.  It never does.

In fact blame is at the center of many male-female
conflicts.  Rather than work at understanding one another,
people of the opposite sex often blame each
other when there is a problem.

That came out in one college professor's classroom.
On the blackboard he wrote, "Woman without her man is
a savage."  He instructed his students to punctuate the
sentence correctly.  

The males wrote:  "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The females wrote:  Woman!  Without her, man is a savage."

Blame doesn't work because it bankrupts the other person.  
Psychotherapist Jonathon Robinson talks about that in
his book, "Communication Miracles for Couples."  He talks
about the "self-esteem bank account."

By way of explanation, Robinson says the average person
should have $10 in his self-esteem bank account.  When
his account is empty, bad things happen.  After all, no
one can stand to be bankrupt for very long.

Quite often, the bankrupt person gets violent.  He
tries to "take" some self-esteem "dollars" from someone
else by blaming the other person for his problems. And
in some dysfunctional way, the blame makes him feel a
bit better.  

Unfortunately, blame makes the other person feel
attacked, who then proceeds to blame and insult in
self-defense.  He says something like, "You think I'm
selfish?  You should look in the mirror."

       [to be continued...]

       [Part three of three]

Blaming is not an effective way to get another person
to listen to you or work with you on solving a problem.  
In fact, just the opposite is needed.

Everyone needs the three A's:  acknowledgement,
appreciation, and acceptance.  Without those three
things, people get defensive and refuse to let you
in.  But when you give someone the three A's, his
self-esteem bank balance goes up.  And as
his balance goes up, he will naturally become more
loving, more giving, and more willing to listen.

Instead of blame, I teach feedback skills.  Family
therapist, Virginia Satir said it best.  She said,
"The challenge is how to give feedback so it comes as
a gift rather than criticism."

Words are powerful.  They can't be taken back.  So
choose them wisely.  And as you choose, be very careful
of using words of blame.  They almost never work.


Action:

Select a difficult person in your life.  Then, for one
month, refrain from any blame or criticism of this person.
Don't say negative things to this person, and don't say
negative things to other people about this difficult person.

Instead, apply the 3 A's of acknowledgement, appreciation,
and acceptance to this difficult person.  Do it sincerely,
and do it sporadically over the next month.

Then, at the end of the month, check out the results of
your experiment.  I'll bet that person has become
less difficult.

Have a fantastic week!
Dr. Alan Zimmerman
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note:  Dr. Zimmerman is not a professing Christian, yet his thoughts
are practical, kind and wise.  How much more should the people of
God be exercised in the matters of public and private expression...

be blest as you consider these things,
al Hartman

But beware of the taint of poison that tends to contaminate worldly wisdom.  Instead of self-esteem, what we need is God's esteem, which is gained by faith in God's love for us.

Self-esteem is what Lucifer had when he said, "... I will be like the most high."  Is. 14:14.  Self-esteem is what the serpent tempted Eve with when he said, "... ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil."  Gen. 3:5.

God's esteem is seen in John 3:16.  "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

We need to believe that God so loves us.

     Well said, Stephen, and that is precisely my point!

al