Laughter..the best medicine

[al Hartman]

The Norwegian Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out at once to the nearest fire department. When the fire fighters began to appear on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved, and I will give $50,000 to your fire department if you bring them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments were called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to whatever fire department would save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the ancient little fire engine, driven and manned by these grizzled, aged Norwegians, zipped past all the newer high-tech engines encircling the blazing plant... continuing straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other fire companies watched in awe as the Norwegian old timers jumped from their vehicle and began to fight the raging holocaust with a performance of effort and skill unsurpassed in the annals of firefighting.  Within an unexpectedly short time, the  old Norsemen had extinguished the last ember and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he had upped the reward to $250,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, exhausted old
Norsk firefighters.

The local TV news crews, having captured the whole event on live feed and videotape, rushed in for personal interviews, asking "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Laars Olaffsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "t' furst t'ing ve do is ta fix t' brakes on t' fire truck!"

[lenore]

March 23th, 2005//sharing jokes I found on the web.
........................................................................
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*************************************************
A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
*************************************************
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."
*************************************************
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRAYER
An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?" he asked.
"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl.
"But I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EULOGY
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------















 

[vernecarty]

March 23th, 2005//sharing jokes I found on the web.
........................................................................
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*************************************************

Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!   
Verne

[al Hartman]

This is an updated political version of the old Abbott & Costello baseball routine.  The role of Bud Abbott is played by President George "Dubya" Bush and Lou Costello's part is played by Condoleeza Rice:


Dubya:   Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi:   Sir, I have the report you wanted about the new leader of China.

Dubya:   Great.  Lay it on me.

Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.

Dubya:   That's what I want to know.

Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.

Dubya:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes.

Dubya:   I mean the fellow's name.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The guy in China.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The new leader of China.

Condi:   Hu.

Dubya:   The main man in China!

Condi:   Hu is leading China.

Dubya:   Now whadd'ya asking me for?

Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

Dubya:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi:   That's the man's name.

Dubya:   That's who's name?

Condi:   Yes.

Dubya:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat?  I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi:   That's correct.

Dubya:   Then who is in China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir is in China?

Condi:   No, sir.

Dubya:   Then who is?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   Yassir?

Condi:   No, sir.

Dubya:  Look Condi, I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Just get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Dubya:   Khofi?

George:   No, thanks.

Condi:  You want me to get you Khofi?

Dubya:   No.

Condi:   You don't want Khofi?

Dubya:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. Then get me the U.N.

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Khofi?

Dubya:  I said milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi:  And call who?

Dubya:  Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi:   Hu is the guy in China.

Dubya:   Will you stay out of China?!

Condi:   Yes, sir.

Dubya:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  I'll get Khofi for you right away, sir.

Dubya:  Oh, all right!  Fine!  With cream and two sugars.

[al Hartman]

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 5.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally
dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at
the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before
getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on this list.

and NOW you're laughing at yourself...

[tenderhearted]

JUNE 14TH:


I went and explored the web for CLEAN CHRISTIAN JOKES

These can be a little corny:

But I thought maybe laughter can be the best medicine. It relieve the stress hormones.


So here is my contributions.


 
 The English Language 
 
 


n celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a stupid language.
       
      There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don't humanitarians eat human!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!
       
     

 
 Measuring the Pole 
 
 


wo morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
       
      The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
       
      The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.
       
      The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the length."


Jokes
       Clean Christian jokes and humor about the stupid things we say and do and stupid things in life.

 
 
Partners
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Family edited Movies
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 Daily Affirmations 
 
 


      - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
       
      - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
       
      - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
       
      - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
       
      - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
       
      - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
       
      - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
       
      - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
       
      - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
       
      - Joan of Arc heard voices too.
       
      - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
       
      - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
       
      - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
       
      - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
       
      - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
       
      - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
       
      - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
       
      - I am at one with my duality.
       
      - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
       
      - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
       
      - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
       
      - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
       
      - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
       
      - False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
       
      - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
       
      - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
       
      - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
       
      - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
       
      - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
       
      - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
       
      - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
       
      - To understand all is to fear all.
       
      - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
       
      - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
       
      - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
       
      - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
       
      - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


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The Computer is Down"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[moonflower2]

A day late, but still funny:

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

[Uncle Buck]

One Liners from Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.


I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.


A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.


I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

[matthew r. sciaini]

More on morons.

Less on lessons.

Or even ever, o?

Did you hear about the guy with the "beast" complex?  He was sick, sick, sick.

Would you like this discussion heated, regular, a la mode, or what?

No pain, no gain.  No brain, no pain. 

Knob!  Bonk!



Matt Sciaini

[trac4yt]

Just thought it might help to know..

The conventional theory of the Big Bang says that the newborn universe was huge, containing more than 10^80 [ten raised to the power of eighty] tons of matter. But physicists were stumped for an explanation of where all this matter came from. Inflationary theory solves this problem by showing how our universe could emerge from less than a milligram of matter, or perhaps even from literally nothing.

http://www.physorg.com/news91078256.html

[Oscar]

Howdy Trac4yt,

It is not clear to me what you are getting at by putting this link in the humor thread.  I gather you are laughing at the idea of an inflationary Big Bang creation event.

If so, then you are quite in sync with large numbers of Christians who ascribe to the belief in six 24 hour days of creation, with the universe appearing fully mature.

Many Christians do not see it quite this way, and there are whole books written advocating various theories that attempt to accomodate Biblical revelation with scientific research.  One of these, "The Genesis Debate" is a discussion between three teams advocating the Day-Age theory, (Hugh Ross and Gleason Archer), the six-day creation theory, and the Literary Hypothesis, also called the Dual Register theory.  It's advocates are G. Meridith Kline and none other than a good 'ole assembly kid, Lee Irons.

For Christians, the issue of how God created the universe is important.  The evidence for an ancient universe is overwhelming.  Because of this, the minority of Christians who reject the Big Bang theory as being at least possible are viewed as ignoramuses, (ignorami?), by most educated folks.  This does raise a problem for gospel outreach among educated people, since they figure we are ignorant people at the beginning of the discussion.

Regarding the claims made in your link:

1.

"But physicists were stumped for an explanation of where all this matter came from. Inflationary theory solves this problem by showing how our universe could emerge from less than a milligram of matter, or perhaps even from literally nothing.

This fellow is flim-flaming his readers.  Nothing has several definitions, and he is merely using "absence of matter" as "nothing".  However, when he talks about a vacuum in which quantum fluctuations can take place he is actually appealing to another universe which has the same laws of physics as ours and so can "give birth" to our universe. 

There is absolutely no observational or experimental evidence for a meta-universe.  String theory has been useful in explaining some aspects of physics but claims that it proves the existance of multi-universes are actually statements of metaphysical faith, not physical science.

What is actually going on is that atheists are attempting to ressurect the idea that physical reality is eternal, which would mean that there is no need for a Creator.  These folks hate the Big Bang even more than the Fundamentalists do.  The scientific gobbldegook they use is designed to fool the innocent and careless, but Christian scientists have pointed out its dishonesty.

Blessings,

Tom Maddux

[trac4yt]

..Humor in the context of the atheistic, elaborate-schematics realm.
Ongoing Christian, "in-house", creation-timeline discussions are assumed acceptable and educational.

In all thinges geve thankes. For this is the wyll of God in Christ Iesu towarde you. (1Th 5:18 Tyn)

[trac4yt]

Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them.  The LORD hath done great things for us; [whereof] we are glad. (Ps 126:2-3)

Enjoy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttF5HVYtlQ&mode=related&search=

[brian]

[outdeep]

I'm not sure why this is under "laughter". I think the writer makes a valid point,   :rofl:


Seriously, this was hilarious. :rofl:  :rofl:

I checked out snopes as well as the Arkansas Democrat and it appears that this was a letter that was published.  Whether satire, April Fools joke, or someone who was just unclear about the concept . . . ?