Laughter..the best medicine

[Oscar]

I just heard this on the radio and thought it was pretty funny.  

There are four stages to a man's life:

Stage 1: When you believe in Santa Claus
Stage 2: When you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Stage 3:  When you become Santa Claus.
Stage 4:  When you look like Santa Claus.

--Joe

Joe,

What I really want to know is what stage are you at!

Marcia

Marcia,

     I'm pretty sure Joe has not yet reached stage 4 or he wouldn't find it so funny...

al

Al,

And the way that you know that is true is....?    

Tom

[al Hartman]

I just heard this on the radio and thought it was pretty funny.  

There are four stages to a man's life:

Stage 1: When you believe in Santa Claus
Stage 2: When you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Stage 3:  When you become Santa Claus.
Stage 4:  When you look like Santa Claus.

--Joe

Joe,

What I really want to know is what stage are you at!

Marcia

Marcia,

     I'm pretty sure Joe has not yet reached stage 4 or he wouldn't find it so funny...

al

Al,

And the way that you know that is true is....?    

Tom

Tom,

     Do you really have to ask?  After spending significant time at stage 4, I am attempting stage 5: Looking like Santa Claus on the Atkins diet!

al

[al Hartman]

Al,

From Tom's profile pic, I figure that Tom is either at stage 3 or 4.

Marcia

Marcia,

     The picture is somewhat misleading:  Tom has the heart of a Santa, but his physique is nearer that of the Grinch.  (In fact, on particularly rough airliner trips, even his coloring may approach that of the Grinch! )

al      P.S.-- I can't tell you how glad I am you brought it up!

[lenore]

:(include a laughing smily

if there were a drawing button i would let the artist out.

AMEN , AMEN, AMEN.

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.

A couple of weeks ago, my church had a men's mix breakfast, where the speaker was associate with a church in Ottawa, where is specialty is on helping people in their relationship.

For his presentations:
He had blackboard, overhead projection, and a video machine going.
All on relationships. with the foundation on GOD, BUILDING UP TO  6-8 STEPS TO SATISIFACTION.

ON THE BLACK BOARD HE WROTE:

Sorry I cant remember it correctly:

LAUGHTER IS FUEL THAT RELIEVES STRESS (?)

[lenore]

I was sent this via: email.
My computer teacher was a great one for sending jokes, and a dear sister in Lord living in Thunder Bay
loves to send me Christian sayings, causes?
Here is one example of a joke, saying , lighter side of things.


ENJOY PLEASE.



  :DTHE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"



Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.



How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.



Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.



Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.



Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?



Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.



If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?



You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.



Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.



Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.



We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.



A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.



Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....
Please don't keep this message
to yourself.....send it to those
who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 FORGIVE ME FOR ANY ADVERTISEMENT THAT MAY HAVE CREEPED IN TO MY COPYING AND PASTING. SORRY ABOUT THAT





  Attachment    
 
 
 

 
 

[lenore]

Christian One-Liners
 
      "Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started
      out as a basket case.
      Some people are kind, polite  and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit
      in their pews
      Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
      It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one
      The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,  but mosquitoes
      come close.
      When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
      People are funny, they want  the front of the bus, the middle of the road,
      and the back of the church.
      Opportunity may knock once,  but temptation bangs on your front door
      forever
      Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,  you couldn't belong
      If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
      God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead So why
      should you?
      Some minds are like concrete,  thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
      Peace starts with a smile.
      I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it
      make which one you stay home from?
      A lot of church members who are singing "Standing  on the Promises" are
      just sitting on the premises.
      We were called to be witnesses,  not lawyers or judges
      Be ye fishers of men.You catch them,  He'll clean them.
      Coincidence is when God  chooses to remain anonymous.
      Don't put a question mark  where God put a period.
      Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
      Forbidden fruits create many jams.
      God doesn't call the qualified,  He qualifies the called.
      God grades on the cross,  not the curve.
      God loves everyone, but  probably prefers "fruits  of the spirit" over
      "religious  nuts!"
      God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
      He who angers you, controls you!
      If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
      Prayer: Don't give God  instructions -- just report for duty!
      The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us
      The Will of God will never  take you to where the Grace of God will not
       protect you.  
       We don't change the message, the message changes us.
       You can tell how big a person  is by what it takes to ..  discourage him.
       The best mathematical equation I have ever seen  1 cross+ 3 nails = 4 giv
        "Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it  is that You know
        they need"
 

[lenore]

     
MAY 22: 4:57 PM
 




attachment are enclosed .

[al Hartman]

   
MAY 22: 4:57 PM
attachment are enclosed .
prettyone_beth_may15.txt

     This link is to a beautiful & touching story, which I have posted in its entirety on the "Loving Our Children" thread...

al

[lenore]

   
MAY 22: 4:57 PM
attachment are enclosed .
prettyone_beth_may15.txt

     This link is to a beautiful & touching story, which I have posted in its entirety on the "Loving Our Children" thread...

al

HELP YOURSELF, ANY OTHER THAT YOU DEEM APPROPRIATE.
Any help would be appreciate, if I put it in the wrong spot, please fix. Thanks.

Enclose is a cuteness difference 30 years make.

[lenore]

MAY 26 9:59 PM EST

THIS IS FOR THE WOMEN: TO PONDER:

  ; My 24 year old daughter the mother of my twin grandsons, sent me this.
So women what do you think?
 

Okay, Okay, itall makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause


GUYnecologist

AND

Whenwe have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

[lenore]

  That was funny Marcia:

Ever here of the joke, WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?

I dont know it off hand, but it seem your diagnosis, seems to be related to  to this symptom.
You going to look for something, and forget, then wonder why I here after.

If anyone has the full joke, please submit.

My computer teacher send me jokes over the email.
I apology for any thing that is not political correct.
My computer teacher name is Dan Gilchrist.

THE THIRSTY TALIBAN
 
 A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. > The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" > The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes." > The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!" > The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." > The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. > Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. > The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" > The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in > without a tie!"

[lenore]

WEDNESDAY , JUNE 2, 7:05 PM:

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!  This
little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.



Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in
pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in
France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are
meat.



Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but
fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One
goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can
make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and

get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  Is it an odd, or an
end?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  In what language do people
recite
at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have
noses that run and feet that smell?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a
wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.



That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights
are out, they are invisible.



P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?


ENJOY
TALK TO YOU LATER GATOR

LENORE




 
 
 
 
 

[Recovering Saint]

Question: How old are you?

Sent to me by a friend in our church.

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.  Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. (Simpson's, Eaton's, Kresge's and Woolworth's were the stores in Canada that had revolving credit cards. Simpson's then became Simpson Sears and later Sears. Eaton's went out of business and was purchased by Sears. Kresge's became Zellers and Woolworth's became Woolco that was later bought by K-Mart which was bought by Wal-Mart.)

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
 

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches (buttons) on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
 


Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

[al Hartman]

Hugh,

     I'm older than dirt (perfect score)-- will that make me easier to bury?

al

[Oscar]

Hugh,

I also scored a perfect 20.  I remember it all, except for what happened to the various dept. stores in my part of "Texas."

Regarding the "Older Than Dirt" test...item number 5.

Once when my girls were high school age, I took them to a 50's diner for supper.  After watching me put quarters in the table top juke box and listeneng to the big juke box playing various tunes, my youngest daughter said to me, "Oh, I get it...this little one is connected to the big one over there."

I remember thinking something like, "Oh, I grew up knowing how these things worked, but she has never seen one.  It is a completely new idea to her.

Another time, I was in an antique shop with her...they had a bowl full of skate keys on the counter.  I picked one up and asked her, "What's this?"  Not a clue.   All the kids of her generation had shoe skates, she had never seen a pair of clamp ons.

You haven't lived until you have skidded around a corner on the sidewalk and "dug out" down the block, when suddenly the clamp on the front of one of your skates comes off, and you are racing down the sidewalk on one skate, holding up your other foot with the skate dangling from the strap around your ankle.

PS, my mom had a coke bottle with the little thing with holes in it sitting on her ironing board.


God bless,
Thomas Maddux