Empty Nest Syndrome vs Teens at Home.

[summer007]

Many of you on the boards have grown children as well as children who have left the Home. Has anyone experienced "Empty Nest Syndrome" ?.( I really don't think I'll come down with it when my Daughter goes to college next year, maybe with my Son, but I dought it.) We have the classic Mother/Daughter clashes. And although she had 62 kids in the Christian Club today and God is doing an amazing work with her, we still seem to butt heads on minor things. Can anyone relate to this?   Summer. p.s. I do Love her Dearly.

[moonflower2]

Yes! I can relate. The head-butting goes away when they do.

When my oldest left, I cried for a week. If someone else hadn't shared with me that they did the same thing (before it hit me) I would have thought that I was strange.

For me, it was gut-wrenching to have them leave home to go to school, even tho there were clashes when they were home. They become such a part of your life that you will miss them, and, I think, especially more because you had a close enough relationship with them to even have clashes.

It's hard to imagine that you will miss them, because of conflicts that you have now,  but you will. And they will miss you, too.

It seems that you both look at eachother in a different light, after they have been away for a while. You each have a new respect for eachother as adults, and the relationship changes.

You'll even miss the diaper days and the days that they came in to talk to you when you were brushing your teeth and.....

[summer007]

Thanks Moonflower2 I do suspect I may feel the same way and really don't want her to leave the state, that seems like it would be harder to take. Boy was she sweet today, even invited me out to dinner. We are very close, and do alot together, so I'm sure I'll miss her very much.  Summer

[lenore]

 
Hello Moonflower and Summer:

Your topic is a very good Topic.

With my circumstance, the empty nest started prematurely due to conflict (actually a war zone) between my youngest and myself.

Sara is a head strong, outspoken, opinionated, willful, (the list goes on and on).
We couldnt live together anymore, this February past, she left home to go live with a Christian Couple.

Sara wont be 18 until December 17th.

I took this past year as a empty nester, to be selfish, to take care of me, to begin the healing within myself.

There is a holiday coming up that I am dreading.
Christmas...I dont know what is going to transpire.
I havent spent a Christmas with my oldest daughter in 8 years.
I have never spent Christmas with my grandsons.
Now I am wondering if the last of my own special family rituals will die this year.

I know there will still be the family gathering at my folks place where my brother and sister and their families gather for noon hour CHRISTMAS DINNER.

I wonder if I will be spending Christmas Eve and Early Morning alone this year.

This is my experience so far as having no kids in the house.

On the other hand, my furry four legged children are getting the attention of this empty nester.

[summer007]

Lenore,  Does your church have a Christmas Eve candlelight service that you could attend? or could you have the twins over or visit your other daughter? I hope it works out, your family dinner sounds nice and if your alone chr eve and chr morning you'll still have the Lord with you. Try not to dread it, look for a Happy solution, I know easier said then done. You'll be in my prayers....Summer

[moonflower2]

Hi Lenore,

I'm divorced from my kids' dad and I've spent Christmas days/eves without my kids, but at a friends' or a neighbor's home with or without their kids. It doesn't always have to be immediate family to make it a special time!  

It seems from your posts that you are involved in several groups. You may find that someone else will be spending their time away from their kids, too. I'll wager that if someone knows that you will be by yourself, you will get an invite to spend the time with them!

I agree with Summer; we never are really alone when we have a God who is right there. If He is watching over the birds of the air, He is keeping an eye on us, too.

[lenore]

 

Thank you for your response to my speaking of my experiences and fears.

What was my own tradition with the girls when they were small?

We did all the society tradition things too, but we included a birthday party for Jesus, Christmas Eve.
Even after we come home from the Christmas Eve services.
Our church has not had a Christmas Eve service for about three years now.

Even though we put out treats for the big guy in the red suit.
We have wine glasses out, with ginger ale.
Even a little cake with a candle.
The girls and I would wish Baby Jesus a happy birthday.

Then when the girls went to bed. I would put away the treats and put out their presents under the tree and fill their stockings.

The girls and I would open the presents under the tree in the morning.
Then we would wait to get picked up to go Braeside about three miles west of Arnprior, to my parents place for CHristmas Dinner.
Christie's father would come up from Ottawa and pick Christie up and take her to Ottawa to have Christmas with him and his family.
Christmas Night would be at home with Sara and I.

SInce my birthday is December 26th, Boxing Day. It was a day that was rarely celebrated, until recently when I get invited to the pastor's house for a meal.

Christie lives in Ottawa which is 45 miles east of Arnprior, and since I do not drive. Since Christie was shuffled around so much as a child on Christmas. She preferrs to stay put and make the boys Christmas exclusively  at home.

It has been 7 years since I had Christie home for Christmas, I have never celebrate Christmas with the boys. I have never been invited to either. I buy them presents, but I have never watched them open them. Sara has, she usually spents parts of the school holiday break down there.
With this year, the new baby Christie is expecting around Christmas , Sara may spend time down in Ottawa this year for Christmas.

I havent really been obsessing with the idea of spending those ritual times alone. But the toughts have cross my mind now and then.

It was also two years ago Christmas , that I was hospitalized for a emotional breakdown for 7 days.

THere was only one Christmas that I ever spend alone.
It was the year Sara was born. SHe was born December 17th. The day Sara was supposed to come home, and CHristie came down with the CHicken Poxs. I had to sent CHristie to spend a month with my parents in Braeside, I was living in Ottawa at that time.  Due to going high risk with my pregnancy.
THe day of CHristmas, was a bad ice storm. I was living in a high rise apartment building. THe power went out.
There I was no heat, with a week old baby, by myself.
I had the tree decorated and presents under the tree, when it was safe for Christie to return.
It was lucky that I was trying to nurse at that week.
I remember that Christmas 1986. A plow hit a fire hydrant and the water sprayed up a tree. In addition to the ice storm, making everything ice. That tree and the surrounding the hydrant was just one big popcicle. Beautiful in the sun.
I dont think that tree thawed out until spring.
Well  there is abit more of my history. I thank you for your suggestion and concern.

Lenore

[outdeep]

My son just turned 17 which I believe in talking to folks can be the worst age of all.  It means he want's to be 18 and independent, but he is not able to do that yet (he doesn't even have a driver's license).

There are times I think to myself "11 months to go!" and wish him out of the house.  

Here are the ways I encourage myself
1.  At times he is self-centered and lazy, but that doesn't define the complete him.  When he wants to do something (such as when he works for a paycheck), he can be very responsible.

2.  The cause-and-effect thinking is the last thing to develop in an adolescent mind.  This is why they tend to be more risky, more short-sighted, more immediate.  This is a stage they are going through.  They will not always be that way.

3.  When I talk to parents who had trouble (often worse trouble) they generally tell me that when the child goes out and grows up, they come back and often have a great relationship.  Sometimes real life has a way of maturing people.  It's a process.  Throw away Fugate.  It doesn't work at this stage.

4.  At all costs, keep communication open - that is what I tell myself.  There is so often I would like to give sweeping ultimadiums.  When I cool down and think about it, I realize that the situation is really not that bad and it can be discussed with a cool head.  I'm not saying that I am a whimp with my kids and occasionally I have to draw the lines, but what worked when they were little doesn't always work now.

5.  Only make rules you can enforce.  You can say "don't smoke in the house", but you can't say "don't smoke at all".  There ain't no way you are going to enforce the latter.

6.  The reason we get upset with our kids is that we are afraid.  We have less control over them and we fear that something bad is going to happen to them because we are unable to protect them.  Don't make any decison out of fear.

7.  Don't compare your kids to other people's kids.  Whether your kid's character flaws are your fault or something that happened due to genetics or environment, it is water under the bridge.  Your kids are what your kids are.  You can't go back and do things differently.  Just believe that when your kids were growing up, you did the best you could based upon what you knew at the time and the things you were dealing with.  

There is probably more, but I have to get to the post office.

-Dave

P.S.:  The bullet points above might give the impression, I have this all wired.  Believe me, I struggle with these things every day.  The empty nest years often look very attractive to me right now.

[M2]

Here are the ways I encourage myself
1.  At times he is self-centered and lazy, but that doesn't define the complete him.  When he wants to do something (such as when he works for a paycheck), he can be very responsible.

This is a very positive thing Dave.  Our objectives as parents is to equip our children for life on their own.  If he is responsible out in the work place, then I would say "fait accompli" or "mission accomplished".
Kids are always different with the family than with others.  If they are kind and polite with their friends and others outside the immediate family then rejoice.

2.  The cause-and-effect thinking is the last thing to develop in an adolescent mind.  This is why they tend to be more risky, more short-sighted, more immediate.  This is a stage they are going through.  They will not always be that way.

3.  When I talk to parents who had trouble (often worse trouble) they generally tell me that when the child goes out and grows up, they come back and often have a great relationship.  Sometimes real life has a way of maturing people.  It's a process.  Throw away Fugate.  It doesn't work at this stage.

4.  At all costs, keep communication open - that is what I tell myself.  There is so often I would like to give sweeping ultimadiums.  When I cool down and think about it, I realize that the situation is really not that bad and it can be discussed with a cool head.  I'm not saying that I am a whimp with my kids and occasionally I have to draw the lines, but what worked when they were little doesn't always work now.

5.  Only make rules you can enforce.  You can say "don't smoke in the house", but you can't say "don't smoke at all".  There ain't no way you are going to enforce the latter.

6.  The reason we get upset with our kids is that we are afraid.  We have less control over them and we fear that something bad is going to happen to them because we are unable to protect them.  Don't make any decison out of fear.

7.  Don't compare your kids to other people's kids.  Whether your kid's character flaws are your fault or something that happened due to genetics or environment, it is water under the bridge.  Your kids are what your kids are.  You can't go back and do things differently.  Just believe that when your kids were growing up, you did the best you could based upon what you knew at the time and the things you were dealing with.  

Those are all excellent points Dave.

Recently my husband has taken up Xbox cooperative action with my son.  This has given them some common ground of communication, and something they can have fun doing together.

God bless,
Marcia

[summer007]

Dave, It's nice to get the male perspective on this subject. I liked the "11 months to go" as I've done some counting down myself and yes the "empty nest" does seem quite attractive at times. My daughters now driving which is great and my son should be driving by the end of the month. This really helps and makes them more independent. (no more driving to and from the school,etc) Funny thing happened over the weekend we had a family/friends birthday party for my one year old neice. My son (16) had the "Baby Party" dates mixed up. He'd been invited to the USC game at the collecium. He was expected to be at the "Family" event. I ended up letting him go to the game as I realized every guy at the party would of rather been at the game too. Everything worked out fine, of course he was missed, but everyone ended up being happy. What would you have done?   Summer.

[outdeep]

Dave, It's nice to get the male perspective on this subject. I liked the "11 months to go" as I've done some counting down myself and yes the "empty nest" does seem quite attractive at times. My daughters now driving which is great and my son should be driving by the end of the month. This really helps and makes them more independent. (no more driving to and from the school,etc) Funny thing happened over the weekend we had a family/friends birthday party for my one year old neice. My son (16) had the "Baby Party" dates mixed up. He'd been invited to the USC game at the collecium. He was expected to be at the "Family" event. I ended up letting him go to the game as I realized every guy at the party would of rather been at the game too. Everything worked out fine, of course he was missed, but everyone ended up being happy. What would you have done?   Summer.

My oldest is 17 and and he still does not drive.  At first, I was happy he didn't drive right away because I didn't feel he was mature enough to do so.  However, now things swung the other way and I am making him take driver's education so he can get his license at 18.  My youngest son, 14, will probably get his driver's permit on the very hour the DMV opens on the earliest day he can get it.

I would probably have let my kids go to the game.  I don't know if your son would want to go a one-year-old's birthday party (presumably to visit with other relatives) had he not made the date mistake.  I tend to play my "this is the way it's going to be" card sparingly and use it only when I need to.

It's probably one of those things that there are no real "right" answers (where is Ginger and Betty when you need them?   )  If there is a reason that you feel the family gathering is of importants to your son, then it is time to make a stand.  If not, then maybe he can participate when the niece turns 2.  

Raising younger children tend to be cut-and-dry.  You set up boundaries, you enforce boundaries, you are god.  With adolescence, it is that choosing of what battles to fight,  what choices to give them, what to let slide.  I certainly don't feel that I made the right choices all of the time.  But, whenever I get discouraged about that, I just think about how worse off my kids would be if I had never tried at all.

[summer007]

Dave,  Good reasoning on your part. It really became a no-brainer..lets see Trojan's or Baby Party. My childrens Father died of a heart-attack 2 years ago, so I like my son to see his Uncles as often as possible. Either way were all close and he just saw my niece a few weeks ago and will see her Thanksgiving if not before then.   Summer p.s. bad joke in reference to G&B gasp, cringe...

[lenore]

 :)January 31st

In a couple of weeks, will be one year since Sara moved out of the house.

So I have had a year of empty nesting.

I am still trying to sort through feelings. I have to admit that it has been the best thing that Sara and I didnt cohabitate any longer.  We were too strong alpha female types, and the head butting got us no where.

I have had a busy year , with going back to school last spring taking a computer course at the high school I graduated 30 years ago from.
Then becoming a part of the local Community Mental Health Clinic where at our Drop Inn Centre, with activities of being involved, like bowling, swimming, going to the gym, trips to the city, and drives through the country, going to Kingston for a workshop. Things I most like would never have gotten involved with.
Of course with my church work of Sunday School, Alpha and Signing the Sunday Morning WOrship SOngs.  Also this past year, getting involved in the BB.
So in alot of ways I became involved in a couple of aspects of my community. Becoming a Grandma again a couple of weeks ago.
I also am going through medical tests so a round of doctor's appointments and treatments.

Despite of being busy and involved, and even though being alone doesnt bother me, because I am comfortable in being alone, IT IS THE LONELINESS THAT CAN HAVE A VERY LOUD RING.

Despite that Sara my youngest child who turned 18 this past December, doesnt live at home.
Sara will be graduating high school this June, and is applying and taking tests for college and was able to get on the honour roll. Which is a might answer to prayer of many who are praying.

I guess my feelings of the past year as a empty nester is quite mixed.  It is only in the last couple of weeks, being down with a severe case of intestinal virus, that I had two weeks being a home alone, that I could reflect on how alone I am.  Yet it wasnt that bad.
I did have a furry head of my dog on my lap, and a furry body of a cat on my shoulder to comfort me when I was feeling the weakest of this illnesses.
In otherwords I am still working out the feelings and the kinks of being an empty nester.