[Part two of three]
Let's start with blame. I'll talk about gossip next
week. [If you want to read this, go to:
http://www.drzimmerman.com/default.htm to request it. al H.]
I remember one woman who wrote for advice. In her e-mail
she complained about her husband. She even listed all of
his faults. Then she said, "I really told him off the
other day. He'll treat me better or else!"
As her letter went on, it was quite obvious she was
very angry. Her tone was one of blame-blame-blame,
what was wrong with her husband, and how he had caused
all of her problems. Surprisingly, she finished her
letter by asking how she could have a better relationship
with her husband.
I told her that indeed her husband sounded like a very
difficult person. However, her blame would never
improve their situation. It never does.
In fact blame is at the center of many male-female
conflicts. Rather than work at understanding one another,
people of the opposite sex often blame each
other when there is a problem.
That came out in one college professor's classroom.
On the blackboard he wrote, "Woman without her man is
a savage." He instructed his students to punctuate the
sentence correctly.
The males wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The females wrote: Woman! Without her, man is a savage."
Blame doesn't work because it bankrupts the other person.
Psychotherapist Jonathon Robinson talks about that in
his book, "Communication Miracles for Couples." He talks
about the "self-esteem bank account."
By way of explanation, Robinson says the average person
should have $10 in his self-esteem bank account. When
his account is empty, bad things happen. After all, no
one can stand to be bankrupt for very long.
Quite often, the bankrupt person gets violent. He
tries to "take" some self-esteem "dollars" from someone
else by blaming the other person for his problems. And
in some dysfunctional way, the blame makes him feel a
bit better.
Unfortunately, blame makes the other person feel
attacked, who then proceeds to blame and insult in
self-defense. He says something like, "You think I'm
selfish? You should look in the mirror."
[to be continued...]
