Joe Sperling
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« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2003, 03:00:08 am » |
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When I was growing up we had the same Pagan ritual year after year. First, the donning of the long black robes, then the circling of the fir tree by our family, and the solemn chanting, while Dad held the axe waiting to cut the tree down. Then Mom would let out the high pitched scream, which signaled Dad to swing the axe.
Then the tree was cut down. Part of the trunk was then sawed off from which we carved little deities in the shape of elves. We would offer these deities lavish dishes in hopes that our Christmas day would be a good one, and we would all receive the gifts we all so desperately wanted.
On Christmas Eve we decorated the tree, being sure to bow in front of it before we put on each decoration. Then, Mom would let out another high pitched scream which signaled Dad to put the star on top. We would then all fall upon our knees and express our adoration of the tree, it now being possessd of it's full strength to energize us with it's Christmas powers.
The pot belly pig was then brought forth, it's high-pitched squeal piercing the night as we sacrificed it under the twinkling lights of the tree. We then exchanged our gifts, thanking the elvish deities as we basked in our materialistic bounty.
----from my new book "Why True Christians do not celebrate Christmas(what the pagans secretly do on Christmas Eve)" by Joe Sperling
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« Last Edit: December 05, 2003, 03:04:24 am by Joe Sperling »
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al Hartman
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« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2003, 08:23:18 am » |
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 Still having a hard time deciding what to buy for that recent assembly dropout on your list? Here's great news: We all know how hard it is to quit cold turkey from those coffee enemas. Here is a gift that will ease the angst and restore the buzz  : SHOWER SHOCK caffeinated soap This delightful product comes in a four ounce bar that contains enough caffeine to deliver 200 milligrams of caffeine per shower, for 12 showers! And it costs only $6.99 plus shipping and handling. Imagine the pleasure of washing your face and at the same time handing your brain the wakeup jolt it longs for! (And no more bags and hoses!)  You'll want to order enough for all your ex-assembly friends and loved ones... and some for yourself, too! It's time to wake up and smell the soap!!!  ORDER FROM: ThinkGeek Inc. (NOTE: NOT ThinkGreek) 10801 Main St., Suite 700 Fairfax, VA 22030 or phone 1-888-GEEK-STUFF (433-5788) [again, NOT GREEK!] or visit www.thinkgeek.com------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, i know, this sounds too ridiculous to be real, but IT IS!!! It was in the newspaper! OK, it was in Dave Barry's column, but it's still a newspaper, and if we can't believe our national press... ;Dal
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Scott McCumber
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« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2003, 10:58:59 pm » |
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So I was wearing shorts and no shoes when I took my recycle bins out to the curb last night. I stopped and looked at all the palm trees wrapped in Christmas lights and heaved a deep sigh. Maybe, hopefully, Lord willing, it will be chilly enough on Christmas Eve, that if I leave all my windows open and sip hot chocolate, it might possibly feel somewhat like Christmas. But I doubt it. The good news is, it feels exactly like Christmas to my kids who don't know any different!  |
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Mark Kisla
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« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2003, 10:56:23 pm » |
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Scott,
What does Santa wear down there ?
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Scott McCumber
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« Reply #20 on: December 16, 2003, 03:57:09 am » |
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Hi, Mark,
Sandals, shorts, a noisy Bermuda shirt and sunglasses. Saw him today. I was driving behind his big Caddy. He was going 15 mph under the speed limit in the passing lane and kept fading into the other lane.
I could barely see Mrs. Claus' blue hair over the back of her seat. I think they were on their way to the Early Bird Special at Denny's!
Strange thing is, he had Michigan plates. Weird.
Scott
PS - Wonder how many Assembly Kids heard the term "Satan Claus"?
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Mark Kisla
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« Reply #21 on: December 16, 2003, 04:54:15 am » |
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Hey Scott,
It has got to be wild for you being from the seasonal midwest, to the balmy winter climates of Florida. I'm sure college football games are much more comfortable to attend.
It is a shame that AKs got hit with the Satan Claus routine, you're only a kid once and the holidays are a lot of fun.
Mark K
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al Hartman
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« Reply #22 on: December 16, 2003, 09:04:26 am » |
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Hey Scott,
It has got to be wild for you being from the seasonal midwest, to the balmy winter climates of Florida. I'm sure college football games are much more comfortable to attend. End-of-the-season college football in FL & S.CA are played in a similar climate to the summer conditioning season in OH!  It is a shame that AKs got hit with the Satan Claus routine, you're only a kid once and the holidays are a lot of fun.
Mark K Yeah, Mark, you're right about only being a kid once, but you can really stretch that out if you want to!!! HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!!al |
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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2003, 06:37:48 am » |
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I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!!! Of course, there is always the fear that one will become "paganized" by celebrating Christmas. But that's all hogwash!! A sure sign that one has been "paganized" is when you immediately think you have read the same thing twice! But that's all hogwash!! A sure sign that one has been "paganized" is when you immediately think you have read the same thing twice! And we don't have to fear that. God bless you all.
--Joe
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« Last Edit: December 30, 2003, 06:47:15 am by Joe Sperling »
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Oscar
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« Reply #24 on: December 30, 2003, 08:44:11 am » |
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I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!!! Of course, there is always the fear that one will become "paganized" by celebrating Christmas. But that's all hogwash!! A sure sign that one has been "paganized" is when you immediately think you have read the same thing twice! But that's all hogwash!! A sure sign that one has been "paganized" is when you immediately think you have read the same thing twice! And we don't have to fear that. God bless you all.
--Joe
Joe, Do you mean that we are NOT supposed to pray to the Christmas Tree? Tom |
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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #25 on: December 30, 2003, 09:18:01 pm » |
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Tom--- Sure---go ahead. But in my experience, Douglas Firs over 6 feet tall answer prayers more quickly. To speed the answer up a bit throw a little tinsel over your right shoulder and sing a chorus of "Jingle Bells" while standing under some Mistletoe. --Joe |
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jesusfreak
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« Reply #26 on: December 31, 2003, 12:18:55 am » |
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Tom--- Sure---go ahead. But in my experience, Douglas Firs over 6 feet tall answer prayers more quickly. To speed the answer up a bit throw a little tinsel over your right shoulder and sing a chorus of "Jingle Bells" while standing under some Mistletoe. --Joe Really? I have found their needles have a tendency to dig into ones knees - especially when it comes time to dive under the tree looking for the discharge of blessings on the morning of the 25th. I prefer a nice white pine. While they are somewhat less filling upon sight, this trait leads them to be much more condusive to projectile bodies. Honestly, you shouldn't ever need to know how it feels to extract a pine needles from places you didn't even know you had, the Spirit of Christimas simply loves us too much -- lucas |
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Eulaha L. Long
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« Reply #27 on: December 31, 2003, 07:48:07 am » |
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After having not celebrated Christmas in 10 years, it definitely was a strange experience this year to do so with my family. I had to wrap all my gifts (which I hated!). I think next year, I'll use gift bags instead! I got quite a few gifts too-I think my family was trying to make up for lost time. I was definitely blessed beyond measure. We had a big Christmas dinner, and then we watched my nieces and nephew play with their new toys and games. I had a lot of fun. And yes-I was continually reminded of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  |
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summer007
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« Reply #28 on: December 31, 2003, 08:32:37 am » |
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Out of 6 years in the Assm I think one Christmas fell on a Sunday. And it was strange being in a meeting on Christmas Day. I think I met up with my Family later in the evening and definately on Christmas Eve..to collect all the gifts they always bought me.. I would leave with Bags of Stuff always feeling like a real cheapskate..so I started giving them token Christian Books ...I think they all rolled their eyes in a O'Brother what next type of thing...they bare with me well...But to say we did'nt Celebrate Christmas is not really true we went Carolling which I always Loved .I was in a few Christmas Plays that were fun, but not great by any means and we took food and misc things to some poor familys ... The only thing missing was the Idol Tree...I remember my Mother asking me why I had to be so Burdened that it is all very simple...(She is a confirmed Lutheran and I thought what do Lutherans know about the things of the Lord) His yoke is Easy , his burden is light....Maybe she was right after all....
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jackhutchinson
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« Reply #29 on: December 31, 2003, 09:34:45 am » |
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This was my first Christmas I spent with my family for 19 years. I am so thankful that I was able to spend such a wonderful time with my family at last. It was a lot like Thanksgiving, except with presents and I stayed for almost a week. This was the first time I had Christmas with my 10-year old neice. My family kept telling me how much they appreciated having me around, which was great to hear.
One night we watched "A Christmas Story" and I laughed uncontrollably all the way through. It's a classic. I admit I did see it a few years ago and I loved it then too.
My mom gave me some of my old decorations to use in my place starting next year.
I just explained to my mom that the real reason behind our prohibition of Christmas celebrations was the desire to minimize our contact with our families. With the exception of Thankgsiving there was always a reason to stay away from our families on holidays. Never again!
2004 will be the first year for many of us that will be assembly-free!
Happy New Year!
Jack
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« Last Edit: December 31, 2003, 09:37:06 am by Jack Hutchinson »
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