the after effects of abuse

[Flora]

On the Assembly Reflections web site, on May 3, 2008, Mark Campbell posted comments regarding the Stranger-Rape story. Below is an excerpt of his comments:

"…Some of the Assembly leadership were involved in the violation of personal boundaries that have been called spiritual abuse.   ...    abusers seek to control and dominate another soul for their own personal gratification.    …   Even the most hardened evil abuser has to deal with some vestiges of a conscience, and finds some way to blame the victim for what they do. This means they have to discover a way to blame the victim for their own evil actions.    …   This religious domination, as I mentioned above, is subtle, but can be very devastating to a soul. …"

How true! How very true!

When I was growing up my parents taught us to trust what people say - to take people's words at face value and don't doubt them, unless there is an obvious contradiction. My parents were of a generation that considered a handshake equal to a written contract, signed and sealed.

Consequently, this training left me extremely gullable and vulnerable. However, years later, and many experiences later, trust is one of the hardest things that I struggle with, even to this day. Before I was married, when I was just getting to know  my husband, I really struggled with trust. It took me about 4-5 years before I could really say that I trusted him.

Combining my own experiences with the experiences of others that I have talked to, both Christian and non-Christian, I have observed that there are primarily two main attitudes that tend to put us in a vulnerable position for others to take advantage of us. These attitudes are trust and respect. The greater the trust and the respect one has for a person, the less you suspect them of having ulterior motives - until it is too late.

Cynicism, skepticism, and criticism tend to want to replace trust and respect. With God's help I am learning the balancing act between cautious trust and respect and healthy skepticism.

Frankly, there is no preacher, pastor, doctor, physiotherapist, or any one else in a position of power and authority that I trust at face value. I now verify everything told to me. My husband refers to this as healthy skepticism.

This balancing act between cautious trust and respect and healthy skepticism is a continual struggle for me. I'd like to here from others about how God helped them learn to trust again.

Our help is in the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Your sister-in-Christ,
Flora

[outdeep]

Flora,

This is a great journey you were on and I think many of us had to find that balance between the cynical "don't trust anyone over 40" and the idealistic "Brother George has been on his knees before an open Bible for 40 years so he has the mind of God."

For me now, wisdom seeks input from people I respect.  However, I am always aware that ultimately, it is my decision. 

[Germany98]

Maybe you can trust a person the moment he/she needs you to strengthen his/her faith, cause the person needs you as someone to help, so as to share problems with, pray together. that is a situation where suspicion would be out of place. If it's only onesided, just you are being told things as the sheep of another man or woman, without also being asked for help sometimes, then sure your "healthy suspicion" should work, in a cautious way

[Flora]

Dave, Germany98, after I read your comments, I have spent a fair bit of time pondering the issue of trust. Trust is one of those things that penetrate most areas of our life. It is a vital element in interpersonal relationships.

To my knowledge, I have not reacted negatively to anyone who has reached out to me for the purposes of having their faith strengthened. If this ever happened, it was not intentional. When I was about 10 - 12 years old, I learned a chorus that has become a prayer that I frequently pray, even to this day. The words of the chorus are:

O Lord, may this my purpose be,
That none, but Christ, be seen in me,
In life or death, to all around,
May love divine through me abound.

However, life has taught me to enter any new relationship cautiously. I have learned people can befriend you for a wide variety of reasons. For example an environmentalist friend recruited me to be on a municipal government committee to help write up a tentative pesticide use by-law. Their stated reason was that since I had studied a lot of toxicological effects of pesticides, and since exposure to pesticides is potentially fatal for me, they felt I would be a good contribution to the committee. The reality was that they thought I would be an easy person to manipulate and they just wanted me on their committee to rubber stamp their agenda. I refused to be manipulated; I refused to rubber stamp their agenda; and I resigned from the committee. That experience destroyed my trust in that friend and in that group of individuals.

Upon more reflection, I think I have to say that I don't take something as solid truth from anyone in a position of authority and power, without verifying the information. Dave, I agree with you that input from others, that I have learned to respect, is vital to arriving at the true facts, or to receiving enough information so that I can make an informed decision.

However, sometimes circumstances don't allow us that opportunity. In these situations, I have learned that the only thing I can really do is trust the Lord to undertake for me. For me, this greatest battle is in the medical field. Doctors have an incredible amount of power and authority.

When you are dying, there comes a time when you know you are dying. You know that unless there is a change very quickly, you will soon be entering eternity. At this point, you are totally at the mercy of the doctors and medical profession. I have been in this predicament on a lot more than one occasion. I have been in the hospital emergency, totally terrified, because I did not trust the doctor assigned to my care. I prayed; God bought a verse of scripture to my mind; and suddenly I had peace. God caused the doctor's treatment plan to be over ruled, and the medical care I needed was provided.

In the area of trust, I am learning to trust the Lord to give me wisdom to know who or what I should or should not trust.

Lord bless,

Flora

[Germany98]

Wow... how amazing!  what you have experienced with the doctors is really out of my - so far - relatively safe life. What great mercy of God. i am also thinking about trust. The difficult point is that people we love, have become close friends, can hurt us more deeply then people who have no real relationship with us. sometimes it is easier to love or forgive your enemy than your close friend...  especially when the relationship is based on faith in Jesus we should cherish our friends and maybe... sometimes God wants us take the risk of being hurt? what do you think?

[Flora]

Germany98,

You raise a very good question that I believe defines us as Christians. Jesus said that the world will know that we are His followers by our love - not by our doctrine.

The natural tendency when we have been hurt is to put a protective barrier or wall around our heart so that the person can never hurt us again. However, we never read in the Bible anywhere that Jesus protected His own heart against hurt. The very night He was being crucified, when naturally one would think He would really want and need the support of His friends, one betrayed Him, one denied knowing Him, and all of them deserted Him. Yet He never stopped loving them.

One time when I was praying about the very issue you mentioned, the Lord reminded me of Calvary. When they were nailing Him to the cross, we don't read that they had to pry His hands open in order to put the nails in His hands. He didn't make a tight fist and fight against having the nails put in His hands. He willingly and lovingly opened His hands - and His heart - to receive the nails of Calvary.

When we love someone, we make ourselves vulnerable to that person; they are able to hurt us much deeper than strangers ever could. Yet this path of love, is the path our Saviour has called us to walk as we learn to follow His footsteps, leaning on His everlasting arms for grace and strength.

To be honest with you, I have had more than enough hurts in my life, and frankly, I want NO MORE hurts. This issue is a continuous struggle for me. Every time I am hurt, my protective wall is raised around my heart. I will admit I have been angry at God many times over this issue. However, God doesn't give up on me. He will bring a song or a Bible verse to my memory and continue to do so until I yield to Him. Typically, I end up praying something similar to: "Lord, I can't continue to keep my heart open in love to this person any more, but if You want me to keep my heart open, then help me. I am willing Lord, but I can only do this with Your strength and grace." The Lord does hear and the Lord does answer.

At this point, I want to make a distinction between loving those who have hurt us and loving those who have abused us. An abuser is purposely hurting us for their own personal gratification. In love, God delivers us from the power and the grip of the abuser.

Each situation is different, however, God does not test us beyond what we able to endure. I don't need to interact with the abuser and have my wounds reopened in order to demonstrate God's love to him. I believe that just praying for the abuser is an act of love.

Well, I hope these few thoughts help to answer your question.

Lord bless,

Flora

[Germany98]

Thanks for your answer, i think we need God's grace on a daily basis cause we never know what someone might tell us that hurts us the way we are paralyzed by sadness  I think the way Jesus died on the cross is really something we never grasp completely, all we can do: living the thankful way from his power, we can't do any more. I hope God gives us mercy, open eyes to discern that people who hurt us can not do any harm to us, since we are not from the world. May God give us freedom to let go of our fear, which fears being hurt
Sometimes in my personal situation i have the big wish that God by his power comes into the situation... only God can change hearts! please read revelation 21, 3 following
best wishes, may God show his mercy here and now, for his honor that people hurting us may become humble before him