Re-Establishing Boundaries

[freebird]

Despite the growing number of threads here, I want to start yet another.  I call this one “Re-Establishing Boundaries”.  

Why start this thread?

Well, after I had been “gone” for about a year and a half, I was asked to lead a video series in the Wheaton Free Church.  This series was called “Changes that Heal” and was authored by Dr. Henry Cloud.  Dr. Cloud is most known for his book called “Boundaries”.  In the video series, Dr. Cloud discussed the need for healthy boundaries.  I discovered that I had little concept of “healthy boundaries” from my upbringing, and I discovered that the Assembly exploited this in my life.  The only folks in the Assembly that had any boundaries were the leaders and those who were tagged as “unwilling”.  Those “unwilling” mind-of-their-own type were much healthier in body, soul, and spirit, than members like myself, who were Johnny-on-the-spot drones (that had little to none boundaries).  Leaders had a different type boundary problem.  They seemed to have their own, but then “crossed over” into other’s boundaries.  They did not respect other’s property lines!

What are boundaries?:

Boundary (definition): property line; what I own; what I am responsible for.  Differentiates between what I am responsible for and what others are responsible for.

**I am the only person I can control!  I can’t control other others (though some try), and I shouldn’t allow others to control me (although many of us have).  But what about love?  Don’t we owe a debt of love to one another?  Yes we are responsible to LOVE others, but not responsible FOR others.  Actually, real love is from a determination from the heart and not from being “forced” to love, or feeling like we “have” to love.  

By the way, Jesus had boundaries.  For instance, in Luke 4:42-44, the crowd wanted Him to stay with them, but He had a mission and moved on despite their request.  There are many other examples of this type of thing.  

In the Assembly the lines were blurred between what God wanted and what the leadership wanted.  If we didn’t go along with leadership, then we were labeled as unwilling, stubborn, etc.  And we were told to trust the leaders and to obey them.  The boundaries were over-run.  I could no longer make simple decisions and choices for myself!  That was an unhealthy situation.

I think this discussion can be a great help to all!  What are some examples that you all have experienced?  Have any of you read Dr. Cloud’s works or have you just thought of this subject on your own?  Or maybe you were unaware of these concepts and see that you have had your boundaries broken down.  I believe that many of us need to re-establish our boundaries and become healthier Christians.  




 

[Kay]

One way to maintain healthy bounderies in any situation is to always ask 'what does the Lord want in this situation.' Not what the lodge wants or expects, or what I think the Lodge exects.  I suppose  making the decision for yourself about what the Lord wants me to do with my time  is viewed as unwilling in the Lodge or carnal, or any # of other stuff. Still if The Lord is Lord of the  Lodge, The Lord will continue the spiritual effort w/o forcing ppl. manipulating them or guilting them into participation.I've never seen anything else than those methods to get ppl to attend.

[editor]

Garth,

2 Things:

• You will never make full overcomer unless you have revelation on how the board works
• If you do make full overcomer, you must guard against pride, because there is no guarantee that you will continue.  Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Most likely, you will do what so many ignorant board users do, and overcome one day and then fail the next, like some cyber-roller coaster ride.  They just don't know the secret!  These things don't come by merely reading the registration agreement, but only by much time, posting in secret.  Really, most people who use the board are in a terrible state, they need teaching and gifted ministry, otherwise, the testimony will never be built.

If you only had the capacity to see these things!

The best thing for you to do is follow along, and imitate the one person here who claims overcomer status, if and when that occurs.  

editor

[trockman]

Hi Garth:

I hope everyone keeps your post, and the hundreds of similiar stories it represents, in the forefront of their minds over the next few days.

Here is Irony:

You leave for 2 days and when you come back you must publicly repent and re-commit.

David G beats his wife and abuses God's people, with George, Betty and a host of servants complicit in covering his sin, yet they don't need to do anything!

Of course, they probably will read a letter or something in the near future, which will solve everything and erase all the harm done. (Judy, and everyone else who has been hurt won't get the letter, or be invited to the speech) and then GG can go to China!

Isn't it ironic how what seems to most people to be the worst sort of double standard is viewed as repentace in the Lodge?

The violent oppresor is not nearly as bad as the person who points out the sin and attempts to bring justice.

EVERYONE OUT THERE!  BEWARE THE SHAM!  LISTEN WITH BOTH EARS! 3 DECADES OF DECEPTION CANNOT BE ERASED IN ONE DAY.

Before everyone jumps up and shouts halleujah! they have repented! Shouldn't we ask the ones that were violated and abused what sort of apology they are getting?

Repentace is not for show, in order to keep the sheep in the pen, it is to restore fellowship and right a wrong.

Brent

[Kay]

Hi Garth,
It used to irritate me when a Lodge person would call or ask me to do something and it always started with 'If you're  willing' that was manipulation. So before they got to what they wanted I'd respond, I'm absolutely willing for what the Lord wants...but what do you want? I'll consider if I can do it. OK I admit ppl started to take a few steps away from me. Plus I stopped attending EVERYTH :PING and of course then no one gives you the time of day and start to ignore you. Also there was one person who when I did attend would always point out that I hadn't been there and where have I been? Finally I got sick of it    and said, 'I've been doing what the Lord wants, How about you?'  
I think Lodge ppl have forgotten what it feels like to do stuff because you want to and not because It's expected or you're guilted into it or you have to. I have seen Lodge ppl get mad at having to do something and instead of just saying NO, they drag everyone else they can (by manipulation) with them to do it. (Because to say No is rebelling right?) No it's not.
The BIGGER Picture here is that the children learn this behaviour because the parents call this spiritual and godly. The children's minds are hurt

[Terry L Huffman]

Kay and Garth are right.

Some in the assembly -esp. LB's and workers-became very adept at getting a "commitment" from ano saint when they wanted something. Their requestwas always framed in such a way that if you answered N it was  as if you weren't walking with the Lord. An LB asked me for help to move some furniture w/o giving any details as to when and so on. Sure, I replied. The next day or so I was just leaving the house w/ laundry in hand and he asked again wanting to do it right then. I told him that I cd.n't do it right now, but that I cd. later when I returned. He didn't say much. The next time he preached the topic was those who say that they will do whatever the Lord wants, but bec. of inconvenience, etc., don't follow through. He gave examples, such as moving furniture(surprise!) while I am sitting there with him and his brow-beaten wife both looking at me. One cd. come up with a million examples, and some of them aren't just ridiculous but very injurious to people's psyche and bodily health.
Also, we had a horrible habit of calling those who left "dead wood." Sounds like a variation on the NE hireling's "theology" doesn't it?

[Terry L Huffman]

Garth Xander:
Your posts are my favorite. We have a similar humor(yours is better) .
    Anyway, the words "we missed you..." were followed up with "the saints are rejoicing." I think LB's were taught to say this to peons like myself to impress upon us the idea that we really missed something. If irony was baloney some of these LB's wd. be delicatessans!

[Mia Voss]

Brent:  your posting was great!  Although it's a month later, the timing (for me) couldn't be more perfect.  I'm familiar with Dr. Cloud & have read "Boundaries".   After perusing this website for the last week, I'm ready for a 2nd read.............. I just didn't realize until I saw your posting.


Thanks again,

Mia (a former Champaign Assembly member)

[Mia Voss]

Oops, I meant to say "Garth"!    
 

[freebird]

Thanks Mia,

That book is not a "fix all" but it could sure help alot of people, especially those that have been involved in unhealthy relationships.

Take care and God bless,

Garth