Laughter..the best medicine

[Joe Sperling]

The Mormon baby story was on page 9.
JIMMY HOFFA RETURNED BY ALIENS was on the
front page.

--Joe

[Oscar]

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER             June 21, 2004  



               WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO MORMON BABY

As an amazed doctor and nurses looked on, a most unusual baby was born last Friday. "I couldn't believe it at first" said a startled Minnie Eubanks, a nurse at Good Samaritan Hospital, where the birth took place. "We were all taken quite aback" she added nervously.

The baby's mother, Nan Stevens, a staunch Catholic, was perhaps the most amazed of all. "I just can't believe this has happened!!" she said anxiously, "I took all of my vitamins, and never smoke or drank during the whole pregnancy!!" The baby's father became comatose and was admitted to the Psych ward for further examination.

"We saw the baby's head first" said another assisting nurse, Matilda Wentworth. Then the baby came out, wearing black pants, a white shirt with black tie, and a name tag which read "Elder Stevens"." she added. "And when he came out his legs were moving in a bicycle motion, you would have sworn he was on one" added the other attending nurse, Mary Howard.

Doctors and scientists are investigating the birth, while others are blaming the new pre-natal drug Josmithicol for the possible irregularity. Whatever the cause, Elder Stevens is resting comfortably in the Pediatric Ward of the hospital. The nurses state that when they play anything from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir the baby stops crying and falls quickly asleep.Elder Stevens and his mother will be allowed to go home in two more days.

Once I was standing in line in a supermarket.  I noticed that one of the tabloids had the headline, "Man Explodes On Operating Table".

I confess that I was curious enough to pick it up and read it.  I was imagining an operating room with internal organs stuck to the walls and ceiling.  Turned out that all it was was a story about a man who was going to have a laser applied to something on his abdomen.  They swabbed him with regular alcohol instead of a modern disinfectant, and when they fired up the laser, he caught fire for a few seconds.

They failed to make a sale that day.

Tom

[lenore]

 :)JUNE 25TH, 3:08 AM. EST:

From the Book: THE TALE OF THE TARDY OXCART
by Charles R. Swindoll

On the subject of obedience:

At a certain children's hospital, a boy gained a reputation for wreaking havoc with the nurses and staff.
One day a visitor who knew about his terrorizing nature made him a deal. "If you are good for a week" she said "I'll give you a dime when I come again"
A week later she stood before his bed.
"I'LL tell you want," she said
"I won't adk the nurses if you behaved. You must
tell me yourself. Do you deserve the dime?"
After a moment's pause.
a small voice from the sheets said.
"Gimme a penny?"

[al Hartman]

:)JUNE 25TH, 3:08 AM. EST:

From the Book: THE TALE OF THE TARDY OXCART
by Charles R. Swindoll

On the subject of obedience:

At a certain children's hospital, a boy gained a reputation for wreaking havoc with the nurses and staff.
One day a visitor who knew about his terrorizing nature made him a deal. "If you are good for a week" she said "I'll give you a dime when I come again"
A week later she stood before his bed.
"I'LL tell you want," she said
"I won't adk the nurses if you behaved. You must
tell me yourself. Do you deserve the dime?"
After a moment's pause.
a small voice from the sheets said.
"Gimme a penny?"

     Sad to say, I think that had this applied to me when I was a kid, I would have owed the dear woman money!

al

[lenore]

 : Maybe here is one that you probably recognize then:

From the book: Tales of the tardy Oxcart:


Topic is Theology:

I think I learned my first theology at my mother's knee. She said. "Lord help you if you ever do that again.".



Here's another by author: Leslie Flynn

A GROUP OF THEOLOGIANS were discussing predestination and free will. When the argument became heated, the dissidents slit into two groups. One man, unable to make up his mind which group to join, slipped into the predestination crowd. Challenged as to why he was there, he said. "I came of my own free will." The group reacted. "Free will! You cant join us!." And he retreated to the opposing group and met the next challenge. "What are you doing here!"
"I was sent here." "Get out" they stormed. "You can't join us unless you come of your own free will."


Another one:(THis will make you think)

TWO MAJOR MISTAKES: are commonly found in the family of God. One is giving lost people too much theology: two is giving saved people too much of the gospel.  Saved people don't grow if all they're told is the cross and the tomb.  Lost people won't understand if what they are told is the deep subjects of theology.

[al Hartman]

A priest and pastor were on the side of the road.
They held up a large sign proclaiming: "The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
and they showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't seem to appreciate the sign
and shouted at them as he whizzed by, "Leave me alone,
you religious freaks!"

Seconds later, they looked at each other quizzically, and the priest said to the pastor, "Do you think maybe our sign should just say


                                   BRIDGE OUT instead?"

[al Hartman]

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

     The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much  confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

                                        "Picabo, ICU."


 

[lenore]

 : JULY 12/ 8:51 PM

THE TALE OF THE TARDY OXCART :

Topic: Education:
Author:  Anne Ortland:

"""I laughed at the little elementary school child who took a test on human anatomy and failed it.  She was the only one in the class who failed that particular examination.  This is how her test read: "The human body composed of three parta: The branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity.  The branium contains the brain. The borax contains, the lungs, the liver, and the living things. The abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five; a,e, i.o and u."""


A schoolboy said. "The pilgrims came here  seeking from you know what, landed and gave thanks to you know who, now we can worship on Sundays you know where.

[al Hartman]

                         20 Ways To maintain Your Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.  Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "Charitable Contribution"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With; "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People How Old They Are.  Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify Several Times At The Drive-through That Your Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask  Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock-Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."  


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This List To Someone To Make Them Smile....It's Called Therapy...


                                                 

[al Hartman]

 



                                              KIDS


     After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
    At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
    "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"!
    I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No,how are we alike?"
    "You're both old," he replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story.
    "What's it about?" he asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
    I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.
    At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
    Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."  The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide- eyed.
    In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
    With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
    Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
    "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."
    The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
    "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"     "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
    The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

********************
    A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.  She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
    Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

**********************
    A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
    "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
    "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," the teacher said.  But who's the fourth person?"
    "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot."

************************
    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.     "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[lenore]

 :DJULY 18TH  'HAPPY LORD'S DAY'

Book: Tales of the Tardy Oxcart

Topic: Preaching:

"A preacher was giving a lecture on the  Minor Prophets one after another. He came finally to the Book of Amos. "we have now come to Amos" he said,
"and what shall we do with Amos".
A man sitting in the rear of the house said.
loud enough to be heard by everyone.
"He can have my seat, I'm going home."

Author:  F.B.Meyer


I read of a young miniser whose besetting sin was not laziness, but conceit. He frequently boasted in public that all the time he needed to prepare his Sunday sermon was te few moments it took to walk to the church from the parsonage next door. You could probably guess what the congregation voted to do.
They bought the new parsonage eight miles away.


God Told me to feed my sheep, not my giraffes
author: H.A.Ironside

[al Hartman]

                               Experiencing the Unexpected


     A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.  :oThe driver screamed, losing control of the cab, nearly hitting a bus, driving up over the curb, and stopping just inches from a large plate glass window.

     For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

     The frightened passenger apologized to the driver , and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.

     The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my first day driving a cab....   ::)for the last 25 years I've driven a hearse."

[al Hartman]

This collection of Will Rogers' witticisms comes compliments of Glory Maddux:

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.  

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.  If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.  

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.  

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.  

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.  

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.  
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.  

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.  

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.  

Thanks, Glory!

[David Mauldin]

A few weeks ago on a dark and stormy night, I was lost, driving around some mountain village when my car broke down.  In my distress I noticed an image reveal itself whenever lighting would flash off in the distance. This I made out to be a castle.  With renewed hope I started out for it. As I walked I was met by a strangely moustached old villager who asked me aprehensively where I was going. After I told him the most terrified look came across his face.  "Oh no" he reponded "You don't want to go there!" The people in that place are horrible!" "They walk around all the time with eyes that stare off and mouths dropped open!" At this I confronted the oldman, "Do you mean to tell me that this castle is filled with zombies?"
"No" "I'm trying to tell you" "That castle is the Republican headquarters!"

[outdeep]

A few weeks ago on a dark and stormy night, I was lost, driving around some mountain village when my car broke down.  In my distress I noticed an image reveal itself whenever lighting would flash off in the distance. This I made out to be a castle.  With renewed hope I started out for it. As I walked I was met by a strangely moustached old villager who asked me aprehensively where I was going. After I told him the most terrified look came across his face.  "Oh no" he reponded "You don't want to go there!" The people in that place are horrible!" "They walk around all the time with eyes that stare off and mouths dropped open!" At this I confronted the oldman, "Do you mean to tell me that this castle is filled with zombies?"
"No" "I'm trying to tell you" "That castle is the Republican headquarters!"

Just another Dave Mauldin attempt to bring understanding through intelligent discussion and to celebrate the diversity of opinion.