Laughter..the best medicine

[al Hartman]

Here's a fun game for those who like baseball and penguins:

http://home.kabelfoon.nl/~hopha/penguin.swf

     ...shouldn't that be "those who like baseball and hate penguins???

[al Hartman]

     A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, "The first little pig went up to a man and asked, 'Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'"

     The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, "What do you think the man said?"

     One boy raised his hand and said, "I think maybe the man said something like, 'Holy Cow! A talking pig!'"

               
      and all you midwest, east coast & far north parents should appreciate this one:


     The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten
students put his boots on.  He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

     She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

     She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

     She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

     Smiling sweetly, he replied, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

[Joe Sperling]

Al---

That potato sack workout is a godsend. I've started out a bit slower--every other day, but I'm already starting to see the results. Thanks!!

--Joe

[Mark Kisla]

Playing with the names of States;

What did Missi  sippi ?
A  Minni  soda.

What did  Dele wear ?
A New Jersy.

What did Tenni see ?
The same thing U tah.

What's the prettiest state in the U.S ?
A'l aska later.

[al Hartman]

     A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

     The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."

     "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.

     "Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"

     "Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."

     The man below says, "You must work in management."

     "I do," replies the balloonist, "how could you tell?"

     "It's obvious," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're still in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"

[al Hartman]

This just in...

February 13, 2004
Fossil Footprints Prove Bush Served in Alabama

(2004-02-13) -- Archeologists working on a dig near Dannelly Air National Guard Base have uncovered a fossilized set of footprints which reportedly support President George W. Bush's contention that he served his Guard duty in Alabama more than three decades ago.

Radiocarbon dating, and analysis of the geological stratum in which the fossils were found establish that the prints were made during the Vietnam era.

"The angle and depth of the boot impressions match the gait and known weight of the young Mr. Bush at that time," said an unnamed archeologist. "It was quite exciting at the dig site -- like finding the proverbial missing link."

Together with previously discovered dental records and ancient documents, this latest evidence helps complete a picture that confirms what the President has said all along.

Forensic specialists will now comb the sedimentary layers where the footprints were unearthed hoping to recover bits of fossilized hair, saliva or sloughed-off skin cells to subject to DNA analysis which would finally prove his Guard service conclusively.

[al Hartman]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.  At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

===============================================

And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.

[al Hartman]

   ...speaking of Yankees & Southerners, here's a fun quiz for you:

http://www.chuckchamblee.com/dom/fun/yankee_dixie_quiz.htm

     (it's legitimate-- check it out, it might surprise you.)

[Recovering Saint]

This is a lawyer story

A Charlotte, N.C. lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire (among other things).  Within a  month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and not yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “ in a series of small fires. “  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.  The lawyer sued....and won!  In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. However, the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and had guaranteed that it would indeed insure them against fire, without defining what is considered “ unacceptable fire “- and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his incendiary bamboozle.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.............

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

I am not certain of the source or accuracy but it is funny nonetheless.

Cheers
Hugh

[d3z]

This is a true story

Actually, it isn't true:

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

[Recovering Saint]

This is a true story

Actually, it isn't true:

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

Well I guess I need to test my sources better.

Thanks

I sit corrected.


Hugh

[Recovering Saint]

   ...speaking of Yankees & Southerners, here's a fun quiz for you:

http://www.chuckchamblee.com/dom/fun/yankee_dixie_quiz.htm

     (it's legitimate-- check it out, it might surprise you.)

Here is my score 60% (Dixie). Barely into the Dixie category.

 :oHugh

[Scott McCumber]

   ...speaking of Yankees & Southerners, here's a fun quiz for you:

http://www.chuckchamblee.com/dom/fun/yankee_dixie_quiz.htm

     (it's legitimate-- check it out, it might surprise you.)

I'm 48% - Yankee. I got a lot of Great Lakes/Midwestern expressions.

S

[Recovering Saint]

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

Hugh  

[al Hartman]

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

Hugh  

     Thanks, Hugh.   I used to be that pessimist!!!

  :Dal