Who does she think she is?

[Delila Jahn]

This is my last message so I'm saying it all
Then I'll shut up and go away

   I like that Mary M. story in the bible.  Not just because I’m named after a
whore in the old testament either.  That sounds awful.  I shouldn’t write it.  Really, I
can’t help my name.  Blame my mother’s fascination with Tom Jones if you must.
“Why why why etc.”.  Makes me sick, a man so vain.
   And on that note: vanity.  Who do I think I am anyway, posting something that
calls our former leaders - and some current  George appointed leaders that continue in
some places - to come out of the closet? To name their sins and thereby set the rest of
the captives free.  [Either they have no regard for the souls of men or else they’re so
enjoying the fact that other are set to work daily peeling grapes for their consumption,
padding their egos, seeking their ‘counsel’ that they couldn’t bear to part with their
positions]  
   ‘Who does she think she is?” no doubt some have asked themselves as they
read the BB.  Well, I’m nobody with GG assembly credentials, though I labored like a
stupid horse for seven years. “It’s not how you begin the journey,” G would say,  “It’s
how you end.”  I left in utter shame.  I left after I was raped by a guy I’d introduced to
the saints and who was being discipled by a leading brother in Calgary.  After it
happened of course, I was too ashamed to do anything but try to pretend it didn’t
happen.  I’d put myself in a compromising position, taking a ride home with him after
the prayer meeting.  We were ‘friends’ and he was going to ask that leading brother if
we could ‘spend time’.  He never did, that I know of.  “It’s like we’re married
already” he said afterward.  I almost threw up.  Just cried and cried for days.  Poor
me, really.  Should have known better than to get myself raped. So I didn’t tell
anyone.
   Shortly after this happened I stopped going to the meetings.  There was no
point.  I couldn’t pray or worship anymore.  What was the point? I blamed myself.
My life was over as far as God was concerned.  I couldn’t tell anyone in the assembly,
regardless how much I respected the leading brother’s wife (Diane).  She was a sweet
lady, a kind person and gentle. Still, I couldn’t face them.  But he could, this guy.  He
could face them fine.  He didn’t have a problem with this. And he didn’t call it rape at
all.  He just ‘had to use the arm’ on me. Obviously, I had no self esteem at this point.
None.
    He’d known the Lord a long time and had different standards and though he
didn’t even let on that I was anything to him in front of the saints, he maintained that
in time we’d ‘make things right’ by getting married.  He acted like nothing was amiss
and planned to go on with the leading brother and myself  to Fullerton for the winter
seminar that year.  And they went.  I did not.  I set my answering machine to screen
my calls as I’ve already written in another post.  I was finished.  I was without hope
and without God in the world.  
   This guy continued to lead bible studies on the campus, replacing me as he’d
already started to do before the ‘incident’.  He went to Fullerton, was asked all kinds
of ‘personal’ questions by Tim.  Tim, at least this guy said, blamed me for enticing
the guy and they held on to him.  Eventually, the guy dropped out of fellowship too.
   A few girls came out of the wood work at the university, asking me if I’d had
a ‘relationship’ with this fellow - they were asking because so were they, they’d just
found out - at the same time - like hens in a hen house. One of them also claimed to
have been raped by the guy.   I don’t know if any of them were Christians.  
   This guy was the only one I had spoken to about what had happened.  I did not
have any friends in which I could confide outside the assembly and outreaches.   I
took a live-in nanny job for a single mother in the deep south-west end of the city and
disappeared.  A while after that I bumped into this guy’s ‘neighbour’ who was also at
the university.  She told me she’d taken him on as a project, taped some Oprah
episodes about people with sexual addictions and had also approached Bernie who
was still trying to ‘disciple’ the fellow.  I never had the guts to come right out and tell
any of the assembly what really happened.  Not until now.

   When I tried years later to reconcile to the assembly, I wrote some letters, one
to Tim.  I got a letter back saying basically that he hoped I was really repenting
because last time he heard about me I was running around in accusation of the
brethren.  He never once asked me what really happened.  The truth didn’t matter.
Just that I had compromised by even being alone with the fellow.  And that much is
true.  I shouldn’t have been alone with him.  I was stupid.  
   Still, once the damage was done, it was done.  None of those verses: Neither
life nor death nor principalities... yadda yadda yadda helped. I was used to being cut
to pieces and cutting myself to pieces over very little things; this sin was
unforgivable.  Remember, I’d been disciplined severely in front of all three leading
brothers in Ottawa once for talking on the phone and accepting a note from a brother
who never so much as touched me or made overtures to that affect.  I felt like a whore
then.  How does that compare with what happened with this ‘new’ one they were
trying to bring into fellowship.  Sisters were a dime a dozen.  It was big strong,
responsible brothers they were looking for to lead the meetings.  They couldn’t have a
sister in charge of campus outreaches forever now, could they?  This fellow was
important to Bernie.  So I tried to survive without God.  I met some good friends and
had a good time in the world, finished my Bachelor of Education and got a job
teaching in the far north.  
   But poor Calgary, and I did feel guilty for that.  The campus ministry basically
folded shortly after I left. Despite all the visitors and the big turn out at our campus
bible studies and all the new contacts, I had failed God and there was no hope now for
me in the assembly.  None at all before God.
   So, who am I anyway, to say such things?  Apparently, I am no different in
regard to being a sinner than any of those leaders I call on to come forward and
confess their sin.  After all, it’s good for the soul.  I’m no different at all, except I was
not an abuser of others. And that I’m a woman and I imagine that alone would abhor
GG.
   And by writing any of  this, I am not justifying myself.  I can not justify
myself.  The only difference between myself and the leaders who are absent despite
the fact that most of their ‘sheep’ are wondering around, is that I never chose to
destroy another human being so that I could look a little taller or appear ‘more
spiritual’ in my own eyes.  I never stepped on anyone in order to bow their will before
me, to cause them to conform to my way of thinking, to extinguish their autonomy.  I
never shook my head to another saying “That sister, boy has she got a lot to learn!”
And had that abuse not been dished out to me, despite what happened or how I fell or
compromised, there still might have been hope for me.
   Of course now I realize that all this is simply a matter of perception.  And I
perceive things differently now, especially lately, so of course there is that hope for
me if I’m willing to take a chance on God again.  I’m not here on this web site
because I have a monopoly on the mind or will of God or pretend to be the least bit
spiritual.  I asure you, I know I’m not.  I caution any of those who ‘read’ as guests but
never think you’d stoop to post with the likes of us - Are you spiritual?  I’m here
because it’s the right thing to do.  I had unfinished business here.  We all do, I think,
all of us who were involved in this abusive dynasty that has imprisoned so many for
so long.  In contrast, these ‘workers’ of George saw it their duty to protect his
reputation and his vested interests in maintaining the dynasty regardless of the lies
they had to tell and the people they had to step on and coerce and manipulate and
bully in order to maintain that power.  
   
   Wow.  Now I have nothing to hide, it’s liberating.  Come on George and all
those who were too close to the abuse to see it for what it really was, jump in.  The
water’s great.  I’m going now so there will be lots of room for you.  Take a bath.  You
probably need one.  

Good bye everyone.

Delila Ruth Hesketh (nee Jahn)

PS: remember that verse: confess your sins to one another and pray for one another
Well, do that.  Good sailing to all.

[M2]

Dear Delila,

I think that you are a precious child of God, that's who i think you are. The Lord Jesus came for people like you and me. We are not the ones who have it all together and therefore the scribes and Pharisees who were our leaders lorded it over us. I did try to conform, but gave up even before GG's excomm.. I believe that the leaders (except for those who have truly repented) lack and have always lacked spiritual discernment and do NOT know the leading of the Spirit of Christ. They are well versed on GGism and were trained by none other than GG and BG. They are willing to sacrifice the sheep, one at a time, so that the 'testimony' can be preserved. So many times I was grieved. Some times I even voiced my opinion, but to no avail.

How sad that they controlled people and then destroyed lives. But God did not forget. I am very touched by your story and thoroughly enjoy your posts, so I hope that you will continue to contribute to this BB. Many others who read here are blessed and motivated by what you have to say. Please don't "shut up and go away".

Lord bless you,
Marcia

[Mark Kisla]

Dear Delila,

I think that you are a precious child of God, that's who i think you are. The Lord Jesus came for people like you and me. We are not the ones who have it all together and therefore the scribes and Pharisees who were our leaders lorded it over us. I did try to conform, but gave up even before GG's excomm.. I believe that the leaders (except for those who have truly repented) lack and have always lacked spiritual discernment and do NOT know the leading of the Spirit of Christ. They are well versed on GGism and were trained by none other than GG and BG. They are willing to sacrifice the sheep, one at a time, so that the 'testimony' can be preserved. So many times I was grieved. Some times I even voiced my opinion, but to no avail.

How sad that they controlled people and then destroyed lives. But God did not forget. I am very touched by your story and thoroughly enjoy your posts, so I hope that you will continue to contribute to this BB. Many others who read here are blessed and motivated by what you have to say. Please don't "shut up and go away".

Lord bless you,
Marcia

Thank you Delila for the time and effort you put into sharing your assembly experience. Your  honesty is couragious and the pain you suffered is humbling to read. I admire the gift you have  in your ability to express yourself   and I agree with Marcia, 'Please don't "shut up and go away"
God be with you,
Mark K

[Mark C.]

Dear Delila,
  You may stop posting, but the memory of your story is forever burned into all our hearts.  It is so very important that we hear these "testimonies" because the kind of abuse that went on in the Assembly can appear to be of such a subtle nature.
   When we all came to meetings and rejoiced together underneath it all was the silent suffering that nobody saw.  The utterly despicable act of rape that Delila tells now for the first time was not the only such story.  We know of several cases of child molestation that were tolerated because the brethren accused were valuable to the work.
   Another kind of abuse is the kind that says, "I am God's servant, trust me", and then when you do you discover that you are being taken advantage of ( a kind of spiritual rape?) by the ones' you trusted.  You are told that you are loved and at the same time made to feel worthless to them.  Not only are you told that you are worthless to them you are also told that you are worthless to God!!
   How many suicides, years of grief, and lost connections to God has the Assembly machine managed in the last thirty years?!  More than will ever be shared here on the BB, but God knows and each story is near to His heart.  I believe with all my heart that these little one's, these little wandering lambs, these run over by the wheels of a false religious system; these are the apple of His eye and their names are written on His hands!!  
   When I read the Gospel stories and read those stories of Jesus meeting broken individuals one can easily see a similarity to those who share their stories here.  When we see Jesus' anger against a heartless religious system and the leaders who ran it we can see His anger against the Assembly.  When I see Jesus accepting the broken hearted tears of a sinner woman and defend her before these same religious leaders I can also see Jesus' rebuke of those still trying to keep the system going and pointing out how "bitter" we are here on this BB.
   Till my dying day I hope I never lose the passion to defend those beaten down by a false religious system or take the advice of some to "just get on with my life"!
   Thanks to Delila, and others like her, we will never ever forget!!!  
                       God Bless,  Mark C.

[Kimberley Tobin]

Delila,

PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE don't go away!  Your writing is gifted and I know others will agree with me, that it is cathartic to read your experiences and thoughts.  This is what this BB is here for.  Perhaps it will also give those silent readers the encouragement to begin posting.

Dialoguing with one another about our experiences is not gossip, nor bitterness.  It is therapy.  It is a forum to come together and discuss what happened with us and to heal together.

Please keep posting, we need you here!

[tkarey]

Delila,

This board will be poorer if you don't stay. After I post I always feel like a complete idiot, even if I only say hi!  But, hey, like you said we have unfinished business and hearing yours is good medicine.

Please stay.

Karey Thornton

[Delila Jahn]

Picture here:
A 'mature' sister in the Lord sits down with a 'new one' to do an extra Chapter Summary.  When it's the 'new one's' turn to share she says:

"I don't get it.  It just didn't make any sense to me."

the reply from the mature sister:

"Just because you don't get it doesn't mean it doesn't make sense.  You need to humble yourself before God and He will teach you.  You need to wait at his feet until He speaks.  He'll open your mind.  Here, I'll tell you what it means..." proceeds to read.

Think about it.  Were you ever asked to suspend your own thinking until at last the Lord 'revealed' through the ministry more than likely, exactly what God was saying.  Or did you ever hear what was being said, disagree and just keep your peace until you were convinced what was said was true or just got too tired to reason for yourself?

Suspended Cognition - I think we could call it.  The brain goes into auto pilot, learns to say AMEN at the right times and PRAISE THE LORD when appropriate but otherwise, light's on but no one's home.

I thought about that today and it made me sad.  

Delila

[Kimberley Tobin]

Yeah, I argued alot.  I can remember a time about 2 - 3 years into my 15 year stint.  This is when the workers came back from the workers seminar and began sharing the "Handbook to Happiness" with great zeal.  I distinctly remember arguing with the LB's wife who was sharing this with me (don't even remember exactly what my point was........it doesn't really matter.)  I will never forget how she treated me.  I don't remember the exact words, but the disdain was transparent.  It was communicated very clearly that I simply wasn't "mature" enough to see it and she was going to "pray for me" that I would see what everyone else was seeing.

I know I was on a lot of people's prayer lists!  Especially towards the end!

[Delila Jahn]

I believe that what you wrote is a good exampe of brain washing.  The reason we didn't recognise it is bc at the time we were taught to be worried about other things, like the wickedness of our own hearts or the New Age movement or the 'testimony'.  Nobody worried about brainwashing but there we were, singing: "I'm going to wash them brains right outta my hair!"
Delila