fantasy meetings

[grown up]

omg dave, those are hilarious!    i must have been at least three of those stereotypes at various points in my assembly career.

at prayer meeting this one unfortunate fellow was expounding on the 'organism vs organization' nature of the church, building up to the impassioned climax of his message: "and so we all work together like one Huge Perfect ORGASM"

*shocked silence*

"er, um, organism..."

No way Brian I am now trying to figure out who said that but give me time and I will. That is way too funny

[BAT]

Try this one. 1 point per correct guess.

1. Wife Training, OR, how to spend all my time sipping venti lattes in starbucks (and chatting with single sisters) while my wife slaves away with our many children=   Brother ____________?

2. The Knowledge of Good & Evil, OR, a great excuse to show off my PowerPoint skills during sunday afternoon meetings= Brother _________?

3. Pro-Creation, OR, why birth control is of the devil (every sperm is sacred!) = Brother ____________?

the first one to post the 3 correct answers is the daily-double winner!

1.) McCallister
2.)Notti
3.)Ron Womack?

My fantasy meeting:

GG.  "Are you with me friends?"

"Are you kidding?  How can we be with you?  You aren't making sense, you're taking the verses out of context, you're reading notes that are poorly written, and MAN WASN'T CREATED ON THE SEVENTH DAY!!  How in the He!! can anyone be with you?  Everyone here knows in their hearts that you're full of crap, and what's wrong with these spineless weasels that they let you get off saying man was created on the seventh day?  Why are you an adulterer?  Why do you let your son beat his wife?  Why do you handle all the money?

Oh, if your goons touch me, I'm going to fight.  In fact, I'm gonna kick your adulterous @ss right now!"

Now that's a fantasy!

Are you with me dear friends?

[matthew r. sciaini]

All:

I just spent about twenty minutes crafting some rules for this thing, and hit "esc" by accident.  I'll try it again.

BTW, I meant no ill will to the men I listed.  That order just would have been an absolute fantasy under the system.

Here goes:

first brother -- 0 to 10 points for a sermon

second brother-- -40 to 40 points for sermon

third brother--  -120 to 120 points for a sermon

GG-- -360 to 360 points for a Sunday morning sermon;   -1080 to 1080 points for a seminar message, which translates to -7560 to 7560 points for an entire seminar, at least the seven message variety.

Any other considerations?  I'm on a public computer, so it might not be until tomorrow that I respond.


Why the negative values?  Generally speaking, men of little experience in preaching or of little gift may do some good, certainly will do little harm.  But the "higher" one goes, or thinks he has progressed, the farther down he can fall.  If this is confusing to any, just think of GGs seminars from about 1998 on.   (maybe for some it was before this, but better late than never). 


Matt

[moonflower2]

My Fantasy Meeting:

GG is tied to a wooden chair below an empty stage where no one can see him.

Chair description:
       
The back is at a non-ergonomic slant, which prevents him from sitting straight up and creates an ache in his back for which there is no relief. The uncushioned seat is high enough from the floor, so that his feet dangle. This creates a slightly forward arch in the position of his back. His feet have 50 lb. weights attached to them as they dangle, which prevents him from changing his comfortable postion. The weights tug on his legs so that the circulation is cut off on the back of his thighs and his feet begin to tingle.

Close surrounding atmosphere:

Someone in back of him whispers to the back his head, which is wired to the back of the chair to prevent him from turning:  "You are not focused on the Lord.    You are not committed to the Lord.    You have no capacity for the things of the Lord.  You don't measure up.  The saints love you.   Your back aches?   You have no capacity for things of the Lord."

A pen is surgically sown into his left hand and his right hand is superglued to the spirals of a notebook.

The room is air-conditioned to 40 degrees and the pages from a 3 foot Bible continually turn in front of him to create an even cooler temperature of 32 degrees. 

(He is allowed only water to drink, through a straw since his mouth has been wired closed, and only before the meeting begins. He is not allowed to use the washroom facilities until the meeting ends, and only after everyone else has used the facilities.)

The meeting begins:

One by one, all children under 8 years old, walk, crawl or roll along the stage. When each one spots the man tied to the chair, they lean over the stage and suck loudly on their artificially lighted, neon-colored giant-sized pacifiers in 3 cycles of 7 slurps each. 

The excited young man sitting to the back left of GG, gets up to superglue each pacifier to the edge of the stage and hands each child a gold bar or, if they are still crawling, a gold bullion is tied around their little neck.

Next, two pianists enter to play duets on their respective pianos. This goes on for one hour as the audience claps after each piece. As the pianists play the more familiar hymns, the audience comes up to sing on the stage - three rows at a time. As they leave to allow the next three rows to sing on stage, they are each handed a gold bar by the excited young man sitting to the back left of GG.

The hymnbooks that they are holding are the Calvinist "Psalter Hymnal" and the "Lutheran Hymnal". The titles of the books have brightly lighted, neon-colored letters on the front and back covers and are written in modern Greek. As the singers leave the stage, they set them on end so that the brightly-lighted, neon-colored letters on the binding are facing GG, who is trying to sleep, but for the excited young man to his back left knocking GG's right shoulder with a piece of fool's gold in the shape of a halo each time he walks past, whispering, "the shame of it all, my man. The shame of it all."

The four bored women, who were stationed in each of the four corners of the room during the meeting, compare their notes to each of the four videos taken of GG's every move, change their notes and submit the completed revision along with the spliced video to the annual synod of the local chapter of the Calvinist Church of the West Coast held in Colorado.

[matthew r. sciaini]

Elizabeth and all:

I can only think of one preacher who ever REALLY publically humiliated me...and from what I heard his wife told him that he should stop--which he did, so I will not mention his name here.  

As for Al's request for fantasy doorkeepers, I think they definitely should be allowed.

I might even be one myself, seeing that I never "made it" to "real" doorkeeper.  
I probably would have scared people off from the meetings.  

And for scoring for these fantasy doorkeepers:

10 points for the front door check-in position...

20 points for exhibiting special wisdom in determining whether visitors would defile the meeting or not....

10 more points if visitors are admitted and sit where they are shown....20 if this is a successful sister seating.

30 points if the visitors stay for all worship....

30 more points if the visitors stay for the entire morning meeting....

BONUS!   150 extra points if the experience was so good that the visitors came back for the afternoon meeting.

(doorkeeper scores points based on HIS visitor contact skills, and continues to score points based on what that visitor does throughout the assembly day as a result of his (the doorkeepers) initial interaction with said visitor.  NOTE:  the above scores are to be multiplied by the number of visitors the doorkeeper "intakes" and "processes").  

The doorkeeper(s) on seating can take their share of the intake doorkeeper's points--just divide by number of doorkeepers performing that function.

Those on the back door get 30 points automatically no matter what, because:

a)  it is a thankless job

b)  if anybody would try to do a sneak attack on the meeting, the backdoor doorkeeper would be right in line for it

c)  any stray emissions of gas would waft their way back to his area

Also, 30 extra points per doorkeeper for a Lord's supper procession successfully conducted.  

Oh, and I forgot about the person giving the message for the Lord's supper:

0-20 points for a Lord's supper message from a doorkeeper.

-40 to 40 points for a Lord's supper message from a leading brother or elder.

-120 to 120 points for a Lord's supper message from GG, unless he has a special burden for the morning, in which case normal scoring is suspended, because there can be no quantification of such out-of-control behavior.....MAYBE one can just write it off (or any GG day--morning, noon and night) as negative googol (which is 10 to the 100th power, I believe).

And, for the "garden variety" brother delivering a Lord's supper message:  0-120 points.

No negative here, because one must have a fair amount of gumption to tell a whole congregation to be seated and then walk up to the microphone to address them about something as important as the Lord's supper, if one is not recognized as being "anything" in the assembly.  0 points is the lowest, because however ineffective the message might be, given that the said brother is sound in doctrine and life, his bravery in getting up will cancel out a lame message.  The congregation will definitely break even.

I give these scores from the perspective of one who was in the Fullerton Assembly for 16 years, during a time when it was as large as it would ever be.  I realize that people from Champaign, Springfield, Tuscola or Spokane (most any assembly where the population was under 50) may find this cumbersome.  

Perhaps we can have different leagues.....bear in mind that these numbers are pre- 01-19-03;  many assemblies mentioned below do not even exist anymore (which doesn't matter;  after all, this IS fantasy):

the 'A' league for groups like Calgary, Madison, Spokane, and Tuscola (under 50 members)

the 'AA' league for groups like Huntington Beach, Arcata, San Francisco and Placentia (50-100 members)

the 'AAA' league for groups like Fullerton and Forest Park (Chicago area)  (over 100 members)

I hope this isn't too complicated, and would appreciate any contributions.  I'm not really a sports fan, but I felt this would be some good fun to have on the forum.  We were so often so serious in the old assembly about things that it was twisted.  Even the priests in the Old Testament partook of the offering as part of their provision from the Lord.  As far as I could tell, the poor doorkeepers never got a chance to gnaw on the bread leavings from the Lord's supper during their largely uneventful vigils out of sight of the congregation.  

(An aside on this:  a brother that I used to live with had me "go beyond the call of duty" during a seminar to make sure a meal in process was not burning or burning down the house, and I arrived back too late to partake of the bread, but he allowed me to partake thereof with the doorkeepers, whereupon one of the doorkeepers asked me "are you a doorkeeper"?  The poor brother who allowed me thought he would be in trouble.....but that was the whole caste mindset.  We were and are brothers in Christ....what difference when one partakes as long as it is in purity and godly sincerity?)

And one thing further that I might add:  my own experience with doorkeepers on my first meeting was not memorable, but not negative.  Any details in this setup here are gleanings from the writings of the experiences of others, or out of my sometimes twisted imagination, or even from observing things in Fullerton.

Matt  

[Elizabeth H]

the correct answers are:
1. McCallister
2. Notti
3. R. Zach

"Just Me" is the winner! And what does she win? She and a friend will enjoy a 7 nights in beautiful Beulah Land, feasting on corn & wine, have a mansion prepared for her and climb to Beulah Land's highest mount! Congratulations "Just Me" !
Music swells:
O Beulah Land, Sweet Beulah Land as on thy highest mount I stand, I look away across the sea, where mansions are prepared for me....!

coming soon: new themes and a new chance to win!

[Elizabeth H]

Oh, if your goons touch me, I'm going to fight.  In fact, I'm gonna kick your adulterous @ss right now!"

Now that's a fantasy!

Are you with me dear friends?

rock on, BATman!
we're with you, all the way, baby!

[moonflower2]

Perhaps we can have different leagues.....bear in mind that these numbers are pre- 01-19-03;  many assemblies mentioned below do not even exist anymore (which doesn't matter;  after all, this IS fantasy):

the 'AAA' league for groups like Fullerton and Forest Park (Chicago area)  (over 100 members)

I hope this isn't too complicated, and would appreciate any contributions.  

Matt  

In light of the AAA FP team, I can think of some ways to collect negative and positive points.

20 negative points for each person crawled over on the way to the downstairs bathroom.

50 negative points for each trip to the bathroom during the meeting, the more kids assigned to you, the more trips you have.

100 positive points if you close the door before tripping down the one-person staircase to the bathroom.

500 negative points if your child takes a tumble down the towering staircase.

1000 neg points if YOU take the tumble (it has happened)

300 neg points if your voice travels from the bathroom basement area to the living room when a brother is preaching.

150 neg if you weren't aware that this could happen (first time occurance)

200 neg points if you aren't in your seat before the meeting starts

100 neg points if it was because you were in the line in the basement waiting to use the toilet.

333 neg points for child's coloring on the wall

600 neg points for child spilling drink on carpet

500 positive points for child wrongly being blamed for coloring on curtains

666 points for being in time for pre-prayer

1000 points for never being sick all year

500 neg points for letting the bread fall on to the floor

200 neg points for leaving lipstick marks on the cup

250 neg points for leaving a wax floater on the wine in the cup

250 neg points for passing a cup with a wax floater

500 pos points for meeting without working A/C

500 pos points for sitting in the coat rack (late stragglers) area in winter

100 neg points for saving a seat

700 positive points for collapsing a wooden chair, 1000 if it happens during sunday morning preaching. (it has happened)

I don't know that anyone would want to be on this team, but if interested, you could pick from the following characters:

Droning Druid Dan
Excited Elmo
Goodworks Greg
Never makin' it Ned
Loser Larry
Rejoicing Ralph
Booktable Bob (a genuinely true favorite)

Nursing Nancy
Amen Alice
Tiptoe Theresa
Mother Mary
Smiling Sally
Rejoicing Rachel
Lunchtime Lorraine
Headcovering Harriet

[grown up]

Perhaps we can have different leagues.....bear in mind that these numbers are pre- 01-19-03;  many assemblies mentioned below do not even exist anymore (which doesn't matter;  after all, this IS fantasy):

the 'A' league for groups like Calgary, Madison, Spokane, and Tuscola (under 50 members)

the 'AA' league for groups like Huntington Beach, Arcata, San Francisco and Placentia (50-100 members)

the 'AAA' league for groups like Fullerton and Forest Park (Chicago area)  (over 100 members)

I hope this isn't too complicated, and would appreciate any contributions.  I'm not really a sports fan, but I felt this would be some good fun to have on the forum.  We were so often so serious in the old assembly about things that it was twisted.  Even the priests in the Old Testament partook of the offering as part of their provision from the Lord.  As far as I could tell, the poor doorkeepers never got a chance to gnaw on the bread leavings from the Lord's supper during their largely uneventful vigils out of sight of the congregation.  

(Matt  

the 'A' league for groups like Calgary, Madison, Spokane, and Tuscola (under 50 members)

Here are some possibilites for the "A" league I think some of Moonflowers suggestions might work.

150 neg points for showing up Saturday night to set up chairs and saving a seat

250 neg points for letting the bread fall on to the floor and picking it back up during the doorkeepers meeting. An additional 25 points for forgetting to bring the bread to worship

300 neg points if your voice travels from the backroom area to the where a brother is preaching. This had happened where a brother would be preaching and you could hear talking in the back room. The store front we met in had a divider wall in the back that didnt go all the way to the ceiling and people could be heard during the meeting. The points can be adjusted since I can only think of a couple of Illinois assemblies who did meet in a storefront and not a house  

600 neg points for childor adult spilling drink on the just purchased carpet and new chairs.

700 neg points for arriving 15 minutes before preprayer only to find the heat is off and no chairs have been set up

800 neg points for dropping the "box" down the back stairs where it shatters into a few hundred pieces and if you are the brother who comes in Sunday AM to set up and cant find the box you win a special prize since the stress of possibility being severely beaten or being blamed for the boxes disappearance might be a bit much to handle.


100 points if a visitor came to chapter summary add 50 points for everytime that same visitor came to the following weeks chapter summary

300 points for being on time and not walking in 10 minutes into worship. This took courage in the assembly I was in because if you walked in and let the glass door slam then walked in the heavy screen door could make some noise too and everyone would just be watching you walk to to the first available seat.

500 points for being in time for pre-prayer. Since some of the smaller assemblies didnt have suburbs a smaller amount of points could be warranted but some of the assemblies maybe had individuals who lived in the rural areas and had to drive a little while

700 points if a visitor came to worship and stayed for the afternoon meeting and an extra 100 points if they came to the evening cookout

850 points for being the lucky soul who is voluntered to camp out at the tent during the tent meetings because there are more nights than brothers    

1000 points for never being sick all year

Since I had only been to a handul of meetings in Tuscola, Champaign Altona, Madison etc I think these can be adjusted.

[moonflower2]

As far as I could tell, the poor doorkeepers never got a chance to gnaw on the bread leavings from the Lord's supper during their largely uneventful vigils out of sight of the congregation.  

Matt  

Hmmmmm.............now this could be interesting! Who was watching the watchers during their uneventful vigils??

500 points for a safe run to McD's.

250 points for listening to the Beatles on a car radio.

666 points for sneeking around to the side door and using the toilet during a meeting and/or calling girlfriend from the downstairs phone.

888 points for scaling the wall to enter the upstairs kitchen window to taste the hot food cooking in the kitchen on Sunday, or to (gasp) seek a cup of coffee from the kitchen on Sunday

555 points for going downstairs to check on someone who just went downstairs to use the bathroom to make sure they aren't picking the lock on the door of the secret area where the tapes are stored (and who knows what else) or failing to flush the toilet or using up all the toilet paper, or stealing the paper drinking cups from the bathroom.

1000 points for sneaking out the bathroom window while leaving the bathroom door locked so that the line of dancing people snakes around into the downstairs bedroom, the unfinished basement area and up the stairs to where GG is preaching.

[grown up]

Those on the back door get 30 points automatically no matter what, because:

a)  it is a thankless job

b)  if anybody would try to do a sneak attack on the meeting, the backdoor doorkeeper would be right in line for it

I'm not really a sports fan, but I felt this would be some good fun to have on the forum.  We were so often so serious in the old assembly about things that it was twisted.  Even the priests in the Old Testament partook of the offering as part of their provision from the Lord.  As far as I could tell, the poor doorkeepers never got a chance to gnaw on the bread leavings from the Lord's supper during their largely uneventful vigils out of sight of the congregation.  

Matt  

600 points for Those on the back door and also those who stand outside in the winter when its 5 degrees and succesfully keep the stairs from Icing over. Additional points can be awarded if you have to shovel the 3 feet of snow that accumulated the night before.

800 points for the doorkeeper who sits in the back and succesfully consumes his McD's or other snack without being noticed.

999 points if you are the brother who takes the loaves and wine cup to the back after  because you do have the opportunity for a snack before the rush of small children overwhelms the leftovers. This also includes hiding the leftovers so the children scramble around looking for it only to be disappointed

[Elizabeth H]

1 pt. for surviving a crushing embrace & sweaty kisses from Papa (GG)

1 pt. for explaining to your school-friends that the reason so many people live in your home is because they are college students "renting" rooms

1 pt. for having 6 mothers (5 sisters living in your home) in addition to your real mother

1 pt. for having to compete for your parents' attention while they busy themselves with the "work of the Lord"

1 pt. for having to lie completely still on your mat for 2 hours

1 pt. for holding your bladder for the entire duration of a 3 hour meeting because leaving the meeting would be "distracting"

1 pt. for watching a child-training meeting take place in your living room while you cower on stairs praying to God for mercy

1 pt. for choking down lentil-bean soup during a summer kids' camp--and bonus points for barfing it up 5 minutes later

1 pt. for being told you are a "rebellious" child and rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft--bonus points if you were told this more than 1x a week

1 pt. for not knowing where or why your favorite saint disappeared overnight, but believing what you were told that they "left fellowship" which of course meant that they had dropped straight into hell

1 pt. for each of several unsuccessful runaway attempts

1 pt. for crying yourself to sleep at night because you missed your dad so much--he'd been gone on the "journey" for 8 weeks

1 pt. for not missing your dad anymore because he was gone so much--bonus point for telling him so

10 pts. for surviving your assembly childhood and functioning as a responsible member of society

[Jem]

These are so funny there gets to be a point where they are tremendously sad.

What were we thinking?!?!

Liz, I think way more points should be given to those who survive the assembly (especially having been raised in it) and become a functioning, responsible member of socitey (though that comes with its own reward).

[Mark C.]

I agree with you Jem!

  Elizabeth's last post, though very sad, tells a whole bunch in just a few lines!

  Think of what the Assembly child's experience was when their parents were one of those who left the group years before GG was unmasked?  These were the ones that "dropped straight into hell," and the children of course were the biggest victims in this situation.

  A billion points to Elizabeth, and others like her, for being able to survive! 

  My own children, now married and with kids, still are dealing with how we raised them in the Assembly, and  also our treatment by the group when we left.

  It is my personal belief that God has a special care for these kids, as they are truly the most innocent of victims.

    I don't mean to damper the humor on this thread with my rather serious comment, but had to respond to Elizabeth's very candid post.   Please continue what has been a very fun series of posts'.

                                          God Bless,  Mark C.
   
   

[al Hartman]

600 points for Those on the back door and also those who stand outside in the winter when its 5 degrees and succesfully keep the stairs from Icing over. Additional points can be awarded if you have to shovel the 3 feet of snow that accumulated the night before.

800 points for the doorkeeper who sits in the back and succesfully consumes his McD's or other snack without being noticed.

Hmmm...  Suddenly I see a huge advantage to choosing your fantasy team from among the Midwest and/or Canadian brothers-- no snow & cold in So. Cali.=points lost.
Seriously, though, I have to say Amen to awarding high points to the AKs. 

Our oldest daughter (almost 38) attended services with us this morning, and it was encouraging to see how much familiarity she has retained with the scriptures & hymns after distancing herself from Christ for many years.  But it was sad to observe how satisfied she seems to retain that distance, even when in the presence of the Lord's people.

She and her siblings put up with a lot of heavy demands from us during our assembly years, and a lot of confusion (also from us) after we left the assembly.  We thank God that He is gracious and merciful.  All we can do for our kids right now is pray, believe, and be available.

al