I was fortunate to have left the Assembly just before my oldest was going to enter Kindergarten. As a result, I escaped the "raising kids in the Assembly" issues.
My oldest is now in the Navy and my youngest is a Junior in high school.
When I was a new parent, I heard a message by Jay Kesler on Focus on the Family. He said that the one thing you had to do to succeed was to "really love your kid". You can blow it in other areas but if you truly love your child, you will make up for the deficiences. At first, I thought that was too simplistic. But, as I grew older, I found the wisdom in that. If you truly love your child you will find ways (whether affirmling love, supportive love or tough love) to bring them along to where they need to be.
As I grew older, I found that I began to discard the methods and the "how-to" parenting books and think through each problem and issue as they arrived.
One way the Assembly helped me is by a negative example. I observed a child in the Assembly who was raised very strictly. Though he was an active, hands-on kid, he wasn't allowed to join the high school football team for fear that he would miss some meetings. His life was extremely structured. When he graduated from high school, the kid was completely unable to make a decision for himself. He tried some things and it was a mess. Now, years later, he is doing fine. Nevertheless, I resolved that when my kids get to be high school age, they will have the capacity to make their own decisions.
As a result, I used the high school years to transfer the authority to make decisions from me to them. They decide whether they are going to buy a car and how they are going to finance it. They decide whether they want to pass math or if they want to fail it and take it again. They decide what clothes they want to buy and wear as long as it is not offensive. Of course, I still decide on matters such as how late they can stay out or whether they have to go to church on Sunday. But even that can be open to discussion at times.
My role moved from being authortarian (which works fine when they are small) to provide guidance, counsel and affirmation that "yes, you are smart enough to make this decision".
For me, it worked. My oldest has advanced greatly in the Navy while some of his former peers are working at burger joints thinking about whether or not they want to finish high school. My youngest is thinking about a strategy to take college classes in the summer to graduate early and has been exploring the possibility of culinary school to improve his skills at the bakery he works.
One book I would read is something from the
Parenting with Love and Logic series. I wouldn't use this as your only source of parenting information because I think it is pretty one sided and I don't think their perspective works for every circumstance. But I think it is another tool in the arsenal and it had some good tips that I found useful - especially in the adolescent years. In the younger years, I am still more of an advocate of the "I'm God so do what I say because I have your best interests in mind" approach.
One clarification. If my teenager were in rebellion, that is a different matter. In this case, the book
Back In Control is very helpful.
