AssemblyBoard

I am glad to be able to read these topics you have posted. It made me laugh to see all these ones who have "moved on" but can't seem to "move on".

Hi Golden,
     Welcome aboard & thanks for weighing in :D.  Since we don't know your perspective ???, & your statement is subject to broad interpretation, would you mind elaborating?   :) Thanks.

al Hartman

COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you  get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our  coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking  around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I  can just wait for my coffee" Wife replies, "No you should do it, and  besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."  Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched  the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

............. "HEBREWS"

I'm moved, can't you see that?  Deeply, really  :'(

But seriously, I've moved on...into the the 500-post ionosphere. :-X  

And I see you've moved on sooo much so as to be checking up on us and were so moved so as to write that post!  Ha, we're all maroons.   :P

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Mraica---

I dno't urdnenstad waht yuore syanig. Ervetynihg is
jmulbed. Pealse epxlian yuoserlf btteer nxet tmie.

tankhs.

Longer words should be harder to recognize.  How about:

asnenesitihidrbamaisnltastim

or:

sdcipuiuaipicraistecixaolfrollgeis

 ???

Those were easy. They jumped ritgh uot at me

antidisestablishmentarianism

supercalafragilisticexpialodocious

no problem.

Bnert

 :DFINALLY!!!  VERNE IS USING WORDS I CAN UNDERSTAND!!![/B]

al ;D

Brent,

You misspelled one of those words.

How about a quote from a children's book that I remember from back when I lived with Tom Maddux:

Xnhiatc xureess xayrpgolh xheyoonpls.

Steve,

Does that mean "My uncle roasted a kangaroo"?

Tom

Hmmmm,

    I'm very concerned at what I'm *hearing* from this thread.   I'm  thinking that George is Ghost Writing for all who have posted here....I'm serious because these messages are sounding like the last tape seminar I listened to!! =)

   Give me a break folks, do you have any idea what my screen reading software is doing with these messages?!!

That'll be enough of that!

Tnoy

If you remember, that song was on an LP record of children's songs, not in a book.  There was a tenor opera singer who was singing the following:

My uncle roasted a kangaroo;
Gave me the gristly end to chew.
Was that a very nice thing to do,
To give me the gristly end of a kangaroo to chew!

This was sung to the tune of the Soldiers' chorus from Gounod's Faust.

A elderly couple who have been married for 50 years are asleep in bed when the wife wakes her husband  and tells him,"Honey, I love you with all my heart" startled the husband replies, "I love you more" . "Then will you do something for me"? the wife asks.  "Absolutely"!! replies the happy wide awake husband. "Would you please go get me a hot fudge sundae with sprinkles?"  "What!!, it's 3 o'clock in the morning"?!! I know it is, but would you please ?
 "Sweetheart " replies the old man, " you have been nothing but a blessing to me!, you want a sundae, I'll get you a sundae!
 WIFE:  "Now be sure to write it down, because you will forget the sprinkles"
HUSBAND: "I dont need to write it down"
WIFE: "Now Honey, I know you well enough that you will forget the sprinkles" !
HUSBAND: "I won't forget"!!
So with that the husband gets dressed to fulfill his brides request. He returns with a bag and hands it to her. She opens it only to find a hot ham and cheese sandwich. "See, I told you that you should have wrote it down"!, exclaimed the wife. " You forgot the mustard"!!

I know Steve,

I remember the night we played that children's record in the living room on Collins Ave.  We were all howling with laughter.

God bless,

Thomas Maddux

The way I remember it is that you were laughing so hard that you got everybody else laughing too. ::)

It would seem that the words in this quote aren't common enough to be obvious:

Xnhiatc xureess xayrpgolh xheyoonpls.

What do you mean not obvious? Could it be:

Xanthic xeruses xylograph xylophones.  :)

The title of the book was "A Beastly Circus".

On the following page was something like:

Young yodeling yogi yaks yank yellow yams.

Does anyone remember

Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge dock flourist.
...

Dave

Sounds like Ladle Rat Rotten Hut to me.  One of those things that is easier to hear being read than to read yourself.

     Eye dough no watt chew guise art all king awe bout.  Cud shoe bee awl it'll morgue leer?

owl  

     Sorry, Marcia, i'm not old enough to remember back that far, but my parents told me about the 70s...

 ;) :) :D ;D

     Well, of course you meant the 1970s ::) ::)-- Ray Croc hadn't even yet been born in the 1870s, let alone founded Mickey D's.
     My claim still stands as previously stated! ;) :) :D ;D

For those who missed the "privilege"...

This was one of the stories that I read numerous times at the Southern California campus conferences.

Realistically, it was one of the few times that I got to do something with the assembly that I was actually good at.  Perhaps that's why the last campus conference I went to didn't have a talent show.

My kids and I sang this song just today. We were observing how "all" our knowledge came from TV songs (ABC school rocks taught me the preamble). Anyways, it goes like this:

                 Two all beef patty, special sauce, lettuce,
                 cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

When my junior high band travelled to parades we  entertained ourselves by singing the theme to Gilligan's Island, The Brady Bunch and other really important TV shows. Actually, I learned Ephesians 4:32 by song in Primaries (Southern Baptist Sunday School for the wee ones) and have never, ever forgotten it.

 ;DLord Bless,
Karey

I have not watched TV for about 21 years (except while visiting family or while on vacation). Yet after 21+ years I still remember that BigMac commercial quite well. The point is that 21+ years of assembly programming is not going to just 'fly away' in 10 months.

Marcia

Perhaps you've heard this before:

A man is visiting a Muslim country and sees a man plodding along and his wife is walking 3 steps behind him. He says "Why is she doing that?" A guide answers him "The woman always walks 3 steps behind the man as a show of respect".

Later that day they are on the other side of the same city. The man sees a man and wife walking across a field to a group of buildings in the distance. But this time the wife is walking 3 steps ahead of the man.
"Now that's better!! says the man, "This time the woman is being shown respect".  "No" says the guide, "there are many landmines in this area".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If...

* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

* People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000) whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

* When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up

* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't
get out of."

* The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

* Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last name in the church directory.

* Baptism is referred to as "branding."

* There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

* Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

* High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

* People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

* The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

* The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

* The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

Hey, Joe, anything you'd like to add?

i know you were all wondering about this, so i thought i would put an end to the rumors:

Brian is the 20th most popular male first name in the United States; frequency is 0.736%; percentile is 32.061

Brian is the 3,582nd most popular female first name in the United States; frequency is 0.001%; percentile is 89.297

Tucker is the 128th most popular last name (surname) in the United States; frequency is 0.070%; percentile is 20.971


http://www.placesnamed.com/

Scott----

LOL ;D--that's hilarious!

--Joe

That would be James for first name, and Smith for last name.

David Brown isn't too far from the top.

Where are you getting this info on this site? I don't see that at all.

S

use the small white box on the left side, where it says:

Goto page for:  New!
[____________]
Type name & press {Enter}

no need to kick yourself, its not very emphasized considering its the main (and only) feature of the site.  :)

Hahahahaha!  Verne, thank you that was great.
Of course we've heard it wasn't necessarily a whale, but a big fish.  I'm picturing in my head an oversized oscar...I'm glad now that I got rid of my aquarium b/f it was too late:o

(http://www.msu.edu/~mcclin39/Pictures/An%20Oscar.jpg)

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
is nine squared and not a bit more.

---Jon Saxton (math textbook author)


The Flood is over and the ark has landed.  Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing.  Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals.  Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.  "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.  Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes.  "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

Joe,

You're the last person I expected to hear this from! A joke like that is kind of like "Insert Nationality Here".

I'm guessing that joke is told in Australia about Americans and in England about the French (which is much funnier and more appropriate).

Where I come from every joke begins with, "Did you hear the one about the two Hoosiers who . . . "

By the way, my great-great-great-great-great grandparents came from Britain and my great-grandparents were Hoosiers.

All in fun.

Scott McCumber

PS - Did you know: The only countries the US has never spied on - Canada, Great Britain and Australia. If you can't make fun of your friends, who can you make fun of?

You Know you were in the assembly when....

you catch yourself mat training your dog

 road rage means screaming, "are you rejoicing Brother" ?

you place food orders for female restaurant patrons you don't know

you can sit longer than anyone you know

you give your cat consequences

you take notes while watching the Wheel Of Fortune

at work seminars you randomly blurt out "AMEN"

Mark, I think you deserve some sort of prize for that post, it was hilarious!
H

Scott/Recovering Saint---

You're absolutley right!! Where did my sense of
humor go???? Today has been a strange day with a
lot of stress.(not that every day doesn't have some stress in it).  I do have to admit a weakness though---and this may sound strange---but if I hear the British or the Israelis being made fun of I get defensive for them---seriously--I really do---like they need anyone to defend them!!! :D I have deleted my "defensive" post--because I need to "lighten up a bit". Take care guys, and keep the jokes coming!!!

--Joe

Thanks!

I need to me more sensitive as well.

BTW

I respect Bush and Blair for going to Iraq and support all the allies including those serving in Afghanistan.

I am a staunch supporter of Israel and hope that the Palestinians can have a homeland and both live in peace. We can pray for that.

Ohhhhhhhh no this is about laughter and I am so serious.

Love you brother.

Here is something to consider when mat training.

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/madeapoop/madeapoop.swf

Thanks for that link, Recovering Saint! Even though it wasn't quite as funny as the Dave Barry column on herring research, it was cute. This one is also kind of cute:

http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=71183

H

After visiting those links you can run this program to see the junk that those links put on your computer:

http://spybot.safer-networking.de/ (http://spybot.safer-networking.de/)

I usually verify that a link doesn't put junk on my computer before posting it.

You mean those cute little babies put junk on my computer??? How dare they!!  >:(
I didn't realize that. Thanks for pointing it out! I'll try and be more careful in the future.
H

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person.  Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a..........




(wait for it...)




(you aren't ready yet, scan down just a bit more...)




(Promise not to get mad at me for this one....)




"Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Oldie but goody:

Frog goes in to the bank to apply for a line of credit. He sits at the desk of Personal Banker Patricia Wack. She’s a little taken aback by a frog at her desk but she gamely processes his request.

“Do you have any collateral, Mr. Frog?”

The frog produces a strangely shaped statuette and sets it down gently, beaming.

The banker carries the statuette to her boss and explains what is going on.

“I’d like to help him but this is all he has for collateral. I don’t even know what it is,” she says.

Her boss peers over his spectacles, turning the statue around in his fingers.

Satisfied, he turns to her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan!”

Here is some Canadian humour

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone!!

“No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there!! I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.

     How utterly deceitful you Cannucks can be! :o  ...and how delightfully clever!  :D
     Happy Boxing Day!!! ;D

 ;)al

My parents told me I had to show up at Christmas upon threat of the withholding of birthday presents   :o

talk about motivation to drive 3 hours  ::)
--
lucas

What did one antelope say to the other antelope?

"Happy Gnu Year" :) ;) :D ;D ???

I Gnu that one, but why did the ant-elope in the first place? Nobody gnu, but I think it was with the deer.  You know, from the "Deer and the Ant-Elope" play.

;D

Retread Again

I wonder if their offspring was"dear".

Ta dump dump. [rim shot on the snare drum]

And now for today's funny.

Steve - Are you still working at the bank?

George - No, I got fired for pushing a customer.

Steve - Why did you do that?

George - He asked me to check his balance.

OK everybody here are a few more laughs.

Moe: I feel crummy this morning.

Joe: Why's that?

Moe: I ate crackers in bed last night.

OK hold the stones what about this one.

Boss: Before I hire you to be my secretary, I need to know your punctuation skills.

Marlena: Oh don't worry! I'm always on time!

See you next time. Abee Abee Abee that's all fokes.

I just thought of something ..its funny to me now ..but at the time I was a little freaked out...I was "sick " one morning probibly sunday...And I just happened to be singing in the shower ...the LB informed me that I could'nt possibly be sick /or that sick if I was singing in the shower...WHAT??? Dont think I ever sang in the shower again  under that roof.... Busted!!!!

Remember the days when we used to all drink out the same wine glass....even at seminars?  :-X

That took some serious faith!  You knew that there were people there who were really, really sick, and they used a special "sick cup," but then how many were about to be sick and spread their germs, moustache hairs, etc?   DISGUSTING!

I rejoiced when we went to dixie cups.

When I started getting sick alot, towards the last few years of my involvement,  the LB's knew that I was faking it,  (or at least they strongly suspected) and asked if I had visited a doctor.  When I said "no," they admonished me that if I was this sick all the time, I should see a doctor.  Betty gave me the OK to go on Gerson, but I wanted no part of that....so I just stalled.

Later on I gained the courage to leave for good reasons and my health picked up instantly, as many have testified is the case in their own lives.  

I wonder how things would have gone differently if a few of us had the courage to say to the head steward/LB,  "I don't feel like going to the afternoon meeting today.  I'm going to watch football."

LB's response: "How can you say that!  Is football more important than God?"

"Certainly not!  But today, football is more important to me than going to hear you speak for an hour.  I'm not going."

LB in coded language:  you'll pay for this!

"Sure, do whatever you want.  If you want me to leave or move out, just ask me.  I just want to watch a football game today.  I'll leave it up to you how I should be punished."

Oh how I wish I could travel back in time!  Wouldn't it be fun?  "Excuse me Brother George,  I know I'm not the only one here who has no idea what you are talking about.  Is the next lecture going to be any clearer, or should we just go home early?  Let's not pretend anymore, we came here to be encouraged." ;) ;)

Brent

I was the head stweard....early on in my involvement when it was all so innocent...I just casually said I was going to the beach after the morning meeting...I did'nt think twice about it...well you know what happened...I was informed I was falling away...all I wanted to do is work on my tan...This same LB came home once and I was laying out in a lounge chair in the backyard in my Bathing suit of all things ..he and his wife absolutly flipped ..and warned me how I could of "stumbled "him and to give them warning if I ever did it again...Oh Brother...and it was the most conservitive bathing suit I'd ever worn...My favorite is did you ever try to just LOOK at George in a Seminar..when he said ,"Its in the Book, not on my face"..I remember that ...and then furiously taking notes as soon as he stared back at me...

Yep, me too.

Thank God I was never asked to lead the singing!  

The only thing I miss about seminars was going to Coco's with my friends.  Of course, I can still do that, without the lectures.

Brent

Forgot the cup part...I was very concerned...I know this is'nt FUNNY now ..But I worked in surgery for years and alot of times we double gloved and masked with a certain part of the populous...even used strong chemical solutions to kill certain diseases....and then double sterilized them...in an autoclave ....it again is astounding  the hold the assm had..its a wonder some of us made it out alive...

     Yeah, Brent, but it ain't the same without the numbing fatigue!

 ;)al

 
 I was cornered by the Chicago LB to see if I would be comming out the Sunday that the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey team would play their last game  to clinch the gold medal. They went through all the gyrations and finally I just told them I would be watching the hockey game. Being honest with the LBs in Chicago is probably why I spent 4-1/2 of my 5 years there observing the Lord supper.

If you thought hockey was more important than hearing The Lord's voice, then you shouldn't have been partaking!

On the other hand, think of the outreach potential they could have had with Assembly hospitality and a big screen TV.  They might have even got a "new one."  Alas, George wanted his things to have pre-eminence....so sad.

Brent

Boy Al I second you on that ..Mind numbing fatigue...nothing like sittting for 3 days..to make Cocos look real good especially when you know everyone in each booth....And you brothers where are your priorities...were goin on a Glorious Rondeuve this afternoon...if you dont get that your deader than a door-Nail!!!! or ???

There was a "new one" comming out to STL who shared the same interest in WWII aircraft as me, we ditched a Sunday afternoon mtg to go to an airshow that showcased WWII aircraft and he still ended up receiving Christ despite my horrific example. He left fellowship because "I can't fit into the routine here" which was a bummer for me because it was fun playing assembly hooky every once in awhile. To be perfectly honest there was never an hooky adventure that was'nt just wholesome fun. LBs once got wind of a 1 month Canadian wilderness  trip I was planning with another brother (actually as word spread others wanted to go ) the LBs put the big Kabotzs on that one and it never came to fruition. I always regretted not doing it anyway.

I remember Coco's. I ordered the quiche and was surprised when I got a whole quiche and not just a pie slice.
Remember the secret to an afternoon meeting is.....

a light lunch.

Marcia

Marcia, a light lunch..wheww no kidding ...I remember this bro would close his eyes and you could tell he was going to nod out any minute...and go into a semi-coma...and I thought boy I'm staying away from him ...even though I think he was carrying a full load of school ,work and meetsI did feel a little sorry for him as he was really nice..I never went to those little groups after the lecture..I'd had enough..and I'm sure it was my un-doing...(I think I tried a group talk once or twice but I felt I did'nt need it I GOT the Message it was for the dim-wits that could'nt figure out what GG was saying)...

     ...truth is, it wasn't only my mind that went numb... :-[
sometimes I preferred to stand at a booth in Coco's!!! ;)

al

I remember when many of us would go to "Chris & Pitts" after the Sunday afternoon meeting. I loved the steaks they served there!  But I can also remember watching the waitresses patiently waiting, holding full plates of food, not wanting to interrupt, as a long-winded brother gave thanks for the food, and for the meeting, and for the day, and for his life, and his car, and for the world, and for the..... well, you get the idea.

I remember going in with our Bibles and sitting down, and then watching some brothers make some of the most demanding and strange requests of the waitresses. Sometimes food was sent back because the "onion rings aren't crispy enough" or some such request. The waitresses would bear with the long prayers, demands, and some general rudeness, and then be left a tip that was exactly ten per cent because "we should be good stewards of the Lord's money". It's amazing how one can get into that kind of mentality---that the Lord would be more pleased that you were being faithful with "his money", than displaying Christian warmth and tenderness to someone who is working so hard to get your food to the table. I remember later, an associate of mine, who used to be a waitress at "Denny's" said "Christians are the worst tippers of all. I mean the kind who make a point of making sure you know they are Christians. They are also the most demanding of all. They come in these big groups and then leave you a small tip and a Bible tract. Like I'm going to read that!! Who wants to be like them??"

As they say "sometimes you are the only Bible some people will ever read". I've always remembered her statements as the Assembly days at restaurants flooded back into my memory as she spoke. I remember entering "Chris & Pitts" with several others, holding our Bibles, and hearing a waitress groan and say "please, please, not on my station!!" I thought it was because she disliked Christians. As I learned later, this was not the case. She simply disliked hypocrisy as most people do.

I know there isn't much funny about this, but when you mentioned visiting "Coco's" after the meetings, these memories came to me. Those steaks were really good though.

--Joe

Joe,

Years ago I worked as a server at a Benigan's. The nice couple who prayed over their food didn't leave me 10% and a tract. Just the tract!

There was a pizza joint in Tuscola where most saints went between Sunday meetings. One day I overheard the manager tell someone, "God, I hate it when these people come in here."

We were winning souls for Christ!

S

PS - A couple years later my first job was at the same pizza place. I found out that one of the problems they had with the saints was families ordering one salad bar, then feeding the whole family.

I remember one seminar towards my last years (1989 or 1990?)

George was going on and on in a late afternoon lecture.  In some lectures, he actually followed an outline and made points.  This, however, was one of those collection-of-nonsequiturs-supported-by-dozens-of-randomly-selected-scripture-references lecture.

Since he had no plan, he went over the alloted time and asked the usual, "you want it, don't you?"  The faithful strained to set forth hearty amens.  I was so exausted,  I fell into a momentary mental lapse and began to shake my head vigorously "no".

I looked up to see a worker staring at me with the most incredulous look of horror on her face.

Somehow I survived the ordeal and, I admit, it felt good at the time.

Poor Waiters/Waitresses

Did you know why there are no Ponderosa restaurants left in Ottawa? Reason: all the brothers waited for an all you can eat special and pigged out.

I was told that a 15% tip was a sign you were satisfied with the service. Anything less was a protest. Maybe they think 10% is biblical for everything. You know tithes etc.

I like to tip generously because they only get minimum wage and often they are overworked.

The only people who make a lot are working in bars. I guess we don't expect to go there do we.

Cheers raise your fruit juice and say Amen.

I think it helps to admit ..we all loved GG in our own way...He was so charismatic...and funny....and the stories ..were pretty good....Especially in the middle of a lengthy lecture when he'd stop to give an illustration...We were all Taken with him in our own way....thats how we got sucked-in....

Time for some Nebraska Humour

First farmer: How is that new scarecrow I sold you?

Second farmer: Just great!

First farmer: Did it scare all the crows out of your cornfield?

Second farmer: Not only that! They were so scared that they returned all the corn they stole last year!

Well it's Nebraska what can I say. Apparently there's a lot of corn there.

Regarding George Geftakys, I assume you are being sarcastic here and if not, I do respect your opionion.

However, if you take away the affairs that he had and even take away the cover ups for his sons, he still was one of the most arrogant and obnoxious people this world has ever produced.  He was a horrible lecturer - the guy made little or zero sense, constantly jumped around, and attempted to speak over everybody's head.  What made this all  so humorous was that all of the people at the end of the lecture would talk about how encouraged they were and how the Lord had really spoken - hogwash!!!

His stories that he told were all lies, he boasted of personal accomplishments that he never remotely came close to accomplishing, and so on.  How about at the end of meetings, when he would drag them on, and drag them on, and drag them on.

George Geftakys is about as Christlike as Jim Jones.

I'm with Uh Oh. Can't tell if you're being serious, but I always thought he was a phony, bombastic, overblown a-hole.

I spent a lot of time with George (not always alone, but sometimes) and there were times when I felt like he respected the fact that I wasn't impressed by him and other times when I could feel him smoldering because I didn't buy into his crap.

Either way, I knew I had adopted the right attitude with him.

He might have brought me into the fold when I was about 15 but he made a serious tactical blunder by trying to drive a wedge between me and my dad.

Game over, Georgie! The Giant Hand turned into the Giant Finger! ;)

Scott

George was our guru. Chant the Mantra

And the lively saints said Praise the Lord

The others had fallen asleep.

He is so spiritual. I counted on average he had over 150 quotes not verses but quotes in his messages. BS baffles brains. Spout enough verses and you confuse your audience. You have said nothing and people don't want to admit that they are not getting it. This would prove that they were not as spiritual as George.

I tried to do it in ministry and the LB exhorted me on my ministry saying you had so many verses what was your point. I bet he never said that to George though.

Quote from David Geftakys, who was perhaps the only person who could preach worse than George:

"My Dad taught me, 'great preachers break all the rules, but you aren't, so don't!'"

David and George could break the rules of clear communication because they were so gifted.  The rest of us had to struggle to be as clear as possible.  

Some of you are probably going to groan when I say this, but Timothy Geftakys is a really good speaker.  Jim Hayman is good to the point of being gifted.  I honestly believe that Jim has the potential to have a powerful ministry.  The sooner he gets all this sorted out, and starts, the better.

Brent

Actually, Verne, there were a lot of exceptions, but no one recognizes them because they all left fellowship when they realized what was going on! I was just stuck there (at least until September 1985).

Maybe later I'll tell the story of Georgie's clumsy attempt to influence me. ::)

Now I have to go coach my son's basketball team - something my dad never gave himself the chance to do under GG's rule. By the way, 20-4 record over the last two and a quarter seasons, shooting for our third straight league championship! Woo hoo! ;D

Scott

I agree, Brent.  I still have the tapes from Jim's Y2K lectures.  While some in GG's assemblies went overboard with that topic in 1999, Jim was evenhanded.  I distinctly remember Jim saying that some of his contacts in the computer industry had already made plans to 'head for the hills', and that others thought it would just be a little 'speed bump'.  Whenever Jim spoke, I listened.

Jack

Seriously....Read (as I'm sure most of you have) about the other cult tactics on rick ross...Not much difference in M.O. If no one in GG assm stood -up when GG hereticaaly preached 7th day...It was only a matter of time before the Kool-Aid was passed out to people GG would of only needed a few scriptures to back him up (oh and an all around bro meet to convince the Weak).....

Verne, I didn't say he HAS a powerful ministry, I said he has the potential.  Our God is a God of redemption.  Even a guy who has been steeped in Geftakysism has the possibility of redemption.  Think of the Apostle Paul.

Does this mean it will happen?  No.  Is it likely?  Not hardly.  However, it is possible, and I view the situation as a terrible waste of God given talent and gift.

Brent

Isn't Jim out now?  He's not involved with the assembly in Fullerton any longer, right?

Faithful, Trustworthy, Above Reproach....hum...Verne Very crucial.....I always thought Tom Maddux and Dave Sable gave excellant mesages...I remember thinking to myself oh,good  whenever they got up to Speak...

Yes. Jim is "out" now and not involved with the Fullerton assembly.
He definitely is a gifted preacher and has potential. He was the most 'pentecostal' in our midst.

Tim G is a good speaker, but I always felt like he was 'mocking' us when he joked about the saints.

Dan Notti was quite a good preacher too.

By default, all LBs were gifted the moment they became a LB. Eh? and not gifted when they were to be dropped as a LB as in Mark C's case.

Marcia

There is still hope for him Verne.   The kind of hope that God specializes in.

Brent

Of all the men around George Geftakys, I was most disappointed in Jim Hayman exactly because I thought he was one of the most wonderfully endowed. Jim Hayman had the gifts, the stature and the knowledge to easily withstand a man like George Geftakys and I would argue that this is the reason God placed a man with his talent in that situation. He failed to fulfill this destiny and be the sharp, threshing instrument God intended not because of the environment, but because of his personal choices. There is much more I could say about this but I will say only this much: your comment about a terrible waste of God-given talent and gift is truer than you know. Dont get me wrong folks; my heart is breaking and I have cried like a sissy about this...I loved that man... :'(
Verne

The last year (or perhaps even more) Jim Hayman appeared to be a broken man (please note I say "appeared".  Only Jim can attest to his actual state.)  Jim actually had broken away for a season and left to go out on his own (with his family) to, I believe, begin ministering apart from the assembly system.  Only Jim (or anyone Jim confided the truth in) actually knows why it was he returned.  When I saw him after he returned, I was devastated!  I've never seen a man age so quickly in such a brief period of time.  I was actually happy for him when he had left (my feeling was, "Yeah, they escaped!")  I always liked Jim.  I know it was a difficult thing to go through with his older son Isaac rebelling.

I would enjoy hearing from Jim here on the BB to find out how he and his family are faring. Jim?????????????

I know I am going to get clobbered on this one, but I can say without sarcasm that there are times I enjoyed George's messages.  When I go through 1 Samuel, I still think back to some things he said in the first seminar I attended in Fall, 1978 - The Wars of David.  In Spring, 1978, he did a seminar on Ephesians called "In the Heavenlies" which touched upon things that most Bible teachers teach on (H.A. Ironside also called his commentary on Ephesians, "In The Heavenlies").  And, yes, I remember perking up to a story and laughing at the punch line.  Even the Open Brethren recognized that, though he was too controlling for leadership, he was a gifted teacher in their circles.

As Tom Maddux said on this board once before, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  

What I think George's problem was that (using his terms) he didn't have the "capacity" to preach and teach to the extent that he thought he did.  Some seminar lectures, I followed pretty well.  Many others, I was lost right out of the starting gate.  Further, his move away from accountibility and the subculture that demanded that he was beyond criticism (yes and his enormous ego needs tied to his mystical approach that caused him to believe that God spoke right to him) greatly corrupted what could have been a half-decent ministry.

I agree - I always loved Jim Hayman's messages and always wondered where he could have been if he was given some freedom.  Tim could have been just as effective as Greg Laurie.  Dan Notti could have written some thoughtful Christian books.

There was a particular brother, who I won't name, who was extremely faithful (meaning he popped up at every opportunity), but a notorously poor preacher.  Several times I considered tieing his shoelaces to the metal chair to leave room for someone else.

He might have brought me into the fold when I was about 15 but he made a serious tactical blunder by trying to drive a wedge between me and my dad.

Scott

This seemed to be a common trend and way of doing things in the Geftakys family.

I sat through a summer school with George where the text was Chronicles, Kings, Samuel, etc.

When George taught it as history it was fairly interesting and he did a decent job of untangling all the different names, bloodlines, etc. It was pretty clear.

When he started trying to interpret scripturally, though . . . whew! What a mess. Plus I didn't trust anything he said.

At that point I usually got into trouble and he made me come down and sit in the front row! 8)

Ahh, good times. Good times. *snort*

Scott

Dave,

I thought about clobbering you, but I decided to agree with you instead...with this caveat:

You left in the early 90's, I believe.  George got worse, much worse, throughout that decade.  The last few years, he didn't preach anymore, he just read his notes to us.  I believe the reason he did this was to make it easier to get them into book format.  You have never heard drier, more lifeless messages that those read from 1998 on!

I was also encouraged from time to time in the eighties.  Frequently I was encouraged by Jim Hayman, as I have mentioned below.

Had Jim been given freedom  (Or more precisely, had he walked in the Freedom we all have in Christ---he failed to do so...) he would have been 10 times the "preacher," George never was.

Now, you have been quite clear where you stand with regard to the whole thing, so don't be afraid to say something nice about George, if warranted.  

He bought me breadfast once....

Brent

Today’s funny

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it…”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”

Brent,

I agree with you and I think he did get progressively worse.  Those who were in the Assembly before I was say he started out with pretty standard PB doctrine and dispensationalism.  I guess after thirty years of young kids saying to you, "I don't know what you're saying but it sure sounds glorious", you start believing it -

"Hey!  Maybe I am God's Announted One!"

-Dave

I think these type were common.  Always "exercised".  Again, no names, but I know exactly what you are talking about.

Dave

"Brother, if after 20 minutes you're still drilling . . . stop boring!"

I wish more bros would have heeded GG's advice! No chance that he believed it applied to himself.

S

Maybe it was, "If you're still boring . . . stop drilling!" That makes more sense.

Plays Upon Words (a compendium of "groaners")


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon Vu - the same mustard as before.

The rigors of camping are in tents.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

The optician who had an accident with the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The pediatric nurse who inoculates small children gets a little behind in her work.

Please don't shoot the messenger! ;)
al

Terribly funny Al. I am not worthy. That sure is a lot of PUNishment.  ;D ::)

Today's funny

Waiter, Waiter,

Max: Waiter, is this peach pie or apple pie?

Waiter: Can't you tell by the taste?

Max: No, I can't

Waiter: Then what difference does it make?

     Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the CIA employed a Czechoslovakian circus midget as a spy, because his size allowed him to get into places others could not. 8)

     One night, agents of the Russian KGB discovered him at work and gave chase.  Mere moments ahead of his pursuers, the diminutive operative fled into an unfamiliar neighborhood of Prague, and unwittingly ended up trapped at the terminus of a deadend residential street. :o

     Facing imminent capture, the tiny man hammered desperately on the nearest door.  Facing the bleary-eyed resident, he pleaded urgently, "Sir, I hate to disturb you at this hour, but could you cache a small Czech?" ::) ;D

I heard an announcer on the radio complaining about people giving warnings to drivers to slow down and not tailgate after having two days of extreme cold with black ice on the road (invisible to the eye and that gives people a false sense of security). So we have had over 400 fender benders in that time and I think I have a warning for this fellow.

WARNING ABOUT WARNINGS

We would like to warn you of a warning that could help you if you hate warnings. Warning don't read this warning if you know everything. But if you have an accident I will laugh at you for being so stubborn and  lacking in humility. Good on you bozo now you know why that warning was for you.

So I wonder if we warn the leaders do you think this is probably their attitude. Who are you talking to we know everything you can’t tell us. And when they mess up are we not entitled to say "We told you so. Now will you listen to us".

Yes, that's pretty much what we have been doing.  We gave warnings, and then reminded people of the warnings.  Then the truck crashed and burned and now we are warning them to get away from the wreckage before the fuel tank ingnites.

Sure enough, there are going to be some seriously hurt people, even worse than those of the past.  Think what will happen when some of the "dear ones,"  in San Francisco, wake up and realize that they have been totally, repeatedly manipulated, with lie upon lie.  I promise there will be suicides.  Tragic?  Horribly so.  Awful, terrible, and sad.  Yet, if we study other groups we can only conclude the obvious.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are homicides as well.  Either a leader killing an outspoken sheep in a fit of rage, or a downtrodden sheep who suddenly snaps and kills a leader.  These things are less common than the suicides, but are entirely likely.

Remember, David Koresh broke off a fringe group from an already fringe group.  The "double fringe," took on a fortress/persecution mentality and the rest is history.  Of course, the government is to blame in a big way there.

Then there is Jone'sTown, Solar Temple, Heaven's Gate, and who knows how many others.  

Oh....I just remembered how I got on this.  Hugh made a joke.  Sorry to ruin your joke Hugh. :-[  Maybe I'm a little to doomsdayish today.  Perhaps I need to go sailing.

Brent

I was called a Computer Nerd last nite...Funny Not...Me A computer Nerd Impossible you have to at least be able to set your margins for that title....(my son cant figure out what I'm doin Ol)....he,he...

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No kiddin'?!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

IF you violate numerous sexual harrassment policies and are not even counseled...


IF you have worked for a company for nine years and people are still shocked to meet you on an elevator...



IF  at a team building exercise, all employees are told to pay no attention to you...



IF  many people would call you the hardest working employee in the building, yet you are never considered for a promotion...



IF your minority status has no bearing with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission...



IF you're not asked to bring your favorite dish to the Christmas party...



IF you regularly wear leather and chains to work...



IF the ladies in the office can't seem to keep their hands off of you...



IF you think that all of the food in the cafeteria is delightful...



IF many of your coworkers admire the job you do while others don't believe you should even be there...



IF  there are more employees at your retirement ceremony than any other...


Chances are...




...you are a corporate working Guide Dog!

Something I wrote for my Guide Dog's retirement.

--Tony Edwards

While we're at it, we need a law requiring that all deceased starfish be clearly labeled: ''DO NOT HEAT IN MICROWAVE.'' I say this because of a homemaker-advice column called Ask Mrs. Oliver from the June 4 Eugene, Ore., Register-Guard, sent in by many alert readers, which includes the following homemaker letter, which I am not making up:

``How do you remove an awful smell out of your microwave? I found a dead starfish on the beach and brought it home. It was very wet and I thought placing it in the microwave for a few minutes would help. The starfish exploded on my second attempt to dry it.''

Dave Barry (http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/6491504.htm)

     WOW-- I thought everybody knew that the way to dry a soggy dead starfish is in the clothes dryer with a load of clean towels!!! ;D

 ::)al ;)

    My son emailed the following to me, a series of utterances attributed to children.  Probably some adult made them up, but they could have been said by kids, and should make those of us who are parents stop & think as we chuckle...


3-year-old, Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you
can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good
time like I am."                  ;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher
said he wanted us
brought up in a
Christian home, and
I wanted to stay
with you guys."    :'(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the
end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed,
"but deliver
us some E-mail.
Amen."  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

and one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And
forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."                    8)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.   You're not  supposed to talk out
loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men
standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his
younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four- year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"     ???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to
say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife
answered.
   The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on
earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"    

In keeping with Al's theme:

In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a
Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could
quote the entire 23rd Psalm.


A four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who
raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could
really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the
room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and
said.......................


"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."


She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever
heard.

One day in court

One day in court, the judge warned Mrs. Smith that she would be fined for defamation of character if she called Mr. Jones a pig again.

Mr. Jones smiled broadly upon hearing the ruling.

“Your honor,” Mrs Smith said, “if I can’t call Mr. Jones a pig, can I call a pig Mr. Jones?”

“Yes you can,” stated the judge.” “You won’t be fined for calling a pig Mr. Jones.”

Walking toward the door, Mrs. Smith looked directly at Mr. Jones and said, “Good afternoon, Mr. Jones.”

Hugh  ;D

1) Hugh, why is your penguin standing still?  Is it that cold in Ottawa?  We've had a week of between -30 to -45C.  A pleasant blizzard today.  Wednesday was the really cold day though.  We went out anyway.  Let the van warm up for about an hour and then drove down the road, my tires, still flat on the bottom going whump whump whump

2) This made me laugh.  Maybe it's just me.  I got an email recently from an old friend.  When I left fellowship she asked Betty G why I left.  The reply:
"Oh, She had a lot of problems!"
I'm sorry but, the logic blows my mind.  Now that I've read all that I didn't know about Betty's dysfunctional family, I guess I didn't quite have ENOUGH problems to fit in.  
Dear sister, though, that Betty.  There's grace to cover that, I'm sure that's what she was thinking too.

3)Tim told me in his last letter that he was concerned with my " increasing inability to relate to people"
Should have stuck around really.  I'm sure he could have taught me lots more on that 'issue' in my life.
I'm probably the only one laughing.  But I'm laughing.  I'm finding all this really funny today.
drj
 

ps: I had a bad habit once, of snorting when I laughed.  When I joined the assembly though, that all stopped!
Ha ha ha

Joey: Pop, Mom just ran over my bicycle while backing out of the garage!

Dad: Well, Son, it serves you right for leaving it on the front lawn.

T.J.: So you got an F in spelling today?

R.J.: That’s right. The teacher didn’t like the way I spelled Tennessee.

T.J.: How did you spell it?

R.J.: One-a-see, two-a-see, three-a-see…

     A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
his repeated knocks at the door. :-\  Therefore, he wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of one of his cards and stuck it in the door.
    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was the message, "Genesis 3:10." Checking the reference in his Bible, he broke into gales of laughter. ;D ;D ;D          
     Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."      Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid :o for I was naked." :-[  


 ;)al

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly  walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife."
 
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"  

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all
of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose
from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The
Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts
the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

My penguin is not very excited he finds it too warm. His favourite temperature is below -50F. He's really quite cool when he is in the Antarctic. We have had our share of cold now we are going to get snow.

BTW the winterlude festival starts this weekend. Anyone who wants to come it is a great time.

PS: The Dead Sea Scrolls are in the Ottawa area in the Museum of Civilization. We are going to see them as a goup from our church.

Hugh  ;D

Satire from www.scrappleface.com: :D

Focus Groups Pan Crucifixion, Gibson Drops Scene

(2004-02-04) -- Actor-director Mel Gibson announced today that he would drop the crucifixion scene from his upcoming film The Passion of the Christ because focus groups didn't like it.

The announcement comes a day after reports that Mr. Gibson would cut another scene, also panned by focus groups, involving Jews calling for the Christ's crucifixion. Both scenes portray events from the New Testament of the Bible.

"It didn't work in the focus screenings," said an unnamed associate of Mr. Gibson. "Frankly, I understand how people could be offended at the mutilation and execution of an innocent Jewish teacher."

Marketing experts say that without those two scenes, The Passion of the Christ should be "the feel-good hit of the season."

overheard in the staff room this week:

This lady is at the check out counter, unloading her eggs and bacon etc.

"So, must be single, eh?" says a drunken man, standing behind her.

"Oh, how did you know?" the lady asks, looking at her groceries for some clue that pegs her as single.

"Because you're ugly." says the drunken man.

Exercise for Seniors

For those who are getting along in years, here is a little
secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.  You might
want to adopt this regimen!  Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.  With a 5 lbs  potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then relax.  Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10 lbs potato sacks, then try 20 lbs sacks, gradually working your way up to 50 lbs potato sacks, and eventually a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

Works for me...
al ;)

Lily: What do you do for a living?

Willy: I am a kidney and liver specialist.

Lily: Do you work at the local hospital?

Willy: No, the local butcher shop.

Here's a fun game for those who like baseball and penguins:

http://home.kabelfoon.nl/~hopha/penguin.swf

542.9, baby, yeah! 8)

Gotta get the little guy to hop and skip a bit to get that extra distance!

S

     ...shouldn't that be "those who like baseball and hate penguins??? ;D ;D ;D

     A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, "The first little pig went up to a man and asked, 'Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'"

     The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, "What do you think the man said?"

     One boy raised his hand and said, "I think maybe the man said something like, 'Holy Cow! A talking pig!'"

               
      and all you midwest, east coast & far north parents should appreciate this one:


     The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten
students put his boots on.  He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

     She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

     She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

     She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

     Smiling sweetly, he replied, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Al---

That potato sack workout is a godsend. I've started out a bit slower--every other day, but I'm already starting to see the results. Thanks!! ;D

--Joe

Playing with the names of States;

What did Missi  sippi ?
A  Minni  soda.

What did  Dele wear ?
A New Jersy.

What did Tenni see ?
The same thing U tah.

What's the prettiest state in the U.S ?
A'l aska later.

     A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

     The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."

     "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.

     "Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"

     "Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."

     The man below says, "You must work in management."

     "I do," replies the balloonist, "how could you tell?"

     "It's obvious," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're still in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"

This just in...

February 13, 2004
Fossil Footprints Prove Bush Served in Alabama

(2004-02-13) -- Archeologists working on a dig near Dannelly Air National Guard Base have uncovered a fossilized set of footprints which reportedly support President George W. Bush's contention that he served his Guard duty in Alabama more than three decades ago.

Radiocarbon dating, and analysis of the geological stratum in which the fossils were found establish that the prints were made during the Vietnam era.

"The angle and depth of the boot impressions match the gait and known weight of the young Mr. Bush at that time," said an unnamed archeologist. "It was quite exciting at the dig site -- like finding the proverbial missing link."

Together with previously discovered dental records and ancient documents, this latest evidence helps complete a picture that confirms what the President has said all along.

Forensic specialists will now comb the sedimentary layers where the footprints were unearthed hoping to recover bits of fossilized hair, saliva or sloughed-off skin cells to subject to DNA analysis which would finally prove his Guard service conclusively.

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.  At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

===============================================

And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.

   ...speaking of Yankees & Southerners, here's a fun quiz for you:

http://www.chuckchamblee.com/dom/fun/yankee_dixie_quiz.htm

     (it's legitimate-- check it out, it might surprise you.)

This is a lawyer story

A Charlotte, N.C. lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire (among other things).  Within a  month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and not yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “ in a series of small fires. “  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.  The lawyer sued....and won!  In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. However, the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and had guaranteed that it would indeed insure them against fire, without defining what is considered “ unacceptable fire “- and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his incendiary bamboozle.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.............

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

I am not certain of the source or accuracy but it is funny nonetheless.

Cheers
Hugh ;D

Actually, it isn't true:

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp (http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp)

Well I guess I need to test my sources better.

Thanks

I sit corrected.


Hugh ???

Here is my score 60% (Dixie). Barely into the Dixie category.

 :oHugh :o

I'm 48% - Yankee. I got a lot of Great Lakes/Midwestern expressions.

S

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

Hugh  ;D

     Thanks, Hugh.   I used to be that pessimist!!! :-[ :-\ :'(

 :) :Dal ;D

IMHO them folks don't know nuthin about talkin Southern.

I scored 45% Yankee.  Ahm shamed, durn well shamed.

Now just hold yer 'taters folks...

They weren't no questions about HOtels, Rasslin, Here ketch aholt of this, goober peas, chiggers, dumplins, dinner vs supper, grits, hominey, Texas caviar, Bobwar, suckle rods, range fries, blue ticks, corn pone, or lit'n a shuck.

Did you know why the history books call the first battle of the Civil
War the "Battle of Manassas Junction"?   Its cause them Yankee folks can't say "Bull Run" cause they don't know what a run IS!

(its a crick)

Well, I'll talk to you folks later...if the hogs don't gitcha and the rivers don't rise.

45% yankee...the shame of it.

Thomas Maddux

     There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."


========

     While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."


========

     People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


========

     "Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who wake up and cheerfully say,  "Good morning, Lord."
Then there are those who wake up, groan and mumble, "Good Lord, it's morning."


========

     A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
     When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


========

     A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
     His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
     The son replied, "I do know!"
     "Okay, Son," said his father. "So tell me, what does the
Bible mean?"
     "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth.'"


========

     There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
     "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
     "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.


========

     The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
     "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
     Before closing  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.."
     At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Al,

Re. 'Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth.'

Do you kow what they, the basic instructions, are?

If you have heard a popular song by a Christian Group, Burlap to Cashmeer, the song goes like this:

'Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth.'
Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie

 ;)
Marcia

I'm surprised. I scored 70% Dixie on the test below--
and I've lived in California all of my life. :D

--Joe

     Well sure, Joe, but Southern California!!! ;D ;D ;D

al ;)

I scored 40% Yankee.  My mother's family would cry to hear that.  Most of my words came from Western Great Lakes.

66% Dixie.  When I told co-workers in Omaha once that I was going out for a soda, they all thought I meant ice cream and asked me to bring some back for them.
Born near the Mason-Dixon line,
Becky

     (I can't verify the conclusions of this test, but give it a shot)


Test:   ???
*
*
*
Just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised.

Start:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
How much is: 15+6
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
3+56
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
89+2
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
12+53
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
75+26
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
25+52
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
63+32
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
I know! Calculations are hard work but it's nearly over...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Come on, one more...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
123+5
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Scroll further to the bottom...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A bit more...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You have just thought about a red hammer, haven't you????
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
If this is not the case, you are among 2% of people who have a "different" if not "abnormal" mind. 98% of the folks would answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send it to your friends.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

P.S.--  I'm in the 2%...  no surprise to many, I'm sure!!! ;D

al

I said yellow screwdriver.

Guess that means I need a drink! ;D

S

I suspect that Al copied the test wrong.

What makes you say that?

What did you think of?

S

I know I'm late reading this thread, but this is really funny!  ;D ;D ;D ;D

How about a normally colored wrench on a red cloth?

Oh, man, you are REALLY twisted! :o ;) ;D

S

Well, I am a 38% Definitive Yankee. We women do our own plumbing around here.  ;D

                Oh, sure--  shoot the messenger!  ;D  ;D  ;D

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies
that will merge. Here are merger predictions from a broker in New York.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join
forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

> The following quiz consists of 4 simple questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
>  
> Scroll down for each answer.
>  
>  
> The questions are NOT difficult.
>  
>  
>  
>  
> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
>  
> This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer)
>  
> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the  giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
>  
> This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.
>  
> This tests your memory.
>  
> OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How do you manage it?
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
>  
> Correct Answer: You swim across.
>  
> All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
>
>  
> This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
>  
>  
>  
> According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
>  
> But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
>  
> Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

This is an experiment to see whether Al's test can be posted efficiently.

To see an answer, position the mouse cursor on the word "Answer", then look at the status line of the browser.

The following quiz consists of 4 simple questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

The questions are NOT difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Answer (http://The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.)  Commentary (http://This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say ... (http://Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer))  Answer (http://Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the  giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.)  Commentary (http://This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Answer (http://Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.)  Commentary (http://This tests your memory.)

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How do you manage it?

Answer (http://Correct Answer: You swim across.  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.)  Commentary (http://This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Now THAT'S cool! :o

Yeah, I know, all the Super Geeks are like, "It's actually very simple." ::)

Whatever. It's cool! 8)

S

     I'm happy that it works for you guys-- the status line on my browser comes up with an illegible hodge-podge of % amounts interspersed with words from the answer text-- an unreadable mess.  ???  ???  ???

al

OK, my family always says I'm really gullible..........but Al, you have to be reading between all the % and "gobbledy gook", right?  There's your answer!  OK, I'm gonna assume the jokes on me and Al really does see all the words in between mean something.  ;)

Kimberley,
     I truly appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt.  I really can't read the whole thing between the %s-- it's an unitelligible mess with only some of the words of the answer appearing in readable form.  Also, when I try to go back to the previous screen, I have to travel through 3 or 4 screens that I haven't even visited...  Maybe it's my pc?  Or my isp?  But there's a good chance it's me...

     's OK, I'll live.  But I am an impossiby slow learner when it comes to technology.  e.g., even with Scott's detailed instructions, I can't figure out how to get a photo onto the BB ???.  Heck, when hand-held calculators came out, I still hadn't mastered the slide rule!  My kids keep telling me I need to enter the 20th century! ::)

     No wonder my hope is in the world to come-- I'm hopeless in this one! :-\

 ;)al ;D

Al the picture below shows how to add a picture. Put a picture file .gif or .jpg ending that is less than 200 KB  in size in a location where you can find it again. Then click Quote or Reply and click on Browse to select the picture and that is it.

You didn't ask me for this advice but I figure as a friend I would help you out. The picture is kinda small so right click on it and "save picture as" image to your desktop. Double click on the file you saved and it will appear full size.

Hugh ;D

Al,

From your description, it sounds like you might have clicked on the word "Answer" rather than just hovering over it.

When the mouse cursor is pointing at a link, the address string appears at the bottom of the screen in the browser status line.

It's possible that it's disabled.  You should check to see if the "Status Bar" option is checked in the "View" menu.

Or else just click on the blue file name of the picture, in this case "attach.jpg", that appears above the picture.

Thanks ya that works faster and is easier.

Hugh ;D

OK--Here goes:  Hey, it worked!  Thanks, fellers!!!

This is what I looked like on Christmas eve, 2003.
I'm now a blond 27 year old Latina-- it's part of the federal witness protection program.  (You never know what'll happen when you set out to witness)  ;D

Verne,

I'm not sure I understand your "sticker shock" when traveling abroad.  I guess living in Champaign, you are sheltered from big city economics?  Now that I'm living in Aledo, where they scoff at Starbucks' "$3.00 for a cup of coffee!!!", I crave urban thinking.  It looks like you need an upgrade, too.

I'm not sure I understand your comparison between the Swiss and Chicago - all I know is that when you are acclimated to Chicago, its resources seem infinite and the opportunities seem limitless.  

The train to O'Hare is fantastic - and extremely convenient.  Most, however, are either unaware of it, or else, they think that driving is preferred.

Glad you had a safe, enjoyable time on vacation.  Hopefully, it helped you unwind a bit, so your posts will be a little more compassionate and gentle. :o

The sticky fingers are from all the Crispy Creme donuts that we eat and the tickets are just to make outsiders feel at home. I would think that as a Midwesterner you would know genuine hospitality when you see it! ;)

Hi, Verne,

I think I just beat that one. Just got in from Atlanta. The Embassy Suites took my Visa debit as security when I checked in. Charged $150 (normal, of course, they usually reverse it when you check out). Charged it again for $194 for the room. Charged the first card I gave them for $194 (they told me it was declined - didn't understand that but what can you do - it was NOT declined per my credit card company). Didn't reverse the original $150.

Here's the kicker. My state manager paid for my room on his Amex card. I have the receipt in front of me. ???

That's $538 from me and $194 from my manager. That's a pretty expensive room for one night! :o

Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow morning when the accountant and manager arrive at the hotel. Chewing someone's assets! ;)

S

Moonflower - I knew you'd come through for me!!  I'm not very good at witty quips.

And yes, Verne, I do pray for you.  I am so very aware, these days, that for any offense that I have received, I've dished out many more.  We all need much mercy!!

I received this in my email today.  I'm not very good at cutting and pasting (although quite good at decoupage ;)) so it looks somewhat messy.  

Enjoy, Karey


CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE RELIGIOUS WAY
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
> > >
> > >
> > > Charismatic : Only 1
> > > Hands are already in the air.
> > >
> > > Pentecostal : 10
> > > One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
> >darkness.
> > >
> > >
> > > Presbyterians : None
> > > Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
> > >
> > > Roman Catholic : None
> > > Candles only.
> > >
> > >
> > > Baptists : At least 15.
> > > One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the
> >change
> >and decide who brings the
> > > potato salad and fried chicken .
> > >
> > > Episcopalians: 3
> > > One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
> >about
> >how much better the old one was.
> > >
> > >
> > > Mormons : 5
> > > One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
> > >
> > > Unitarians :
> > > We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the
> >need
> >for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
> >light
> >bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
> >dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we
> >will
> >explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
> >fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid
> >paths to luminescence.
> > >
> > >
> > > Methodists : Undetermined
> > > Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
> >You
> >can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your
> >choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
> > >
> > > Nazarene : 6
> > > One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
> >policy.
> > >
> > >
> > > Lutherans: None
> > > Lutherans don't believe in change.
> > >
> > > Amish :
> > > What's a light bulb?

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight of the road, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," counted one of the boys. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

Excitedly, he jumped back on his bike and rode off in the direction of town.  Just around the bend he met an old man hobbling slowly along with the help of a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Can't you see it's hard for me to walk, son?  I can't be chasing off for your games." But the boy was insistent, and eventually persuaded the old gent to follow him to the cemetery entrance.

Standing just outside the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Maybe if we're quiet and try real hard we'll be able to see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were able to see only grass, trees and tombstones. The two gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they looked beyond it, straining to get a glimpse of the Lord.

Finally they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now as soon as we go get those nuts by the fence we'll be done."

Word has it that the old man with his cane made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

www.subservientchicken.com (http://www.subservientchicken.com)

(http://media.theinsiders.com/Media/Other/63032_Eek.GIF)

S

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local American Civil Liberties Union about the discrimination inflicted being upon atheists by the constant celebrations enjoyed by Christians and Jews on their various holidays while the atheists were afforded no such illustrative occasions.

The ACLU, of course, jumped at the opportunity to once again take up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to represent the plaintiff. The case was brought before a senior judge who had served with distinction for many terms.  After listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, the judge promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling exclaiming, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Obviously Christians have Christmas, Easter and numerous other observances, and the Jews, in
addition to Passover, have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah . . . My client and his fellow atheists have no such a day set apart to recognize their traditions."

The judge leaned forward in his chair and gently but firmly stated, "Obviously you and your client are unaware of, or deliberately ignoring the long-established annual observance devoted to honoring the highest standards of atheism."

The ACLU lawyer's face showed momentary amazement, but he recovered quickly, pompously declaring, "We are aware of no such event, Your Honor.  Just when might this holiday for atheists be?"

The judge said, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date - April 1st!"


The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
- Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1

The US Navy today announced that it has released Saddam Hussein after questioning him extensively while he was held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, $750,000 was returned to Saddam and he was given a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.  This photo shows Saddam on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

Me, Brian, Rachel, Lucas, Al and Verne.

Looks like we have all the makings of an ANOP (all night of posting, in case someone didn't know)! ;D

We could use Garth and Retread, maybe Bob and Emily.

Nah, I shouldn't be up this late to begin with!

Night all!

meh, i will prob head back to my apartment around 3.  Stupid computer science classes, they are *so* not worth it  :-X

--
lucas

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison?


A small medium at large.

Riddle:     What has twelve legs and 36 teeth?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:      A hockey team.

I just heard this on the radio and thought it was pretty funny.  

There are four stages to a man's life:

Stage 1: When you believe in Santa Claus
Stage 2: When you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Stage 3:  When you become Santa Claus.
Stage 4:  When you look like Santa Claus.

--Joe

Is there anyone out there besides gefjack that believes that there is a purgatory-like place where we go after death?
It would sure make life a lot easier thinking that we were already there.

We have a "joke" between two of us at work that we are in purgatory (me) and won't ever have to go through this again  ;D  ;D, and the alternative posed by my co-worker that we are in hell already.  ;D ;D

I like my temporary stint better.

Marcia,

     I'm pretty sure Joe has not yet reached stage 4 or he wouldn't find it so funny...

al :)

Marcia----

You'll just have to guess.  Ho Ho Ho ;D

--Joe

Al,

And the way that you know that is true is....?    ;)

Tom

Tom,

     Do you really have to ask?  After spending significant time at stage 4, I am attempting stage 5: Looking like Santa Claus on the Atkins diet! ;D

al

Marcia,

     The picture is somewhat misleading:  Tom has the heart of a Santa, but his physique is nearer that of the Grinch.  (In fact, on particularly rough airliner trips, even his coloring may approach that of the Grinch! )

al      P.S.-- I can't tell you how glad I am you brought it up! ;D ;D ;D

 :D ;D:(include a laughing smily

if there were a drawing button i would let the artist out.

AMEN , AMEN, AMEN.

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.

A couple of weeks ago, my church had a men's mix breakfast, where the speaker was associate with a church in Ottawa, where is specialty is on helping people in their relationship.

For his presentations:
He had blackboard, overhead projection, and a video machine going.
All on relationships. with the foundation on GOD, BUILDING UP TO  6-8 STEPS TO SATISIFACTION.

ON THE BLACK BOARD HE WROTE:

Sorry I cant remember it correctly:

LAUGHTER IS FUEL THAT RELIEVES STRESS (?)

I was sent this via: email.
My computer teacher was a great one for sending jokes, and a dear sister in Lord living in Thunder Bay
loves to send me Christian sayings, causes?
Here is one example of a joke, saying , lighter side of things.


ENJOY PLEASE.



 ;D :DTHE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE" ::)



Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.



How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.



Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.



Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.



Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?



Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.



If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?



You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.



Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.



Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.



We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.



A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.



Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....
Please don't keep this message
to yourself.....send it to those
who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 FORGIVE ME FOR ANY ADVERTISEMENT THAT MAY HAVE CREEPED IN TO MY COPYING AND PASTING. SORRY ABOUT THAT :o





  Attachment    
 
 
 

 
 

Christian One-Liners
 
      "Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started
      out as a basket case.
      Some people are kind, polite  and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit
      in their pews
      Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
      It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one
      The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,  but mosquitoes
      come close.
      When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
      People are funny, they want  the front of the bus, the middle of the road,
      and the back of the church.
      Opportunity may knock once,  but temptation bangs on your front door
      forever
      Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,  you couldn't belong
      If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
      God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead So why
      should you?
      Some minds are like concrete,  thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
      Peace starts with a smile.
      I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it
      make which one you stay home from?
      A lot of church members who are singing "Standing  on the Promises" are
      just sitting on the premises.
      We were called to be witnesses,  not lawyers or judges
      Be ye fishers of men.You catch them,  He'll clean them.
      Coincidence is when God  chooses to remain anonymous.
      Don't put a question mark  where God put a period.
      Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
      Forbidden fruits create many jams.
      God doesn't call the qualified,  He qualifies the called.
      God grades on the cross,  not the curve.
      God loves everyone, but  probably prefers "fruits  of the spirit" over
      "religious  nuts!"
      God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
      He who angers you, controls you!
      If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
      Prayer: Don't give God  instructions -- just report for duty!
      The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us
      The Will of God will never  take you to where the Grace of God will not
       protect you.  
       We don't change the message, the message changes us.
       You can tell how big a person  is by what it takes to ..  discourage him.
       The best mathematical equation I have ever seen  1 cross+ 3 nails = 4 giv
        "Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it  is that You know
        they need"
 

     
MAY 22: 4:57 PM
 ;D ;D :D ;) :-* ::) 8) :) ;) :D ;D




attachment are enclosed .

     This link is to a beautiful & touching story, which I have posted in its entirety on the "Loving Our Children" thread...

al

HELP YOURSELF, ANY OTHER THAT YOU DEEM APPROPRIATE.
Any help would be appreciate, if I put it in the wrong spot, please fix. Thanks.

Enclose is a cuteness difference 30 years make.

MAY 26 9:59 PM EST

THIS IS FOR THE WOMEN: TO PONDER:

 ::) :o ; My 24 year old daughter the mother of my twin grandsons, sent me this.
So women what do you think????
 ;) ;) ;)

Okay, Okay, itall makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause


GUYnecologist

AND

Whenwe have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

 ;D That was funny Marcia:

Ever here of the joke, WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?

I dont know it off hand, but it seem your diagnosis, seems to be related to  to this symptom.
You going to look for something, and forget, then wonder why I here after.

If anyone has the full joke, please submit.

My computer teacher send me jokes over the email.
I apology for any thing that is not political correct.
My computer teacher name is Dan Gilchrist.

THE THIRSTY TALIBAN
 
 A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. > The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" > The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes." > The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!" > The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." > The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. > Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. > The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" > The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in > without a tie!"

WEDNESDAY , JUNE 2, 7:05 PM:

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!  This
little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.



Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in
pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in
France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are
meat.



Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but
fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One
goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can
make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and

get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  Is it an odd, or an
end?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  In what language do people
recite
at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have
noses that run and feet that smell?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a
wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.



That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights
are out, they are invisible.



P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?


ENJOY
TALK TO YOU LATER GATOR

LENORE




 
 
 
 
 

Question: How old are you?

Sent to me by a friend in our church.

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.  Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. (Simpson's, Eaton's, Kresge's and Woolworth's were the stores in Canada that had revolving credit cards. Simpson's then became Simpson Sears and later Sears. Eaton's went out of business and was purchased by Sears. Kresge's became Zellers and Woolworth's became Woolco that was later bought by K-Mart which was bought by Wal-Mart.)

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
 

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches (buttons) on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
 


Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Hugh,

     I'm older than dirt (perfect score)-- will that make me easier to bury? ;D

al

Hugh,

I also scored a perfect 20.  I remember it all, except for what happened to the various dept. stores in my part of "Texas."

Regarding the "Older Than Dirt" test...item number 5.

Once when my girls were high school age, I took them to a 50's diner for supper.  After watching me put quarters in the table top juke box and listeneng to the big juke box playing various tunes, my youngest daughter said to me, "Oh, I get it...this little one is connected to the big one over there."

I remember thinking something like, "Oh, I grew up knowing how these things worked, but she has never seen one.  It is a completely new idea to her.

Another time, I was in an antique shop with her...they had a bowl full of skate keys on the counter.  I picked one up and asked her, "What's this?"  Not a clue.   All the kids of her generation had shoe skates, she had never seen a pair of clamp ons.

You haven't lived until you have skidded around a corner on the sidewalk and "dug out" down the block, when suddenly the clamp on the front of one of your skates comes off, and you are racing down the sidewalk on one skate, holding up your other foot with the skate dangling from the strap around your ankle.

PS, my mom had a coke bottle with the little thing with holes in it sitting on her ironing board.


God bless,
Thomas Maddux

Even as a baby boomer, I scored 20 though some things were by hearing about them later as opposed to personal encounter (we did have glass milk bottles when I was a child).  I don't mind the "older than dirt" rating as age is often a prerequisite for wisdom and experience.  Youth is wasted on the young.

BTW, I saw at Radio Shack one of those replica antique sound systems.  Though it plays CDs and has an AM/FM receiver, it also plays 78, 45, and 33 1/3 records.

-Dave

 :)JUNE 15; 10:24 AM:

I too remember glass milk bottle, where the bread man came to your door, I am too young to remember, but even the ice man came to the door for the ice box.


Here is something to chuckle about?

Amazing how much difference 30 years makes:
>
> 1972: Long hair
> 2002: Longing for hair
>
> 1972: The perfect high
> 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
> 1972: KEG
> 2002: EKG
>
> 1972: Acid rock
> 2002: Acid reflux
>
> 1972: Moving to California because it's cool
> 2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
> 1972: Growing pot
> 2002: Growing pot belly
>
> 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
> 1972: Seeds and stems
> 2002: Roughage
>
> 1972: Killer weed
> 2002: Weed killer
>
> 1972: Hoping for a BMW
> 2002: Hoping for a BM
>
> 1972: The Grateful Dead
> 2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
> 1972: Going to a new, hip joint
> 2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
> 1972: Rolling Stones
> 2002: Kidney Stones
>
> 1972: Being called into the principal's office
> 2002: Calling the principal's office
>
> 1972: Screw the system
> 2002: Upgrade the system
>
> 1972: Disco
> 2002: Costco
>
> 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
> 1972: Passing the driver's test
> 2002: Passing the vision test
>
> 1972: Whatever
> 2002: Depends
>
> Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
> change things :
>
>
> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
> born in 1983.
>
> They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
>
> Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>
> Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>
> The CD was introduced the year they were born.
>
> They have always had an answering machine.
>
> They have always had cable.
>
> They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>
> Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>
> Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>
> They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>
> They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are!
>
> They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
>
> They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
> Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
>
> They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
>
> McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>
> They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
> Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your
> life, and don't forget the younguns so they can see what the
> stone age was like.    ;-)


====================================
30 years ago I graduated high school this month.
I remember things that no longer exsisted.
like the ferry that use to cross at the wharf in Sand Point , about 55 miles from Ottawa,
I remember all the train stations, in SandPoint, Braeside, & Arnprior.

You know what made me feel old:
During my computer course: There was a young fellow, wearing Sun Glasses and swaying with the music coming from his head set.
I said you looked just like Stevie Wonder doing that.

AND HE SAID WHO IS STEVIE WONDER??????

Now that made me feel like the generation gap just got bigger.


talk to you later
Lenore

I am off the chart for remembering old things. I even played a 78 RPM record once. Wow now that dates me.

Anyone know what the material 78s were made of? Electricians should get this because it is a substance found in electrical conductors on a hydro line and is used as an insulator.

Selah

Pause and think of that.

Hugh ;D

Hugh,

     When I was a kid, 78s were the only records (unless you count the much older cylindrical types).  I don't remember what they were made of.

     My Mom always said I talk so much because I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle ::).  My kids never understood what she meant... ???

al

Al

You remember cylinders. I saw one in a museum but never played one.

The 78s were made of a hard brittle material called "bakelite". I hope the spelling is right.

I also had a calculator with a steel stylus you slide down and over to add multiply or divide with. It requires no batteries. And of course many of you have seen and used a slide rule.

But no matter what advances happen we always will need to use Duct Tape.

Hugh ;D

A relative of my father's wife is an expert at restoring and repairing the old cylinder phonograph machines.  He brought one to a party once and allowed me to try playing a few cylinders from his collection.

I used to add logarithms with a calculator like the one that you describe.

I used to have an old motorized Marchant mechanical calculator.  It was able to automatically divide.  Unfortunately, a kid at the Collins house jammed it, and it caught on fire. :'(

Steve,

Sorry about that.  If you wish I will assign an appropriate consequence to the malefactor.  (Those kids are all in their 30's now.)

Enforcement of the consequence, however, is up to you.

 ;D

God bless,

Thomas Maddux

 :)oKAY FELLAS:

Are we aging ourselves or what?

I remember my mother had a hi fi where you could play those 78 records , five or six can be put on at a time, and music. The hi fi is gone, but I bet my mother still has those records some place.  Gene Autry, Hank Snow, Mac Beattie,  Patsy Cline, some of the earlier country western singers of the late 40's and early 50's.

Although the 33  and 45's replaced them. I still have some 45's in my closet, and 33 albums, nothing to play them with. These youngesters dont even know what a record player is.
How about 8 track tape deck.

Al you must be old enough to remember the scandal of Elvis Presley, my first singing "idol".  I still have albums in my closet that are mostly Elvis Presley.

I like Chubby Checker, "twist". a good exercise dance.

You guys are talking equipment.  Have you guys ever operated a tread pedal, sewing machine.
I did. when I was a child. I made my own doll patchwork doll blankets on that old machine.
I dont know where that machine went too. I remember pedalling it , and the bobbins were not round like they are in today sewing machine, they were cynider like , including the case to put the bobbin in.
There were no fancy stitching on them either. It was straight stitch all the way.
Al your mom probably had one of those contraptions, to do her sewing with.
Hugh ,we should ask if they remember the first ski -doo.

My Mother tells me of the time that in Braeside, they plowed the sidewalks, not the street, in the winter the cars were put away, and the horse and sled came out. The side walks were for walking.  Sometimes I wish this was true again. The sidewalks are terrible in the winter time in this town.

Okay, since I got my hot water back on. Who remembered taking their baths, in the middle of kitchen floor in a galvinized tub, and parents having to melt snow to get water to bath in.
Using the little building out back for call of nature. No running water, no in door plumping, no central heat. I do.  Having meals made on wood stoves, my grandparents never knew what indoor plumping, didnt have a phone, cooked and heated with a wood stove year round, they had to carry their drinking water. They died 25 years ago. So even in the late 70's people were still living like this. There are still people in remote areas still are putting up with this pioneer ways of living.

It is great to have a look back at what was, what is , and what may come.
How far have we gotten?
In 25 years, this town of Arnprior, and village I grew up in of Braeside, the growth that has occurred.
The speed of it all, is so unsettling at times., or am I just saying, I am getting old.

Talk to you later.
Lenore

 :)June 18: 1:54 pm

Here is something that was emailed to me this morning.

I Believe this is appropriate topic for the discussion of late:


THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.


 Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.


 My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.


 I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
 A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.


 "Information."


 "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.


 "Isn't your mother home?" came the question.


 "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.


 "Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.


  "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
  "Can you open the icebox?" she asked.


   I said I could.


   "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.


 After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked
 her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.


  Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called,
   Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and   then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so   beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a   heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"


  She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul  always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."


  Somehow I felt better.


  Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
  "Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked.


 All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I   was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden  box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new  phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.


  Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the  serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little  boy.


 A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown
operator and said, "Information Please."


   Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
   "Information."


   I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please  tell me how to spell fix?"


    There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."


     I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"


     I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me.
    I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."


     I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.


      "Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."


      Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
      "Information." I asked for Sally.


     "Are you a friend?" she said.


     "Yes, a very old friend," I answered.


      "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died  five weeks ago."
      Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered.


       "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.


      Let me read it to you."
      The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.
He'll know what I mean."


      I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.


      Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.


      Whose life have you touched today?


       Why not pass this on? I just did....


      Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.


     Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.


     I loved this story and just had to pass it on. I hope you enjoy
it and get a blessing from it just as I did.




---------------------------

Just Remember BB people, we are not getting older, we are getting better!! I hope!!

Lenore

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very special person that went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started..............

thanks I needed that.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, Pastor, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Keep them coming Al:  I needed some spiritual, emotional, what ever you want to call it , lift up.

Thank you.

Lenore

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER             June 21, 2004  



               WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO MORMON BABY

As an amazed doctor and nurses looked on, a most unusual baby was born last Friday. "I couldn't believe it at first" said a startled Minnie Eubanks, a nurse at Good Samaritan Hospital, where the birth took place. "We were all taken quite aback" she added nervously.

The baby's mother, Nan Stevens, a staunch Catholic, was perhaps the most amazed of all. "I just can't believe this has happened!!" she said anxiously, "I took all of my vitamins, and never smoke or drank during the whole pregnancy!!" The baby's father became comatose and was admitted to the Psych ward for further examination.

"We saw the baby's head first" said another assisting nurse, Matilda Wentworth. Then the baby came out, wearing black pants, a white shirt with black tie, and a name tag which read "Elder Stevens"." she added. "And when he came out his legs were moving in a bicycle motion, you would have sworn he was on one" added the other attending nurse, Mary Howard.

Doctors and scientists are investigating the birth, while others are blaming the new pre-natal drug Josmithicol for the possible irregularity. Whatever the cause, Elder Stevens is resting comfortably in the Pediatric Ward of the hospital. The nurses state that when they play anything from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir the baby stops crying and falls quickly asleep.Elder Stevens and his mother will be allowed to go home in two more days.

It must have been a slow news day at the National Enquirer.

The Mormon baby story was on page 9.
JIMMY HOFFA RETURNED BY ALIENS was on the
front page.

--Joe

Once I was standing in line in a supermarket.  I noticed that one of the tabloids had the headline, "Man Explodes On Operating Table".

I confess that I was curious enough to pick it up and read it.  I was imagining an operating room with internal organs stuck to the walls and ceiling.  Turned out that all it was was a story about a man who was going to have a laser applied to something on his abdomen.  They swabbed him with regular alcohol instead of a modern disinfectant, and when they fired up the laser, he caught fire for a few seconds.

They failed to make a sale that day.

Tom

 :)JUNE 25TH, 3:08 AM. EST:

From the Book: THE TALE OF THE TARDY OXCART
by Charles R. Swindoll

On the subject of obedience:

At a certain children's hospital, a boy gained a reputation for wreaking havoc with the nurses and staff.
One day a visitor who knew about his terrorizing nature made him a deal. "If you are good for a week" she said "I'll give you a dime when I come again"
A week later she stood before his bed.
"I'LL tell you want," she said
"I won't adk the nurses if you behaved. You must
tell me yourself. Do you deserve the dime?"
After a moment's pause.
a small voice from the sheets said.
"Gimme a penny?"

     Sad to say, I think that had this applied to me when I was a kid, I would have owed the dear woman money! :-[

al

 ;D: Maybe here is one that you probably recognize then:

From the book: Tales of the tardy Oxcart:


Topic is Theology:

I think I learned my first theology at my mother's knee. She said. "Lord help you if you ever do that again.".



Here's another by author: Leslie Flynn

A GROUP OF THEOLOGIANS were discussing predestination and free will. When the argument became heated, the dissidents slit into two groups. One man, unable to make up his mind which group to join, slipped into the predestination crowd. Challenged as to why he was there, he said. "I came of my own free will." The group reacted. "Free will! You cant join us!." And he retreated to the opposing group and met the next challenge. "What are you doing here!"
"I was sent here." "Get out" they stormed. "You can't join us unless you come of your own free will."


Another one:(THis will make you think)

TWO MAJOR MISTAKES: are commonly found in the family of God. One is giving lost people too much theology: two is giving saved people too much of the gospel.  Saved people don't grow if all they're told is the cross and the tomb.  Lost people won't understand if what they are told is the deep subjects of theology.

A priest and pastor were on the side of the road.
They held up a large sign proclaiming: "The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
and they showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't seem to appreciate the sign
and shouted at them as he whizzed by, "Leave me alone,
you religious freaks!"

Seconds later, they looked at each other quizzically, and the priest said to the pastor, "Do you think maybe our sign should just say


                                   BRIDGE OUT instead?"

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

     The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much  confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

                                        :o"Picabo, ICU." ::)


 

 :D: JULY 12/ 8:51 PM

THE TALE OF THE TARDY OXCART :

Topic: Education:
Author:  Anne Ortland:

"""I laughed at the little elementary school child who took a test on human anatomy and failed it.  She was the only one in the class who failed that particular examination.  This is how her test read: "The human body composed of three parta: The branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity.  The branium contains the brain. The borax contains, the lungs, the liver, and the living things. The abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five; a,e, i.o and u."""


A schoolboy said. "The pilgrims came here  seeking from you know what, landed and gave thanks to you know who, now we can worship on Sundays you know where.

                         20 Ways To maintain Your Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.  Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "Charitable Contribution"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With; "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People How Old They Are.  Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify Several Times At The Drive-through That Your Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask  Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock-Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."  


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This List To Someone To Make Them Smile....It's Called Therapy...


                                                  ;D

 



                                              KIDS


     After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
    At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
    "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"!
    I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,how are we alike?"
    "You're both old," he replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story.
    "What's it about?" he asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
    I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.
    At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
    Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."  The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide- eyed.
    In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
    With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
    Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
    "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."
    The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
    "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"     "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
    The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

********************
    A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.  She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
    Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

**********************
    A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
    "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
    "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," the teacher said.  But who's the fourth person?"
    "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot."

************************
    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.     "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 :DJULY 18TH  'HAPPY LORD'S DAY'

Book: Tales of the Tardy Oxcart

Topic: Preaching:

"A preacher was giving a lecture on the  Minor Prophets one after another. He came finally to the Book of Amos. "we have now come to Amos" he said,
"and what shall we do with Amos".
A man sitting in the rear of the house said.
loud enough to be heard by everyone.
"He can have my seat, I'm going home."

Author:  F.B.Meyer


I read of a young miniser whose besetting sin was not laziness, but conceit. He frequently boasted in public that all the time he needed to prepare his Sunday sermon was te few moments it took to walk to the church from the parsonage next door. You could probably guess what the congregation voted to do.
They bought the new parsonage eight miles away.


God Told me to feed my sheep, not my giraffes
author: H.A.Ironside

                               Experiencing the Unexpected


     A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.  :oThe driver screamed, losing control of the cab, nearly hitting a bus, driving up over the curb, and stopping just inches from a large plate glass window.

     For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry :-[ but you scared the daylights out of me."

     The frightened passenger apologized to the driver :-\, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.

     The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my first day driving a cab....   ::)for the last 25 years I've driven a hearse."

This collection of Will Rogers' witticisms comes compliments of Glory Maddux:

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.  

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.  If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.  

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.  

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.  

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.  

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.  
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.  

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.  

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.  

Thanks, Glory! :D

A few weeks ago on a dark and stormy night, I was lost, driving around some mountain village when my car broke down.  In my distress I noticed an image reveal itself whenever lighting would flash off in the distance. This I made out to be a castle.  With renewed hope I started out for it. As I walked I was met by a strangely moustached old villager who asked me aprehensively where I was going. After I told him the most terrified look came across his face.  "Oh no" he reponded "You don't want to go there!" The people in that place are horrible!" "They walk around all the time with eyes that stare off and mouths dropped open!" At this I confronted the oldman, "Do you mean to tell me that this castle is filled with zombies?"
"No" "I'm trying to tell you" "That castle is the Republican headquarters!"

Just another Dave Mauldin attempt to bring understanding through intelligent discussion and to celebrate the diversity of opinion. ;)

     Oh, I dunno, Dave.  It sounds pretty much like what "a strangely
moustached old villager" who was out & about "on a dark and stormy
night" might say... :) :D ;D

al ;)


 

O.K. guys I stole this from a Bob Hope movie he made back in the forties.  What can you come up with?  More lame criticism?

Now, David, don't get all torked and defensive.  Maybe you can help us understand what kind of response you were looking for.

Were you hoping we would say:

a)  Oh!  Ha ha!  We Republicans are an evil bunch.  Boy, he sure has us nailed.

b)  Oh, wow!  Is that how liberals look at us?  I had no idea.  We better investigate as to how to make ourselves more likeable.

c)  Gee, that's alot like Jerry Fallwell mixing at a Washington party where gays and lesbians are present and telling a joke that puts down homosexuals.  Probably not very tolerant, sensitive, or wise.

-Dave

P.S.:  They had the same joke on the Simpsons, but it worked better because (as with Bob Hope) they tend to satire everything and remain politically neutral overall.

Actually, the old villager was lying.  Everyone knows that Dracula lives in that castle.  Dracula, of course, is a Democrat.

We know this because he wants to suck the lifeblood out of everyone so that he can feel good.  Nowadays, the Democrats use taxation to accomplish the same end.

Thomas Maddux

A joke from a Latigo (http://www.oldmontana.com/comics.html) comic strip from 1981 seems to fit here.


Setting: There's an old west style church with singing, "Amazing grace! how sweet the sound ...", and framed on the wall is a register showing: "Number on the roll: 82", "Attendance last Sunday: 17", "Attendance today: 26", "Offering last Sunday: $6.25".


The sermon begins:

"Our lesson today comes from St. Luke, chapter 18 ..."

"... Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican."

"The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican ..."

"... and this publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes to heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner."

"I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted."


Afterwards, a man shakes hands with the minister:

"I sure did enjoy the lesson today, rever'nd ... made me feel mighty good about myself!"
"Really, Adam?  How so?"

"Well, sir ... that old Pharisee figgered he was pretty hot stuff, an' the Lord put him down ..."

"... but he was plum' happy with that Republican!  Made me proud t' be one!"

Hello everyone.

Please forgive me for interupting your other topics but this is too much to pass up.

Defendant claims constitutional right to TV

NEW YORK - Some judges throw the book at suspects; others throw away the key. One federal judge decided to throw away the TV when he sentenced a defendant to a 10-month ban on television watching.

The defendant's lawyers have argued that the television ban violates their client's First Amendment rights and last week won a temporary stay until they can argue the case before a federal appeals court.

U.S. District Court Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein meted out the no TV sentence in December to Edward Bello, 60, of Orange County, The New York Times reported Thursday.

Radio and Internet use, however, were permitted.

Bello, who has a 30-year history of petty crimes including disorderly conduct, possession of a gambling device and his latest offense, credit card theft, has never spent a day in prison for any of his crimes.

Bello's attorney, Robert Baum, said the television ban smacked of censorship but Hellerstein said he instituted it "to create a condition of silent introspection that I considered necessary to induce (the) defendant to change his behavior, to adhere to the right and to eschew wrong."

In addition to the TV ban, Hellerstein ordered Bello to 10 months home detention and said he could leave the house only for work, grocery shopping, church, educational or medical reasons. Bello, a vending machine repairman, also was ordered to pay 10 percent of his annual income to banks and merchants as restitution for the nearly $27,000 he racked up using stolen credit cards.

Until the case is heard, Bello is free to watch any of the seven televisions in his home.

The Associated Press
March 7, 2002

What do you all think? Will he be a changed man.

Professing to be wise they became fools. Has this world gone completely off its rocker?

Hugh ::)

 :D: August 25 at 12:33 am Arnprior Time:

On Sunday evening, Pastor B, told a joke.

There was a church, who was trying to raise money for the building fund. The pastor came up with a idea. If anyone would pay $200, they can choose 3 hymns , that would be sung for each week for one month.
Again the pastor asked from the pulpit, anyone willing to pay $200 for three hymns.
Up came an elderly lady, She handed over $500.  
Pastor asked her okay which three hymns.
The elderly lady said
" I take him, and him, and him."
(pointing to three men in the congregation)

     Well, this young seminary graduate and his wife accepted the pulpit of a small one-room country chuch in an economically depressed area of Appalachia.  The congregation had no money to offer, but was able to provide a small cottage adjacent to the church, for a parsonage.

     With no salary and no work readily available, the energetic pastor and his wife planted a large vegetable patch, and built a poultry barn, in which to raise turkeys, so to be able to feed themselves.  Their first summer was a good one.  The vegetables came in abundantly, and the turkeys were downright prolific.  By the coming of autumn, the pastor's wife had canned enough vegetables and smoked enough turkey meat to get them through the winter with food to spare.

     The first Sunday in November, the pastor put up a large poster on the bulletin board at the entrance to the church that read, "Anyone wanting a free turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, stop by the parsonage after services.  Our coop runneth over."

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to yours.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a businesslike manner.

7. When making phone calls from home, you dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around and go back to get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to have noticed there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.  ;D

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and took twenty dollars. He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

RIDDLE;

A man goes into a hardware store, he buys;
 1 for $1
 10 for $2
 100 for $3
 What did he buy ?

Numbers for the address sign for his house.  Very useful if he happens to live at 100 Main Street.

You are correct Dave,
How about this one;

How do you make a handkerchief dance ?

I'm not sure, but I suspect "the answer, my friend is blown' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind."

Dave
 Great answer, but not the only answer.
You make a handkerchief dance...by putting a little boogie in it.
 Sorry about the loss of your wifes friend.
Mark K

FLORIDA ALLIGATOR ALERT

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife and FEMA are
instructing emergency workers to take extra precautions and keep
alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange, Dade,
Martin, St. Lucie, and Pinellas Counties.

Personnel are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as small metal
bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
Also suggested is the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an alligator.

To recognize fresh signs of alligator activity, the agencies have issued the  following:  The droppings of young alligators are small, odorless, and may contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings contain small metal bells and smell strongly of
pepper spray.

The Pope was visiting President Bush and they went for a boat ride. As they were sailing along, the wind blew off the Pope's hat into the water. President Bush had the boat stopped immediately and proceeded to walk on the water to fetch and return the Pope's hat. The next day the New York Times headline read:




                      Bush Can't Swim!

 

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking  for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what  type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said:  "A long frilly white dress with a  veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,  "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are  considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the  first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know  what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved  at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white  gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not,  despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,  he died of a heart attack as we were checking into our hotel.  My second husband  and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our  honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never  spoke to each other again."

"What about your third  husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat,"said the woman, "Every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

 ;D  Excellent  ;D

Make Someone Happy

Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.  Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says to her co-pilot, "Such big shots back there--I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."

   A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
 
 Seated at the bar is a nicely dressed and coiffed lady, probably in her mid-eighties.
 
 The gentleman walks over, takes a seat beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

LORD'S DAY NOVEMBER 21ST


Our Mission...  Make you Laugh

Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Contributed by: Raymond Coakley
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Contributed by: Eric Witty  
=====
It was only four days before Christmas. The spirit of the season hadn't yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our local discount store. Inside the store, it was worse.

Shopping carts and last minute shoppers jammed the aisles. Why did I come today? I wondered. My feet ached almost as much as my head. My list contained names of several people who claimed they wanted nothing but I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didn't buy them anything. Buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high cost of items, I considered gift-buying anything but fun.

Hurriedly, I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and proceeded to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it looked as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait.

In front of me were two small children-a boy of about 5 and a younger girl..

The boy wore a ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered tennis shoes jutted far out in front of his much too short jeans. He clutched several crumpled dollar bills in his grimy hands. The girl's clothing resembled her brother's.

Her head was a matted mass of curly hair. Reminders of an evening meal showed on her small face.

She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold house slippers. As the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo system, the girl hummed along, off-key but happily. When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they were a treasure. The clerk rang up the bill..

"That will be $6.09," she said. The boy laid his crumpled dollars atop the stand while he searched his pockets. He finally came up with $3.12..

"I guess we will have to put them back, " he bravely said. "We will come back some other time, maybe tomorrow." With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "But Jesus would have loved these shoes, " she cried.

"Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come back," he said. Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas.

Suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank you lady."

"What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" I asked. The boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus." The girl spoke, "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?" My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear streaked face.

"Yes," I answered, "I am sure she will."

Silently I thanked God for using these children to remind me of the true spirit of giving."

'Tis the Season!! Remember that it's better to give than receive so pass it on! Merry Christmas to all!!!

Contributed by Kristi Saunders
====

REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
====
There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
========
 WOMEN JOKES

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
---------------------------
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. & I think you're bad luck."
==============
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
==

 

 


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"  

MAN: "OK, but for that price, insist that it comes with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.  Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

This just came in an e-mail.  Someone clever went to a lot of trouble to entertain us oldtimers who remember Abbott & Costello:

---

Who's On(line) First"

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were around today, their infamous
sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like
this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the
Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reels 2, 3 & 4.  Can I watch them or not?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.  (His wife was sick and couldn't go with him)  He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good.  They did something different, however.  They sang praise choruses, instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "what are those?"

"Oh, they're okay.  They're sort of like hyms, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said:  "Well it's like this, if I were to say to you, "Martha,the cows are in the corn, well that would be a hymn.  If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, The big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,

The COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,!

Then if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

Hugh ;D

Hugh,

Some folks call this style of music "Seven Eleven Music".  

Each chorus has about seven words.....and you sing them eleven times.   ;)

Thomas Maddux

Folks,

Last Sunday the brother teaching in our adult fellowship showed us a little book.

It was called "Cat and Dog Theology".

He summarized its contents as follows:

"A dog knows its all about his master.....but a cat thinks it all about him."

Thomas Maddux

Dog:  He feeds me, grooms me, meets my every need - he must be God.
Cat:  He feeds me, grooms me, meets my every need - I must be God.

Here's one for all you mid-westerners, east coasters, north-westerners, and Canucks (Floridians & So CA folks may need an interpreter ;)).  With an advance apology to the fair-haired among you...

---

[/color]

A large truck and a sports car stop side-by-side for a red light.  A pert young blonde jumps from behind the wheel of the car, trots quickly around to the driver's door of the truck, and knocks on the window.  The driver lowers his window, and the blonde says, "Hi!  My name is Heather, and you're losing part of your load..."  The truckdriver smiles, shakes his head, rolls up his window, and as the light turns green, drives ahead.

She catches up with him at the next red light, and the scene repeats itself:  "Hi!  My name is Heather, and you're losing part of your load..."  The results, too, are the same.

This goes on for another three blocks until finally the truckdriver emerges first, goes up to the sports car, and knocks on the driver's window.  Heather opens her window and the trucker says, "Hi, my name is Bert, it's winter, there's two feet of snow, and I'm driving a salt truck!

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another man took the seat beside
him. The newcomer was a complete wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his
nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.


"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered.
There's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."


"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and you'll be as safe as anywhere in the world."


The other passenger, obviously relieved, stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been absolutely terrified, but if you live there and say it's OK, I guess I can take your word for it. What do you do for a  living?"


"Me?" Jack replied, "I'm a tail gunner on a  bread truck in Oakland."

The Norwegian Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out at once to the nearest fire department. When the fire fighters began to appear on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved, and I will give $50,000 to your fire department if you bring them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments were called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to whatever fire department would save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the ancient little fire engine, driven and manned by these grizzled, aged Norwegians, zipped past all the newer high-tech engines encircling the blazing plant... continuing straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other fire companies watched in awe as the Norwegian old timers jumped from their vehicle and began to fight the raging holocaust with a performance of effort and skill unsurpassed in the annals of firefighting.  Within an unexpectedly short time, the  old Norsemen had extinguished the last ember and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he had upped the reward to $250,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, exhausted old
Norsk firefighters.

The local TV news crews, having captured the whole event on live feed and videotape, rushed in for personal interviews, asking "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Laars Olaffsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "t' furst t'ing ve do is ta fix t' brakes on t' fire truck!"

March 23th, 2005//sharing jokes I found on the web.
........................................................................
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*************************************************
A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
*************************************************
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."
*************************************************
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRAYER
An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?" he asked.
"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl.
"But I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EULOGY
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------















 

Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!   :)
Verne

This is an updated political version of the old Abbott & Costello baseball routine.  The role of Bud Abbott is played by President George "Dubya" Bush and Lou Costello's part is played by Condoleeza Rice:


Dubya:   Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi:   Sir, I have the report you wanted about the new leader of China.

Dubya:   Great.  Lay it on me.

Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.

Dubya:   That's what I want to know.

Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.

Dubya:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes.

Dubya:   I mean the fellow's name.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The guy in China.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The new leader of China.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The main man in China!

Condi:   Hu is leading China.

Dubya:   Now whadd'ya asking me for?

Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

Dubya:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi:   That's the man's name.

Dubya:   That's who's name?

Condi:   Yes.

Dubya:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat?  I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi:   That's correct.

Dubya:   Then who is in China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir is in China?

Condi:   No, sir.

Dubya:   Then who is?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir?

Condi:   No, sir.

Dubya:  Look Condi, I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Just get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Dubya:   Khofi?

George:   No, thanks.

Condi:  You want me to get you Khofi?

Dubya:   No.

Condi:   You don't want Khofi?

Dubya:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. Then get me the U.N.

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Khofi?

Dubya:  I said milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi:  And call who?

Dubya:  Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi:   Hu is the guy in China.

Dubya:   Will you stay out of China?!

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  I'll get Khofi for you right away, sir.

Dubya:  Oh, all right!  Fine!  With cream and two sugars.

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 5.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally
dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at
the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before
getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on this list.

and NOW you're laughing at yourself...

JUNE 14TH:


I went and explored the web for CLEAN CHRISTIAN JOKES

These can be a little corny:

But I thought maybe laughter can be the best medicine. It relieve the stress hormones.


So here is my contributions.


 
 The English Language 
 
 


n celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.
       
      There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!
       
     

 
 Measuring the Pole 
 
 


wo morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
       
      The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
       
      The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.
       
      The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the length."


Jokes
       Clean Christian jokes and humor about the stupid things we say and do and stupid things in life.

 
 
Partners
Home Vending Business
Home Biz Opportunity
Voice of the Martyrs
Make a difference
Bound by Sin?
Family edited Movies
Amazing T-Shirts
 
 
 
 Daily Affirmations 
 
 


      - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
       
      - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
       
      - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
       
      - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
       
      - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
       
      - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
       
      - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
       
      - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
       
      - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
       
      - Joan of Arc heard voices too.
       
      - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
       
      - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
       
      - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
       
      - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
       
      - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
       
      - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
       
      - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
       
      - I am at one with my duality.
       
      - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
       
      - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
       
      - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
       
      - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
       
      - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
       
      - False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
       
      - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
       
      - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
       
      - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
       
      - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
       
      - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
       
      - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
       
      - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
       
      - To understand all is to fear all.
       
      - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
       
      - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
       
      - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
       
      - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
       
      - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


Previous Stupidity Joke | Stupidity Index | Next Stupidity Joke

 
The Computer is Down"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

A day late, but still funny:

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

One Liners from Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.


I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.


A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.


I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

More on morons.

Less on lessons.

Or even ever, o?

Did you hear about the guy with the "beast" complex?  He was sick, sick, sick.

Would you like this discussion heated, regular, a la mode, or what?

No pain, no gain.  No brain, no pain. 

Knob!  Bonk!



Matt Sciaini

Just thought it might help to know..



http://www.physorg.com/news91078256.html

Howdy Trac4yt,

It is not clear to me what you are getting at by putting this link in the humor thread.  I gather you are laughing at the idea of an inflationary Big Bang creation event.

If so, then you are quite in sync with large numbers of Christians who ascribe to the belief in six 24 hour days of creation, with the universe appearing fully mature.

Many Christians do not see it quite this way, and there are whole books written advocating various theories that attempt to accomodate Biblical revelation with scientific research.  One of these, "The Genesis Debate" is a discussion between three teams advocating the Day-Age theory, (Hugh Ross and Gleason Archer), the six-day creation theory, and the Literary Hypothesis, also called the Dual Register theory.  It's advocates are G. Meridith Kline and none other than a good 'ole assembly kid, Lee Irons.

For Christians, the issue of how God created the universe is important.  The evidence for an ancient universe is overwhelming.  Because of this, the minority of Christians who reject the Big Bang theory as being at least possible are viewed as ignoramuses, (ignorami?), by most educated folks.  This does raise a problem for gospel outreach among educated people, since they figure we are ignorant people at the beginning of the discussion.

Regarding the claims made in your link:

1.
This fellow is flim-flaming his readers.  Nothing has several definitions, and he is merely using "absence of matter" as "nothing".  However, when he talks about a vacuum in which quantum fluctuations can take place he is actually appealing to another universe which has the same laws of physics as ours and so can "give birth" to our universe. 

There is absolutely no observational or experimental evidence for a meta-universe.  String theory has been useful in explaining some aspects of physics but claims that it proves the existance of multi-universes are actually statements of metaphysical faith, not physical science.

What is actually going on is that atheists are attempting to ressurect the idea that physical reality is eternal, which would mean that there is no need for a Creator.  These folks hate the Big Bang even more than the Fundamentalists do.  The scientific gobbldegook they use is designed to fool the innocent and careless, but Christian scientists have pointed out its dishonesty.

Blessings,

Tom Maddux

..Humor in the context of the atheistic, elaborate-schematics realm.
Ongoing Christian, "in-house", creation-timeline discussions are assumed acceptable and educational.
;)

Enjoy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttF5HVYtlQ&mode=related&search= (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttF5HVYtlQ&mode=related&search=)

(http://www.nctexasbirds.com/images/hot_news.jpg)

I'm not sure why this is under "laughter". I think the writer makes a valid point,   :rofl:


Seriously, this was hilarious. :rofl:  :rofl:

I checked out snopes as well as the Arkansas Democrat and it appears that this was a letter that was published.  Whether satire, April Fools joke, or someone who was just unclear about the concept . . . ?

Maybe if the global citizenry would lunge forward together a few steps at an assigned hour, the earth would pick up a little rotational speed, thus triggering a steady, cooling breeze dropping the general temperature a bit.

Folks,

It seems Ms. Meskimen is an attorney in Little Rock, Arkansas! 

A google search will give you her contact information.

I cannot believe she was serious.  Seems to me a little leg was being pulled....but....

Tom Maddux

Yeah, the evidence is in confirming satire.  Either I missed this on my initial visit to snopes or it was added later:

Evidently Mr. Mesimen has been receiving a number of direct inquiries about his satire, as the voicemail at his office phone presents callers with the following message:
“If you are calling about the Daylight Savings Time letter and wish to explain global warming or daylight savings time to me, I would urge you to get a sense of humor and/or a life, in that order.  Unless, of course, you want to pay me for an interview;  if so, please leave your telephone number and I will expediently return your call.”

A similar letter was found a month earlier in the Aspen Times.

Note:  I guess Connie is a guy.