Troubled

[amycahill]

I am going to tell you a story, and it is going to be rambling, but please listen.

You see, I have been extremely ill for the last nine years, with no less than 30 hospitalizations during that time.  At times, I came close to death.  My last specialist over-medicated me to the point where I had many, many health problems, including physical disability in the form of needing oxygen 24/7.  My relatives are now telling me that, in December of 2006, they were giving me a year to live, no more.

In November of 2006, my doctor suggested I pray for a miracle.  So I did.

In December of 2006, around Christmas, two things happened:  a) I got the stomach flu and b) we were snowed in by a terrible blizzard.  At first I didn't go to the doctor for the stomach flu.  By the time it was apparent I needed treatment, no one could go anywhere.  I had to go cold turkey off two of my meds, as I was unable to take them.  I would sleep for 7-8 hours, wake up for 1-2, go back to bed, sleep 7-8 hours, and so forth for a week.

By the time I got over the flu, I felt much better in so many ways.  It was now obvious to everybody I was being mismanaged.

In March of this year, after being given a medicine that made me violently ill for two solid weeks (which I took myself off of, since the doctor wouldn't!), I changed doctors.  As a result:

• I've lost about 100 pounds now.  I had gone up to OVER 300 because of weight-gain drugs which I was on practically toxic amounts of.
• They hauled off the oxygen equipment in April, at which time I turned in my PERMANENT handicapped parking tags.
• Almost all the horrible side-effects from taking the medicine are gone -- one is permanent.
• I got my mind and personality back.  I have a genius level IQ -- on the drugs, I was about average intelligence, no more.  My mind was constantly fogged.  There is very little worse than KNOWING you were once smart and now you're "stupid."  It's a really terrible feeling.  I needed calculators to do tips at that point in time.

Since I have a genuine, chronic, incurable illness, and since medication changes usually DON'T have dramatic results like this, even my doctor has no good explanation for what happened to me.

So...I got my miracle.  Even my friends who have no belief in or love for God are using that word to describe what's happened to me.

Now here's why I'm writing.

What did I do after I got this stupendous miracle from God?

Thanked Him profusely.  And stopped going to church.

I'm not sure WHY I can't bring myself to go to church.  I'm pretty clear on the fact that my beef isn't with God.  Yet I don't talk to Him too much anymore either.

It's clear to me, at least, that some of the answers to that question lie in my murky past -- here.

[Margaret]

Hi Amy,

This is an amazing story. One thing that comes to mind is that I've seen several times that when God has preserved someone's life in extreme circumstances, there arises a huge sense of obligation that is really difficult to deal with. The person feels that their life is no longer their own and they "owe" God. This is too great a burden to bear and can have the effect of making it difficult to turn to God. I think it is a mistaken response. God does these things for people for many possible reasons, and not only for their own benefit. To promote a life of gratitude, for sure. But maybe to strengthen someone's faith by the answer to prayer; as a testimony to others of His greatness and compassion; because the person's normal activities are important to the Kingdom; sometimes as a wake up call to the person, and on and on. But never to put crush them with an overwhelming debt. We already owe Him our lives as our creator and our saviour!

Also, don't forget you still have the indwelling Spirit. If you're asking Him to show you what the problem is, he will.   

Blessings in Jesus,
Margaret

[amycahill]

Hi Amy,

This is an amazing story. One thing that comes to mind is that I've seen several times that when God has preserved someone's life in extreme circumstances, there arises a huge sense of obligation that is really difficult to deal with. The person feels that their life is no longer their own and they "owe" God. This is too great a burden to bear and can have the effect of making it difficult to turn to God. I think it is a mistaken response. God does these things for people for many possible reasons, and not only for their own benefit. To promote a life of gratitude, for sure. But maybe to strengthen someone's faith by the answer to prayer; as a testimony to others of His greatness and compassion; because the person's normal activities are important to the Kingdom; sometimes as a wake up call to the person, and on and on. But never to put crush them with an overwhelming debt. We already owe Him our lives as our creator and our saviour!

Also, don't forget you still have the indwelling Spirit. If you're asking Him to show you what the problem is, he will.   

Blessings in Jesus,
Margaret

Margaret, I read this and I really think you've hit it spot on.

You see, I find myself in a rather unique position.  When people make stories like this up, you get the happy ending, the Hollywood fade-out, and the audience goes home with a nice feeling.  When this happens in real life, your life goes on AFTER the miracle, 'cause you're a real person, not a movie.  Since miracle recipients are relatively rare, it's been difficult to know WHO to talk to about what that's like.  Certainly no one in my immediate circle can help with that, although they've been willing to listen.

I'm thinking, after reading what you wrote, that what I've been struggling with is just what you said: basically feeling that God OWNS me way more than He ever did before, and since my concept of God is still somewhat warped (and we all know why) I think I've run away from Him rather than try to find out what He wants in return.  Because, you know, God must want to enslave me for the rest of my life, and after this, I probably owe Him that, at least.  And sorry, I don't want to be anybody's slave, not even God's, so I ran.  The possibility that perhaps God did this simply because He loves me and I asked is pretty hard to bend my mind around.  Because it COULD be that simple, and is very much in keeping with the God I came to know.

As you said, God ALREADY owns me.  The fact that maybe He did this simply out of love is rather overwhelming.  Do I think I have a purpose?  Oh, that was already very obvious to me.  Also, God had proved to me He was going to chase after me down any rabbit hole I dived down to escape Him and bring me back.  Sure, God has a purpose for me, but He had made it clear to me that He would be the one fulfilling that purpose IN me, NOT me doing that, 'cause I can't.

I knew I was running; I didn't know why.  And I didn't know who to talk to.

Thank you -- you've been a HUGE help!!!

[Margaret]

Amy, believe that He loves you that much, and it will go a long way toward healing the Assembly warpness.

Grace and peace from God be yours in fullest measure.

Margaret