What Does the Bible Say About Dating?

[Eulaha L. Long]

Here's a question for anyone who wants to take the challenge: what DOES the Bible say about dating?

[Peacefulg]

Hi Eulaha, define dating!  I personally lean mores towards courtship, because the word and what it stands for has not been as corrupted by the world.

But to be honest we all can say we know of Christians that dated a lot and they have blessed marriages, and there are some that did not "date" at all that have blessed marriages.  Just be faithful to the Lord and his things, and you will have Peace about to date or not to date.  

My two cents and by no stretch the end of this talk, which I know will help us all grow.

George

[auntiefluffy]

The bible actually says not a thing about "dating".  {to my knowledge} The scriptural method for finding a mate and marriage was actually betrothal.
When you were betrothed, you were legally bound.  To end a betrothal covenant, a divorce was actually needed.  So much different than what we have now-a-days.  Even in the "church".  

You could go to biblegateway.com and do a word search for betrothal and it will tell you all the scriptures where you find that word.

Another option is to search out current teachings on betrothal/dating/courtship.      www.boldchristianliving.com

Dr. SM Davis' ministry.  http://www.drsmdavis.com/module/store/vbc/21/
You can find the names and descriptions of his 9 tape audio series on betrothal.  {I won't post them here, but will just let anyone interested follow the link.}
 
There is also a web site with all the different perspectives, including a good link for betrothal.
http://www.girlsoffaith.com/betrothal.htm       The articles at the bottom are a good read, as well.    You can click back to home page from this link for courtship and dating articles.

hope that helps.
blessings,
auntiefluffy

[Oscar]

The Bible, as many have pointed out, says nothing about dating.

Many assembly errors, and errors of other groups as well, come from an unspoken assumption.  The assumption is that the Bible can guide every aspect of church and personal life.

This is actually true, up to a point.  It is in going beyond this point that trouble starts.

For example, the Bible has a WHOLE lot of teaching about HOW to live.  It says nothing at all about WHERE to live.

It says  much about marriage and family life.  But, again, it says nothing about how to find a wife.
My own belief is that this is because God, looking down through human history knew that the Gospel was for all times and all nations.  Primitive tribes and modern urbanites live in different situations.  

There are those who try to make the Bible tell us everything.
I have heard teaching that we should all be farmers or herdsmen, since that's what Abraham the father of the faithful did.  Are we not to walk in the steps of the faith of our father Abraham?   Answer, yes, we are to emulate his faith.  But not his lifestyle.

Let everyone who thinks we should live like Abraham immediately move into a tent!

What I would like to hear is what the Bible has to say about whether I should drive a Ford or a Chevy.

[Scott McCumber]

Tom,

Excellent point. Something I've had to work out for myself over the years while praying about jobs, moves, etc. Never could find a scripture telling me what to do.

It's something I've been clarifying in my mind recently but if you could expand on that same topic, I would love to hear it.

Scott

[Eulaha L. Long]

I agree with you Tom.  I think the Assembly can get "cult-like" when one starts to make presumptions about the Word of God.  Just because the Bible says nothing about dating doesn't mean that it's wrong to do so.  The Bible doesn't speak about driving-does that mean you must get rid of your vehicle?  Of course not-that would be ridiculous!

I think dating can be a fun thing to do, if you go about it the right way.  I am not preparing myself for divorce, as the Assembly teaches, but rather, I am learning about what kind of man I would like to be married to.  

Any comments from current Assembly members?

[garylwilson]

Hi
My name is Gary Wilson
I am in Fullerton. First started coming out in 72
Actually meant my wife a year before.  But started courting
her right around the time I came into fellowship in Fullerton
I never asked anyone for permission to spend time with her.
Prior to being saved I had dated alot.  Kinda like the candy store thing.  You know sample this - sample that.

When I started spending time with Linda things were so different.  I believe God had changed how I viewed dating.
Linda and I used to go to Costa Mesa Calvary Chapel together.  A brother and sister thing.  But God put her on my heart gave me a promise and off I went.

What was different was I asked her to go to Calvary like before but I knew things were different.  That night in fear and trembling I told her I thought God might be bringing us together.  I wasn't dogmatic.  It was just on my heart to be right up front with.  No games.  Just simple honesty.

She asked the question, if God is bringing us together, what does he want?  I told her I would pray about it.
God begun to give me so much light on our relationship and
what he wanted.  We were both astounded.

But God changed so many of my attitudes about relationships between men and women.  He gave me a value for Linda that I had never had for other women.
He forced me to take the lead in so many ways.  In confessing my love for her, in caring for her, etc.

So is dating wrong:  What is dating?  You could say Linda and I dated.  But the content [value] of what we did was so different.
To me dating is just a word.  Call it dating, spending time together, courting, blah blah blah.
I think the important thing is what is the individuals motives and intentions.  If there is mutual respect, openness and honesty then the chances of damage are lessened.
I think we all need to remember the other person we are involved with belongs to God.  The world approaches things so differently.

Oh, Linda and I started spending time together (dating) in
November.  I asked her to marry me on April 6th (her birthday).  I also believe God gave me the day to ask her.
That is another story.  I never asked permission to ask for
her hand in marriage.  I did let some in leadership know that
was my intention.

I hope that helps.  This is not to say God always leads how he lead me.  I simply say God knows and God works.

[karensanford]

Gary, thank you!!  That is a really nice "how we got married" story.  

Eulaha, sorry I can't give you the Assembly perspective.  However, as a former habitual dater (that was how I ate regularly while in college!!) I can tell you that it wasn't much different than any other area of my life in terms of the Lord.  When I asked Him to show me His will, He did.  When I didn't, He placed it upon my conscience anyway.  

When I first met the guy who ended up being my husband, God absolutely CLEARLY told me to break up with the boyfriend I had at the time.  I just didn't know why at first.  It's much clearer in retrospect.  

As far as the Bible not saying anything about dating, I look at dating as one of the "sign of the times" type of items, like driving cars as was previously mentioned.  Back then, there were different cultural procedures for "dating" or finding the person you married.  I think dating is our cultural procedure today.

But anyway...like anything else, it can be done in a God-honoring, or NON God-honoring, manner.

[jesusfreak]

I came across this thread and laughed.  I have often wondered how I might find a future wife, and even though i kept a stand that the Lord will lead me to that perfect partner, the wonderment toward what *I* could do to add or supplement the process often went through my head.  

With a glimpse, one can easily see that the widely sold form of meeting your future spouse was based on the concept of (as someone put it) sampling a little bit here and there to find exactly what qualities you would want.  I personally quickly likened this to a variation of divorce, although without the binding agreements.  When 2 people come together in a relationship meant to be close and intimate (such as dating), emotions will flair and hormones will soar.  Due to the lack of binding dedication, the couple has no reason to stay together when it comes convienent to seperate, and off they are to sample something else.  

Although one can examine the themes of the increasing in dating and the parralleled increasing divorce rates (does this teach us that we can marry, sample, and re-marry?), there is a biblical side to all of this.  When a man or a woman gets into a close relationship with another, those emotions will fly, "love sickness" will become prevelent, and the thought will come "what can i do without him/her".  If one stirs up such emotions, than breaks them off to move on to something else, that person has just defrauded that other.  They have tempted him/her with something they were not willing to give / could not give, and have thus stolen those feelings without care that his/her future spouse will be defrauded as well.

I know that the above has not been eloquent, but it is hard (at least for myself) to put ideas that the Lord has given, onto paper.  Just think about what is "consumed" during the dating process, what is left behind on the 2 involved (scars?), and how does this affect the future spouse (and even the individual in the first couple, caring needless scars).  Any way it goes, i have learned that the Lord does indeed guide us to where he wants us, and all we can do is maintain that holy fellowship with the brethern and sistern of Christ.

So is dating wrong:  What is dating?  You could say Linda and I dated.  But the content [value] of what we did was so different.
To me dating is just a word.  Call it dating, spending time together, courting, blah blah blah.
I think the important thing is what is the individuals motives and intentions.  If there is mutual respect, openness and honesty then the chances of damage are lessened.
I think we all need to remember the other person we are involved with belongs to God.  The world approaches things so differently.

[Eulaha L. Long]

Luke,

Sounds like you have bought into the Assembly's way of thinking about dating.  Obviously you haven't dated before...how about comments from those of us who have dated or who are currently dating?

[JS]

[quote author=Eulaha L. Long
Luke,

Sounds like you have bought into the Assembly's way of thinking about dating.  Obviously you haven't dated before...how about comments from those of us who have dated or who are currently dating?

Sounds to me like a young man with personal convictions about purity and holiness in relationships.  1 Tim 5:2
Joshua Harris has a great book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye".  He came to these same conclusions without ever being a part of the "Assembly"

Joel

[Oscar]

Dear JS,

I agree that people come to similar conclusions without ever entering the assembly.

Legalism is not new.  The unwritten rule that explains much legalistic thinking is "if it is not specifically taught in the Bible it is forbidden."

Luke S. comments on dating are based on a false dilemma in his thinking.  It is not increased dating/increased divorce.
It is decreased influence of Christian values in our society which leads to increased indulgence of carnal behavior.

Another problem is the idea that God will guide you to His perfect choice for you.  Where does the Bible promise this?

Oh, I know, there are promises about guidance.  But they are very short on specifics.  Instruction in wisdom and morality are forms of guidance.  

In the assemblies, and in much of Christianity as well, a sort of sloppy mysticism is common.  Someone is praying about getting married.  He has a conversation with sister X.  He is interested. The next morning he reads "And when He ascended on high He gave gifts to men".   He concludes that God has "given him a promise" that sister X is to be his wife.  When sister X marries brother Y he is devastated, at least until God gives him another promise.

As to the hurt feelings and such in dating, there are at least two check on this.
1. Christians are to behave themselves in a Christlike manner.  They are not to treat people selfishly.
2. Christians are to seek wisdom.  How can you know if sister X or brother Y will be a suitable spouse if you do not get to know them?  

The term dating is too broad.  It could mean anything from a cup of coffee in a public place, to doing something very foolish.   Just because something has a POTENTIAL for abuse doesn't make it wrong.  Do you drive a car?  Could you hurt someone?  Of course.   The key is to drive wisely and responsibly, not to tell people it is not God's will that we drive.

I used to date after I became a Christian.  I dated several girls, but one really caught my attention.  She had a real heart for God.  We had an argument about the doctrine of the Trinity on our first date.

January 28th will be our 38th anniversary.

God bless,
Tom Maddux

[Phil Strangman]

Tom, you had an interesting question. You asked, where does the Bible promise that God will lead whoever to His perfect choice for their husband or wife?

Psalm 84:11 says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly."

I know this verse doesn't say, "The Lord God will lead thee to thy perfect companion." But don't you think that if God has a will for each of our lives, that will includes who we will marry? Would God leave out such an important part of our lives in his will for us?

I also think that there is not much difference between dating and courtship; courtship to me seems to me more focused than dating, with the intent of possibly marrying this person from the get-go, but you're still spending time with a person you like.

I have much to learn, believe me, but those are just some thoughts.

[jesusfreak]

Luke S. comments on dating are based on a false dilemma in his thinking.  It is not increased dating/increased divorce.

It is my conviction to not needlessly defraud a Sister by stirring up emtions and feelings that I am not able to satisfy.  

[Oscar]

Phil,


"I know this verse doesn't say, "The Lord God will lead thee to thy perfect companion." But don't you think that if God has a will for each of our lives, that will includes who we will marry? Would God leave out such an important part of our lives in his will for us?"

Aha, now we get down to the nitty gritty.

"If God has a will for each of our lives".  The idea we picked up in the assembly was that God had a perfect will for every Christian, and if we strayed in any detail, we would miss "God's best".  (A Fullerton elder once tried to keep me in the assembly with this appeal).  

Where does the Bible teach this?  The Bible teaches much about our character and behavior.  How to live, work, talk, and live our married lives.    

But it says nothing about WHERE to live, WHERE to work, WHAT  to say, WHO to marry.  So Christians head straight for mysticville and try do discover God's will by some subjective experience.  One hears the words "sense, prompting, urging" and so on.   BUT WHERE DOES THE BIBLE TEACH THIS?

Of course, if you are in the assemblies, you could just head for the nearest leading brother and ask HIM to go to mysticville to find out God's will for you.  Again, where does the Bible teach THIS?

So, Phil, I would have to say that the answer to your question, "would God leave out such an important part of his will for us?", is yes He would.  Deliberately.  
That is why He has placed us as Sons.  We are supposed to become adults!  Could the Lord Jesus figure out a good marriage partner for you?  Of course.  We are supposed to grow to the "measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ". Eph 4:13.

In our culture, marriage choices are the responsibility of adults.  In the past, these choices were made by parents.
But, in our part of the world, that seems to be finished.

If you have a copy of  "Knowing God" by Packer, read the chapter "God our Guide".

God bless,
Thomas Maddux