Laughter..the best medicine

[Recovering Saint]

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person.  Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a..........




(wait for it...)




(you aren't ready yet, scan down just a bit more...)




(Promise not to get mad at me for this one....)




"Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

[Scott McCumber]

Oldie but goody:

Frog goes in to the bank to apply for a line of credit. He sits at the desk of Personal Banker Patricia Wack. She’s a little taken aback by a frog at her desk but she gamely processes his request.

“Do you have any collateral, Mr. Frog?”

The frog produces a strangely shaped statuette and sets it down gently, beaming.

The banker carries the statuette to her boss and explains what is going on.

“I’d like to help him but this is all he has for collateral. I don’t even know what it is,” she says.

Her boss peers over his spectacles, turning the statue around in his fingers.

Satisfied, he turns to her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan!”

[Recovering Saint]

Here is some Canadian humour

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone!!

“No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there!! I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.

[al Hartman]

Here is some Canadian humour

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone!!

“No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there!! I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.

     How utterly deceitful you Cannucks can be!  ...and how delightfully clever!  
     Happy Boxing Day!!!

 ;)al

[jesusfreak]

My parents told me I had to show up at Christmas upon threat of the withholding of birthday presents  

talk about motivation to drive 3 hours  
--
lucas

[Recovering Saint]

What did one antelope say to the other antelope?

"Happy Gnu Year"

[retread]

What did one antelope say to the other antelope?

"Happy Gnu Year"

I Gnu that one, but why did the ant-elope in the first place? Nobody gnu, but I think it was with the deer.  You know, from the "Deer and the Ant-Elope" play.

[Recovering Saint]

I Gnu that one, but why did the ant-elope in the first place? Nobody gnu, but I think it was with the deer.  You know, from the "Deer and the Ant-Elope" play.

Retread Again

I wonder if their offspring was"dear".

Ta dump dump. [rim shot on the snare drum]

And now for today's funny.

Steve - Are you still working at the bank?

George - No, I got fired for pushing a customer.

Steve - Why did you do that?

George - He asked me to check his balance.

[Recovering Saint]

OK everybody here are a few more laughs.

Moe: I feel crummy this morning.

Joe: Why's that?

Moe: I ate crackers in bed last night.

OK hold the stones what about this one.

Boss: Before I hire you to be my secretary, I need to know your punctuation skills.

Marlena: Oh don't worry! I'm always on time!

See you next time. Abee Abee Abee that's all fokes.

[summer007]

I just thought of something ..its funny to me now ..but at the time I was a little freaked out...I was "sick " one morning probibly sunday...And I just happened to be singing in the shower ...the LB informed me that I could'nt possibly be sick /or that sick if I was singing in the shower...WHAT??? Dont think I ever sang in the shower again  under that roof.... Busted!!!!

[editor]

I just thought of something ..its funny to me now ..but at the time I was a little freaked out...I was "sick " one morning probibly sunday...And I just happened to be singing in the shower ...the LB informed me that I could'nt possibly be sick /or that sick if I was singing in the shower...WHAT??? Dont think I ever sang in the shower again  under that roof.... Busted!!!!

Remember the days when we used to all drink out the same wine glass....even at seminars?  

That took some serious faith!  You knew that there were people there who were really, really sick, and they used a special "sick cup," but then how many were about to be sick and spread their germs, moustache hairs, etc?   DISGUSTING!

I rejoiced when we went to dixie cups.

When I started getting sick alot, towards the last few years of my involvement,  the LB's knew that I was faking it,  (or at least they strongly suspected) and asked if I had visited a doctor.  When I said "no," they admonished me that if I was this sick all the time, I should see a doctor.  Betty gave me the OK to go on Gerson, but I wanted no part of that....so I just stalled.

Later on I gained the courage to leave for good reasons and my health picked up instantly, as many have testified is the case in their own lives.  

I wonder how things would have gone differently if a few of us had the courage to say to the head steward/LB,  "I don't feel like going to the afternoon meeting today.  I'm going to watch football."

LB's response: "How can you say that!  Is football more important than God?"

"Certainly not!  But today, football is more important to me than going to hear you speak for an hour.  I'm not going."

LB in coded language:  you'll pay for this!

"Sure, do whatever you want.  If you want me to leave or move out, just ask me.  I just want to watch a football game today.  I'll leave it up to you how I should be punished."

Oh how I wish I could travel back in time!  Wouldn't it be fun?  "Excuse me Brother George,  I know I'm not the only one here who has no idea what you are talking about.  Is the next lecture going to be any clearer, or should we just go home early?  Let's not pretend anymore, we came here to be encouraged."

Brent

[summer007]

I was the head stweard....early on in my involvement when it was all so innocent...I just casually said I was going to the beach after the morning meeting...I did'nt think twice about it...well you know what happened...I was informed I was falling away...all I wanted to do is work on my tan...This same LB came home once and I was laying out in a lounge chair in the backyard in my Bathing suit of all things ..he and his wife absolutly flipped ..and warned me how I could of "stumbled "him and to give them warning if I ever did it again...Oh Brother...and it was the most conservitive bathing suit I'd ever worn...My favorite is did you ever try to just LOOK at George in a Seminar..when he said ,"Its in the Book, not on my face"..I remember that ...and then furiously taking notes as soon as he stared back at me...

[editor]

I was the head stweard....early on in my involvement when it was all so innocent...I just casually said I was going to the beach after the morning meeting...I did'nt think twice about it...well you know what happened...I was informed I was falling away...all I wanted to do is work on my tan...This same LB came home once and I was laying out in a lounge chair in the backyard in my Bathing suit of all things ..he and his wife absolutly flipped ..and warned me how I could of "stumbled "him and to give them warning if I ever did it again...Oh Brother...and it was the most conservitive bathing suit I'd ever worn...My favorite is did you ever try to just LOOK at George in a Seminar..when he said ,"Its in the Book, not on my face"..I remember that ...and then furiously taking notes as soon as he stared back at me...

Yep, me too.

Thank God I was never asked to lead the singing!  

The only thing I miss about seminars was going to Coco's with my friends.  Of course, I can still do that, without the lectures.

Brent

[summer007]

Forgot the cup part...I was very concerned...I know this is'nt FUNNY now ..But I worked in surgery for years and alot of times we double gloved and masked with a certain part of the populous...even used strong chemical solutions to kill certain diseases....and then double sterilized them...in an autoclave ....it again is astounding  the hold the assm had..its a wonder some of us made it out alive...

[al Hartman]

The only thing I miss about seminars was going to Coco's with my friends.  Of course, I can still do that, without the lectures.

Brent

     Yeah, Brent, but it ain't the same without the numbing fatigue!

 ;)al