The "New" Humor

[David Mauldin]

Olie is walking down the street with a bag.

Sven "Hey wacha got in da bag?"

Olie: Chickens!"

Sven: "If I can guess how many can I have one?"


Olie: Sure if you can guess how many I'll give ya both of them!"

[al Hartman]

     A rabbi's son was nearing the age when he could get a driver's license.  He asked the rabbi, "Pop, will you get me a car for my birthday?"

     The rabbi considered, then said, "I'll tell you what:  You show me you are responsible by bringing up your school grades, taking seriously your study of the talmud, and cutting your hair to a decent length, and I will give you a car."

     A week before his birthday, the son approached his father again.  "I have shown you that I am responsible.  Are you going to give me the car I asked for?"

     The rabbi looked at his son with a serious expression, and said, "My boy, I am very proud that you have been placed on the honor roll at school and you are excelling in your study of talmud, but your long hair is still a disgrace."

     "I've been thinking about that, dad.  All the great men of the scriptures had long hair: Samson had long hair, Moses and all the prophets are always shown with long hair.  Even Jesus had long hair," the son argued.

     "Yes," answered the rabbi, "And you'll notice that everywhere they went, they walked!"

[Arthur]

Ah.. he should have referenced Elijah since he got that chariot  Hmm..but maybe that wouldn't fly since no long hair was mentioned?

[al Hartman]

     OK, so this guy walks into a church, right?  ...and while he's looking around, the pastor walks up to him and says, "Do you like the way our church is laid out?"
     The guy replies, "It's laid out very nicely. How long has it been dead?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

     In a small, ramshackle backwoods country church, the preacher is holding forth with great zeal.  Two oldtimers, each chomping a large plug of tobacco, sit in the front row cheering him on.
     He preaches against the sin of gambling, and the two old fellows shout "Amen, preacher!"
     He rails against the sin of drunkenness, and they holler, "Preach it, brother!"
     There follow attacks upon the sins of carousing, drugs, and dancing, all met by the aged parishoners with shouts of "Hallelujah!  You tell it!"
     At last, the preacher gets around to the sin of chewing tobacco.  One of the elderly gents leans toward the other and says, "Now he's gone from preachin' to meddlin'!"

[al Hartman]

     OK, so this guy walks into a church, right?  ...and while he's looking around, the pastor walks up to him and says, "Do you like the way our church is laid out?"
     The guy replies, "It's laid out very nicely. How long has it been dead?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

     In a small, ramshackle backwoods country church, the preacher is holding forth with great zeal.  Two oldtimers, each chomping a large plug of tobacco, sit in the front row cheering him on.
     He preaches against the sin of gambling, and the two old fellows shout "Amen, preacher!"
     He rails against the sin of drunkenness, and they holler, "Preach it, brother!"
     There follow attacks upon the sins of carousing, drugs, and dancing, all met by the aged parishoners with shouts of "Hallelujah!  You tell it!"
     At last, the preacher gets around to the sin of chewing tobacco.  One of the elderly gents leans toward the other and says, "Now he's gone from preachin' to meddlin'!"

[Rudy]

This was in Sunday's comics.

Non - Sequitur


The principal just called and told me what you did, Danae...
What do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, sure...  Just pile on with everyone else!
Why must you keep dwelling on the past?

But you just did it today.

OK...  While I agree that the incident was, let's say, avoidable,
I think it should be pointed out that only a small percentage
of the boys were hit by my perfume-filled balloons.

Frankly, I'm offended by the constant harping on this one
issue and that you'd stoop to such blatantly bigotted
GIRL - BASHING !!

Uh..  Gosh.
I'm sorry.

OK...  Just don't let it happen again

Dad:            What the heck just happened?

Danae's sis: The Victimization Rope-A-Dope.
                    It's all the rage today, Daddy.

[Joe Sperling]

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Give me three beers please".  "Three beers? You sure
you want three beers?" says the bartender. "Yeah--three.
One for me and one in the remembrance of both of my brothers". He downs them quickly and walks out. The next night he walks in and asks for the same. "Listen fella, I think you got a serious drinking problem" says the bartender. "Mind your own business and give me a beer and
one each for my brothers". The next night he comes in and
says "Two beers please". "Two?" asks the bartender, "what happened to the three". "Oh I took your advice and quit drinking" says the guy.

[David Mauldin]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can do math and those who can't

[sfortescue]

A favorite joke among San Francisco lawyers concerns the phony who fakes an injury in an auto accident, comes to court in a wheel chair, and is awarded two hundred thousand dollars.  When the verdict is announced, the insurance company lawyer snaps, "You're going to be tailed by a private eye wherever you go from now on, and as soon as you take one step out of that wheelchair, we'll throw you in jail."  The phony smiles and advises the lawyer pleasantly, "Don't go to all that trouble.  I'm going from here to the Waldorf in New York, then to the Savoy in London, then to the Ritz in Paris, then on to the French Riviera, --- and after that to Lourdes for the miracle."

[MGov]

Harry went to the dentist to have a tooth checked out. The dentist asked him if he wanted him to freeze the area first.
Harry replies, 'No. I'm trying to transcend dental medication.'

[al Hartman]

TRUE STORY:

     My wife, Cathy came home the other afternoon looking mildly displeased.  
     "What's wrong?" i asked.
     "I thought you said this would be a good day to mow the lawn," she replied with a sweeping gesture toward our tall grass.
     "Well, i did say that, and it is true," i told her, "But you're reading WAY too much into it."

[MGov]

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.  

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.  He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.  


('Someone' whose initials are AH sent this to me)

[sfortescue]

What about the notorious al-Hartman association?

[al Hartman]

Stephen,     That's El-al to you!

[MGov]

quote author=Peacefulg link=board=9;threadid=408;start=0#10511 date=06June2003

Two things!

1. I thought Paul was an apostle, so technically you would have to have to go with the 13 apostles.  And McGov I agree with you regarding connecting signs and wonders with apostles.
...

Cheers,
George
end-quote

George, you are the umpteenth person who has referred to me as McGov.  Even Kim (oops sorry Kimberley) referred to by that name.  Bre did too, and others.  But its Al's fault, because he started it.

M

the fine print:  I hope everyone knows that I am joking!


PS.  George, are you British?