Melany
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« on: February 01, 2003, 01:00:49 am » |
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First, it is SO good to reconnect with all of you who I have missed these last 7 years. I love reading all of your stories, it validates my leaving the Santa Barbara assembly back in May 1996, not that I need more validation than the reasons I had at the time I left, though!! I don't know how to be brief about it, as there are so many reasons why I left.
Maybe I should have gotten a clue the first time I ever had the *privilege* to meet with Betty, when she opened the word up with me and turned to Eccl 7:26: "I again saw more bitter than death the woman whose heart is nets and snares and whose hands are chains. One who is pleasing to God will escape from her, but the sinner will be enticed by her." I guess she was putting me in my place right from the beginning, and I learned my place well, and stayed in it for 11 years (I do take responsibility for choosing to stay that long, there were good things there that justified my staying and made it hard to leave.)
In the last 4 or 5 years of my involvement, I began to attend Workers Meetings. I had expected much joy and light in those meetings, but became more and more concerned about what happened in those meetings. I questioned some of these things and was told: "Just keep walking with the Lord, sister, the Lord will give you understanding." I heard the fatigue and discouragement among the workers and this concerned me. I remember at a Worker's Conference talking to Scott Testa and expressing my dismay at the lack of connection I often felt there. He agreed and just said we were privileged to be there and it was the way of the cross. I had always loved to share Christ with others, but I began to get uncomfortable on outreach, going witnessing with some brothers who just seemed to be "hitting people over the head with the Bible" and not showing a care for the people we were talking to. The wonderful women I discipled got offended quickly with the treatment they witnessed there and only one ever came into fellowship - what kind of fruit was that? I felt like I had to protect them from the things we taught! I began to wonder why I was still there since I didn't feel comfortable inviting others out.
I also felt like I was getting "swatted" alot, yet on my job, I was getting promoted and recognized for my abilities and strengths. When I was promoted to management, Scott told me that since I was a sister and supposed to be in submission that I probably shouldn't take this job as I would be "giving direction" and might begin to despise the direction of the brethren, but I felt that it would give me more appreciation of the brothers and their "role".
I moved out on my own my last six months in fellowship with a heart to serve in a greater capacity and increase my contribution, first with the agreement of the brothers, and then all of a sudden the LBs met with me and told me that they thought I was wanting to be on my own because I was struggling and not having a good attitude.
Others began to suggest I was going to leave fellowship, but the thought had never occurred to me and I was shocked that they had so little trust. I honestly thought my attitude was just fine, having recently regained my health (so many women seem to contract debilitating conditions in fellowship, hm). My health had broken and I was told this was spiritual, but to me it just seemed unhealthy, and yet I was told once I got better that it would be better to lose my health again than miss a meeting against the brothers' direction (paraphrased, but I accurately remember this being told to me by DG). I became aware of how many of the saints kept talking about how they felt that they were "terrible sinners (failure and messes) constantly in need of God's grace, and it didn't sound like they were walking in liberty (of course we all need God's grace, but the constant groveling seemed like they never quite felt the freedom they were searching for). I was told, too, that the only people who love you are in fellowship because it is a spiritual love the people of the world don'respect and kindness from those of "the world". There were times I felt led by the Lord to do something and then was made to feel guilty about it, even helping a friend who thought she was dying during what happened to be a Sunday meeting, or helping coach the delivery of a child that happened to start labor during a prayer meeting.
One Sunday in May 1996, I heard a voice tell me that that would be my last Sunday. I accepted it, feeling covered with grace and peace, and after I told Wes a few days later that I was leaving fellowship, I felt free like I'd been released from a prison - it was exquisite. Wes told me he was praying for my repentance, but when I asked him what my sin was, he quoted Fenelon, not the Bible. I knew he was just a channel for George. At our last meeting together, there was no gratitude for years of faithful service, just an emotional spanking. Good riddance. That night I asked God, "Now what do You want me to do?" He answered so clearly, "What do YOU want to do?" I burst into tears, I don't remember being asked that before. -Melany Miners
PS: My own faith has grown since leaving GG's ministry and the evidence of God's clear leading and protection has been undeniable and liberating. How can we miss out on His "umbrella of protection" when he has called us His own. Trust Him, walk in faith and listen to that still small voice in your heart. I'd love to hear from anyone who knows what I'm talking about, feel free to write.
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