Laughter..the best medicine

[al Hartman]

A few weeks ago on a dark and stormy night, I was lost, driving around some mountain village when my car broke down.  In my distress I noticed an image reveal itself whenever lighting would flash off in the distance. This I made out to be a castle.  With renewed hope I started out for it. As I walked I was met by a strangely moustached old villager who asked me aprehensively where I was going. After I told him the most terrified look came across his face.  "Oh no" he reponded "You don't want to go there!" The people in that place are horrible!" "They walk around all the time with eyes that stare off and mouths dropped open!" At this I confronted the oldman, "Do you mean to tell me that this castle is filled with zombies?"
"No" "I'm trying to tell you" "That castle is the Republican headquarters!"

Just another Dave Mauldin attempt to bring understanding through intelligent discussion and to celebrate the diversity of opinion.

     Oh, I dunno, Dave.  It sounds pretty much like what "a strangely
moustached old villager" who was out & about "on a dark and stormy
night" might say...

al


 

[David Mauldin]

O.K. guys I stole this from a Bob Hope movie he made back in the forties.  What can you come up with?  More lame criticism?

[outdeep]

O.K. guys I stole this from a Bob Hope movie he made back in the forties.  What can you come up with?  More lame criticism?

Now, David, don't get all torked and defensive.  Maybe you can help us understand what kind of response you were looking for.

Were you hoping we would say:

a)  Oh!  Ha ha!  We Republicans are an evil bunch.  Boy, he sure has us nailed.

b)  Oh, wow!  Is that how liberals look at us?  I had no idea.  We better investigate as to how to make ourselves more likeable.

c)  Gee, that's alot like Jerry Fallwell mixing at a Washington party where gays and lesbians are present and telling a joke that puts down homosexuals.  Probably not very tolerant, sensitive, or wise.

-Dave

P.S.:  They had the same joke on the Simpsons, but it worked better because (as with Bob Hope) they tend to satire everything and remain politically neutral overall.

[Oscar]

Actually, the old villager was lying.  Everyone knows that Dracula lives in that castle.  Dracula, of course, is a Democrat.

We know this because he wants to suck the lifeblood out of everyone so that he can feel good.  Nowadays, the Democrats use taxation to accomplish the same end.

Thomas Maddux

[sfortescue]

A joke from a Latigo comic strip from 1981 seems to fit here.


Setting: There's an old west style church with singing, "Amazing grace! how sweet the sound ...", and framed on the wall is a register showing: "Number on the roll: 82", "Attendance last Sunday: 17", "Attendance today: 26", "Offering last Sunday: $6.25".


The sermon begins:

"Our lesson today comes from St. Luke, chapter 18 ..."

"... Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican."

"The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican ..."

"... and this publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes to heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner."

"I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted."


Afterwards, a man shakes hands with the minister:

"I sure did enjoy the lesson today, rever'nd ... made me feel mighty good about myself!"
"Really, Adam?  How so?"

"Well, sir ... that old Pharisee figgered he was pretty hot stuff, an' the Lord put him down ..."

"... but he was plum' happy with that Republican!  Made me proud t' be one!"

[Recovering Saint]

Hello everyone.

Please forgive me for interupting your other topics but this is too much to pass up.

Defendant claims constitutional right to TV

NEW YORK - Some judges throw the book at suspects; others throw away the key. One federal judge decided to throw away the TV when he sentenced a defendant to a 10-month ban on television watching.

The defendant's lawyers have argued that the television ban violates their client's First Amendment rights and last week won a temporary stay until they can argue the case before a federal appeals court.

U.S. District Court Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein meted out the no TV sentence in December to Edward Bello, 60, of Orange County, The New York Times reported Thursday.

Radio and Internet use, however, were permitted.

Bello, who has a 30-year history of petty crimes including disorderly conduct, possession of a gambling device and his latest offense, credit card theft, has never spent a day in prison for any of his crimes.

Bello's attorney, Robert Baum, said the television ban smacked of censorship but Hellerstein said he instituted it "to create a condition of silent introspection that I considered necessary to induce (the) defendant to change his behavior, to adhere to the right and to eschew wrong."

In addition to the TV ban, Hellerstein ordered Bello to 10 months home detention and said he could leave the house only for work, grocery shopping, church, educational or medical reasons. Bello, a vending machine repairman, also was ordered to pay 10 percent of his annual income to banks and merchants as restitution for the nearly $27,000 he racked up using stolen credit cards.

Until the case is heard, Bello is free to watch any of the seven televisions in his home.

The Associated Press
March 7, 2002

What do you all think? Will he be a changed man.

Professing to be wise they became fools. Has this world gone completely off its rocker?

Hugh

[lenore]

 : August 25 at 12:33 am Arnprior Time:

On Sunday evening, Pastor B, told a joke.

There was a church, who was trying to raise money for the building fund. The pastor came up with a idea. If anyone would pay $200, they can choose 3 hymns , that would be sung for each week for one month.
Again the pastor asked from the pulpit, anyone willing to pay $200 for three hymns.
Up came an elderly lady, She handed over $500.  
Pastor asked her okay which three hymns.
The elderly lady said
" I take him, and him, and him."
(pointing to three men in the congregation)

[al Hartman]

     Well, this young seminary graduate and his wife accepted the pulpit of a small one-room country chuch in an economically depressed area of Appalachia.  The congregation had no money to offer, but was able to provide a small cottage adjacent to the church, for a parsonage.

     With no salary and no work readily available, the energetic pastor and his wife planted a large vegetable patch, and built a poultry barn, in which to raise turkeys, so to be able to feed themselves.  Their first summer was a good one.  The vegetables came in abundantly, and the turkeys were downright prolific.  By the coming of autumn, the pastor's wife had canned enough vegetables and smoked enough turkey meat to get them through the winter with food to spare.

     The first Sunday in November, the pastor put up a large poster on the bulletin board at the entrance to the church that read, "Anyone wanting a free turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, stop by the parsonage after services.  Our coop runneth over."

[al Hartman]

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to yours.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a businesslike manner.

7. When making phone calls from home, you dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around and go back to get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to have noticed there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.  

[al Hartman]

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and took twenty dollars. He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

[Mark Kisla]

RIDDLE;

A man goes into a hardware store, he buys;
 1 for $1
 10 for $2
 100 for $3
 What did he buy ?

[outdeep]

RIDDLE;

A man goes into a hardware store, he buys;
 1 for $1
 10 for $2
 100 for $3
 What did he buy ?

Numbers for the address sign for his house.  Very useful if he happens to live at 100 Main Street.

[Mark Kisla]

You are correct Dave,
How about this one;

How do you make a handkerchief dance ?

[outdeep]

You are correct Dave,
How about this one;

How do you make a handkerchief dance ?

I'm not sure, but I suspect "the answer, my friend is blown' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind."

[Mark Kisla]

You are correct Dave,
How about this one;

How do you make a handkerchief dance ?

I'm not sure, but I suspect "the answer, my friend is blown' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind."

Dave
 Great answer, but not the only answer.
You make a handkerchief dance...by putting a little boogie in it.
 Sorry about the loss of your wifes friend.
Mark K