Laughter..the best medicine

[Scott McCumber]

They should call Chicago the city of sticky fingers! Do you see the way they set up out of town drivers with those bogus parking tickets? They are a lot like the Swiss!  Hey Nancy News, what's up wiht that?!

Hi, Verne,

I think I just beat that one. Just got in from Atlanta. The Embassy Suites took my Visa debit as security when I checked in. Charged $150 (normal, of course, they usually reverse it when you check out). Charged it again for $194 for the room. Charged the first card I gave them for $194 (they told me it was declined - didn't understand that but what can you do - it was NOT declined per my credit card company). Didn't reverse the original $150.

Here's the kicker. My state manager paid for my room on his Amex card. I have the receipt in front of me.

That's $538 from me and $194 from my manager. That's a pretty expensive room for one night!

Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow morning when the accountant and manager arrive at the hotel. Chewing someone's assets!

S

[Nancy Newswander]

The sticky fingers are from all the Crispy Creme donuts that we eat and the tickets are just to make outsiders feel at home. I would think that as a Midwesterner you would know genuine hospitality when you see it!

Moonflower - I knew you'd come through for me!!  I'm not very good at witty quips.

Thanks for your entreaty...and please pray for me...

And yes, Verne, I do pray for you.  I am so very aware, these days, that for any offense that I have received, I've dished out many more.  We all need much mercy!!

[tkarey]

I received this in my email today.  I'm not very good at cutting and pasting (although quite good at decoupage ) so it looks somewhat messy.  

Enjoy, Karey


CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE RELIGIOUS WAY
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
> > >
> > >
> > > Charismatic : Only 1
> > > Hands are already in the air.
> > >
> > > Pentecostal : 10
> > > One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
> >darkness.
> > >
> > >
> > > Presbyterians : None
> > > Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
> > >
> > > Roman Catholic : None
> > > Candles only.
> > >
> > >
> > > Baptists : At least 15.
> > > One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the
> >change
> >and decide who brings the
> > > potato salad and fried chicken .
> > >
> > > Episcopalians: 3
> > > One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
> >about
> >how much better the old one was.
> > >
> > >
> > > Mormons : 5
> > > One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
> > >
> > > Unitarians :
> > > We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the
> >need
> >for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
> >light
> >bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
> >dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we
> >will
> >explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
> >fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid
> >paths to luminescence.
> > >
> > >
> > > Methodists : Undetermined
> > > Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
> >You
> >can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your
> >choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
> > >
> > > Nazarene : 6
> > > One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
> >policy.
> > >
> > >
> > > Lutherans: None
> > > Lutherans don't believe in change.
> > >
> > > Amish :
> > > What's a light bulb?

[al Hartman]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight of the road, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," counted one of the boys. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

Excitedly, he jumped back on his bike and rode off in the direction of town.  Just around the bend he met an old man hobbling slowly along with the help of a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Can't you see it's hard for me to walk, son?  I can't be chasing off for your games." But the boy was insistent, and eventually persuaded the old gent to follow him to the cemetery entrance.

Standing just outside the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Maybe if we're quiet and try real hard we'll be able to see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were able to see only grass, trees and tombstones. The two gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they looked beyond it, straining to get a glimpse of the Lord.

Finally they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now as soon as we go get those nuts by the fence we'll be done."

Word has it that the old man with his cane made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[Scott McCumber]

www.subservientchicken.com



S

[al Hartman]

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local American Civil Liberties Union about the discrimination inflicted being upon atheists by the constant celebrations enjoyed by Christians and Jews on their various holidays while the atheists were afforded no such illustrative occasions.

The ACLU, of course, jumped at the opportunity to once again take up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to represent the plaintiff. The case was brought before a senior judge who had served with distinction for many terms.  After listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, the judge promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling exclaiming, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Obviously Christians have Christmas, Easter and numerous other observances, and the Jews, in
addition to Passover, have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah . . . My client and his fellow atheists have no such a day set apart to recognize their traditions."

The judge leaned forward in his chair and gently but firmly stated, "Obviously you and your client are unaware of, or deliberately ignoring the long-established annual observance devoted to honoring the highest standards of atheism."

The ACLU lawyer's face showed momentary amazement, but he recovered quickly, pompously declaring, "We are aware of no such event, Your Honor.  Just when might this holiday for atheists be?"

The judge said, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date - April 1st!"


The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
- Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1

[al Hartman]

The US Navy today announced that it has released Saddam Hussein after questioning him extensively while he was held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, $750,000 was returned to Saddam and he was given a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.  This photo shows Saddam on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

[Scott McCumber]

Me, Brian, Rachel, Lucas, Al and Verne.

Looks like we have all the makings of an ANOP (all night of posting, in case someone didn't know)!

We could use Garth and Retread, maybe Bob and Emily.

Nah, I shouldn't be up this late to begin with!

Night all!

[jesusfreak]

Me, Brian, Rachel, Lucas, Al and Verne.

Looks like we have all the makings of an ANOP (all night of posting, in case someone didn't know)!

meh, i will prob head back to my apartment around 3.  Stupid computer science classes, they are *so* not worth it  

--
lucas

[Joe Sperling]

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison?


A small medium at large.

[al Hartman]

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

MM

Riddle:     What has twelve legs and 36 teeth?
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Answer:      A hockey team.

[Joe Sperling]

I just heard this on the radio and thought it was pretty funny.  

There are four stages to a man's life:

Stage 1: When you believe in Santa Claus
Stage 2: When you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Stage 3:  When you become Santa Claus.
Stage 4:  When you look like Santa Claus.

--Joe

[moonflower2]

Is there anyone out there besides gefjack that believes that there is a purgatory-like place where we go after death?
It would sure make life a lot easier thinking that we were already there.

We have a "joke" between two of us at work that we are in purgatory (me) and won't ever have to go through this again    , and the alternative posed by my co-worker that we are in hell already.  

I like my temporary stint better.

[al Hartman]

I just heard this on the radio and thought it was pretty funny.  

There are four stages to a man's life:

Stage 1: When you believe in Santa Claus
Stage 2: When you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Stage 3:  When you become Santa Claus.
Stage 4:  When you look like Santa Claus.

--Joe

Joe,

What I really want to know is what stage are you at!

Marcia

Marcia,

     I'm pretty sure Joe has not yet reached stage 4 or he wouldn't find it so funny...

al

[Joe Sperling]

Marcia----

You'll just have to guess.  Ho Ho Ho

--Joe