Susan McCarthy
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« on: January 30, 2003, 01:10:20 am » |
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As I read the accounts of Judy and Rachel's abuse, I became sick to my stomach, as I have witnessed and experienced first-hand the demeaning treatment of women in the assembly.
I feel that God's Spirit is telling me to tell my story- not to be dramatic, not to shame the memory of my beloved husband Tom (who died in a plane crash in 1990) or to gather sympathy. The truth needs to be told so that marriages and families may be spared the trauma of living in an abusive cycle, and those that have been broken (spiritually, emotionally, socially, and physically) can receive healing for their wounds. Some are so sick and deceived, they may not even realize yet that they are the walking wounded!! We need to pray.....
My husband Tom was good friends with David Geftakys because they shared a love of surfing and fixing up old cars. David always made a point to spend time with Tom when he and Judy visited Santa Barbara. Tom often went to David for counsel on family matters. Once Tom and David tracked sand into the house from the ocean where they had been surfing all morning. I made a mild comment about having to get a broom again. David said, "You are lucky to even have a husband to sweep up after." In one way these words were prophetic, for Tom passed away 6 months after we left fellowship and I truly did repent of any complaints I had made about serving my husband prior. But I was bothered by the severity of David's comments.
I do believe that Betty is in competition with most women for the brothers' admiration and despises the sisters, using them to fix her juices and do her housework. I never heard her say a kind word about any of the Santa Barbara wives, especially those who were allowed to work or had aspirations to go back to school. In fact, when Tom died, Betty told Melany Miners that it was a positive change for me because I always wanted to be a career woman anyways.
There were rumors after Tom died that God took him because we left fellowship and the "protection of the camp."
Tom and I had quietly left fellowship in 1989 after he was counseled to quit his job and he disagreed with the brethren. Tom never spoke poorly of the brethren in public but refused to meet with them to discuss his situation. He knew it would be pointless and cause more damage. In retrospect, I am so thankful to Tom for the way he handled this, as so many others have suffered condemnation and ex-communication for disagreeing with the leading brothers of the assembly.
The fun-loving, compassionate and ethical man I married learned how to be abusive and controlling from the attitudes and behavior propogated by the Geftakys family, especially Betty and David.
Because there was no sound teaching on healthy marriages in the assembly, but only examples of control, stern looks, public humiliation, and severe consequences, Tom got the idea that is was okay to hit his wife, too, and "she" deserved it for holding a different opinion than him or for "disobeying."
The abuse started with punching a hole in the closet, slamming doors, barring entrance to the home, threatening to take away the children - and hitting inanimate objects- all the while hurling accusations and character assassinations at me when he was frustrated or angry. At first I did not know what to do and sincerely questioned my own motives, words, and behaviors. I was afraid and learned over time to keep my opinions, for the most part, to myself.
When I did not respond to the furniture flying, but cowered in the corner, Tom began to get his point across with slaps to my face, pulling my hair, shoving me on the bed, demanding sex even when I was throwing up, and controlling every decision I made, down to what I could order in restaurants or buy at a store. The abuse escalated when I returned home from my parents' home in the Bay Area, and I had trimmed my long hair without getting his permission first.
Tom yanked my wedding ring off of my finger, and said I was not worthy to be called his wife for my rebellious act. He threatened to throw my ring down the toilet and slapped me hard across the face as I cried. With this, I waited until he went to work, gathered my 3 babies and loaded up the car with our clothes and essential belongings. We drove up to San Luis Obispo and stayed in a hotel overnight. I did not contact David Geftakys while in town because I already knew what his response would be.
My parents called Tom in Santa Barbara that evening and pleaded with him to work out our marital problems without violence. I was 5' 7" and 108 pounds- emaciated, exhausted and scared. Tom coaxed me into coming home and for awhile this incident was put behind us. I told Tom I wanted to talk to the brothers about our marital problems and he forbid me to do so. He said he would kick me out of the house if I breathed a word of the abuse. I obeyed him.
A month or two later Tom and I were at a Goleta Beach outreach for the 4th of July and it was very hot. Everyone was in short-sleeved tops and shorts except for me. I was wearing pants and a long-sleeved top. Why? Because Tom had repeatedly socked my upper arm that morning and I had black and blue bruises all over one side of my body. I debated whether or not to show another married sister, but decided against it. After all, the few conversations I had with them about my concerns on the controlling and abusive behavior of the men was met with denial and admonitions such as, "Well, you shouldn't talk back. Pride goeth before a fall. You always were too independent. In what ways have you displeased Tom? etc."
I never told anyone about this but just brought it to the Lord, asking for his forgiveness for anything I might have done to incite Tom's anger. I was lonely, depressed, and frightened. Most of all, sick with guilt and fear inside that I could never be a good enough person to gain his favor.
The last straw was when we were living in a brothers' house and Tom pushed me violently onto the bed, (and it was unprovoked behavior). It was a Saturday night and the house was quiet because everyone was preparing for Sunday worship. I knew George and Betty were staying over at Wes and Becky Cohen's home, so I called over there in desperation while Tom was out of our bedroom. I reported the abusive behavior to her, and Betty's reply was, "Well, what did you do to make him so mad? Then she quoted Proverbs 18:17 to me that says, "The first to plead his case seems just, until another comes and examines him." She told me to get down on my hands and knees and apologize to Tom for my lack of submission. I was devastated by this counsel.
As a couple we disagreed with many of the legalistic practices of the assembly, which caused Tom and I to move out of this brother's home and live by ourselves. We began attending another local Baptist church on altering Sundays. Over the course of a few months, Tom and I sought marital counseling as we were now making friends with healthy couples and families. The last time Tom tried to strike me I threatened to call the police, the brethren, his boss, and everyone under the sun. The physical abuse stopped then, but the scars remained.
am thankful to say that the last year of his life and our marriage was the happiest - we began to heal from the negative teaching and behavior of the brethren, and I have long since forgiven my husband for his violent acts. I know that he loved me but was misguided in his attempt to have a perfect assembly family.
But now I say to the men who have cruelly and egotistically controlled their wives and the vulnerable single sisters in fellowship- shame on you! The Lord Jesus never treated women this way. He honored and cherished them. Dogs have been treated better than assembly wives.
(Note: I have spent the last 7 years of my career as a vice president of human resources and haven't seen near the abuse and shameful behavior from "worldly" men and women as I have from supposed holy and devout men in the assembly.)
And to you women who have turned your hearts, ears, and eyes from the pain of your sisters in fellowship- shame on you! Our bruises, pulled hair, nightmares and bloody faces might as well have been inflicted by you! How dare you cover your own insecurity by judging us as being less godly and submissive than yourselves.
Oh, may God bring miraculous healing as we open our hearts to admit wrongdoing, seek forgiveness, change our wicked opinions and ways, and love one another as Christ our Husband loves His Bride.
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