Hi Eulaha!
Thanks so much for your honest response to David M.'s question. I think I understand your present views of what it means to have a relationship with the Lord as you described it: "out of the box."
When I was in the Assembly I certainly felt like I was
in a box so when I left the group I refused to allow anyone to try and put up walls around me again!
People who have never been in a cult/abusive church often question those who stayed in these groups (some for many years) something like this: "you were not a physical prisoner of the group; why didn't you just leave as soon as you realized something was wrong?"
The walls of that box are made up of: 1.) Guilt: A.) You are warned that fidelity to the group equals "being right with God."
To leave the group is to leave God.
B.) You are told that God accepts you based on your performance. This includes meeting attendance, bible reading, prayer, witnessing, etc.
2.) Feeling of belonging. This is the commitment to "friends" and our hunger to be accepted and wanted by others. That in the Assembly these emotions were dysfunctional is clearly understood, but to those held by these walls they are nonetheless very real.
It is the "B" part of guilt that I struggle with still to this day. I understand in my thinking that true relationship with God is "out of the box," in that it has everything to do with a gift based relationship with God vs. an earned one, but emotionally I still feel insecure without some of those walls around me to give me the assurance that I am okay with God!
When I avoid reading the bible and going to church it is because these in the past were the means of holding me in bondage for decades. Yes, I know that this was never God's intention in the church or his word
---- but how to overcome the overwhelming reluctance?1.) It's okay to just decide to "live outside of the box", in the sense that God understands former Assembly members are a bit burned out on "climbing heavenly ladders!" Consider it "time apart with the Lord" away from any of what might trigger memories from the past. That may even mean not reading the BB for a period of time--- if that gets you too emotional.
2.) I think it's a good idea to have a friend that you can talk to who understands what you've been through, and is possibly struggling with similar things, to just sit down and talk. This will go a long way to answering the "#2 point re. the emotional need for acceptance.
( When I was in the Assembly I knew some people for decades, but we were never able to have any kind of discussion that even approached a friendship. Indeed, we were warned against this kind of stuff.)
Now, some would insist that the two above points are not "spiritual," but humanistic/psychological answers that avoid the only true biblical solutions of church attendance and bible reading as the means to spiritual relationship with God. I would contend that there can be no true profit from church and bible reading as long as I have not resolved the issue of learning to live my life on the basis of freedom in grace---i.e., "outside the box" of my former days in Phariseeism.
I have discovered as I boldly resist living by guilt over my less than perfect performance, and instead opt to trust in the God who takes away my guilt and sin, that what insues is a marked change of heart in how I live my life.
People notice a change in my behavior: from the depressed self preoccupied person I was, to a more content and happy individual who represents a Christian relationship that is much more attractive to others than the former dark cloud attitude I had.
I also have a change of heart, in that I care more about people, not just defending/arguing my point of view---- I truly desire to "build up" others in their faith.
I think by this "out of the box" way of thinking about our relationship with the Lord eventually we will come back to bible reading and church life, but we will look at both in a completely different way as a result of changing the context for how I relate to God. Now the bible and church are not the walls of our imprisonment, but helpers in our joy and conduits for God's loving assurances!
We will see things that remind us of the Assembly in evangelical churches; there will be those trying to use guilt to get us to "serve the Lord," etc., but from our new "out of the box" understanding these things will not have the power over us they once did and we will learn one of the most blessed phrases for a recovering Assemblyite to utter:
"no thanks, but thanks for asking." Boy, God sure wants to bless us. Mark C.
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