MENTAL ILLNESS

May 5, 2005

THIS IS PART TWO :

I decided to use this thread, because I will be taking ownership of my feelings, ownership of my opinions, and ownership of what I preceived.

I SUFFER FROM A MOOD DISORDER.

I WAS GETTING CLOSED TO A BREAKING POINT EVEN PRIOR TO BATTLE.

I WAS LIKE A SHAKEN POP BOTTLE READY TO EXPLODED, AND THE LID WAS OPENED AND EXPLODED I DID.

MY FEELINGS ARE STILL ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SWINGING LIKE CRAZY , FROM WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, TO WANTING TO THROTTLED SOMEONE.
WANTING TO SCREAM TO WANTING TO DIG A HOLE AND BURYING ME IN IT.

THIS IS MOOD DISORDER... DEPRESSION...MENTAL ILLNESSES... VERY ACTIVE... AT PLAY.

NOW..
I am still very angry...still very much in pain...
This will take time to settle down as I sort it all out.
YES CONFESSION OF MY OWN PARTICIPATION OF THIS SIN WILL NEED TO TAKE PLACE...

Want I want to say...
When a person is going through a Mood Disorder Episode...

Although success stories, and platidues are wonderful inspiration for those who are on the way to recovery...but recovery is a very personal ...very unique...and have different stages that are involved.

I am recoverying..I hurdles still to over come...and circumstances like recently where feelings are being explored...can set you back..
When some one is in a mood disorder that is struggling like I was ...the success stories which were probably given in good intention...is not what a person going through their own private battle at the time needs or wants to hear... it is understanding..it is to have their own feeling recognized and acknowledge... it is acceptance as a person..it is a arm around the shoulder...a listening ear...understanding heart...even if you dont know what to say...even in silence gently waiting for the person to talk ...is all that the person requires to know that they are not alone in all of this...because going through an episode of a mood disorder seesaw..makes one feel very much alone.

Now my feelings with this battle...THESE ARE MY OWN FEELINGS...

I did open a pandora box...I took it very personal...but not just for me...I FELT AN INJUSTICE..because I FELT...as a participant of a group of people...whether it was social assistance or mental illness that was spoken about...I FELT..people ..I FELT...
people who are on social assistance /who suffer from mental illnesses....
even those who abuse the system...believe there are abuses...there are people who geniune need the help...I FELT...that people that were talk about ...are just that
PEOPLE...people who have feelings....people who have their own historical stories to tell...people who have demons of their own to conqueor...people have genetics, family disfunctional ..people who once had dreams and ambitions, who have lost HOPE..

PEOPLE WHO ARE LOST SOULS.......

I FELT ...THIS IS WHY I FELT THAT AN INJUSTICE WAS BEING DOWN.

MY FEELINGS....MY MOOD DISORDER CYCLE...

This why I FELT I HAD TO BE THE WIDOW WHO PERSISTENTLY WENT TO THE JUDGE WHEN AN INJUSTICE WAS BEING DOWN.

I AM STILL GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY OWN MOOD DISORDER CYCLE.

I ALSO LEARNED FROM THIS ....

I FEEL...I FEEL....
GOOD....
I DID SOMETHING...
I WENT TOE TO TOE....STOOD UP...BATTLED....FOR SOMETHING I STRONGLY BELIEVED IT...

IT MEANS AS I FEEL...THAT I CAN FIGHT FOR SOMETHING...
It may take time...
I can continue to fight for me, no matter how many steps I have to climb, no matter how many I fall back down, I can climb back up, one step at a time. Eventually I will get to the top.
Never give up...

A BIT OF HISTORY HERE:

I FELTS AGAINS..

I have had some pretty hard knocks in life, beginning from the age of 5..every time where I THOUGHT I CAN BECOME SUCCESSFUL, it is a lie..because the life long voice in my head said that i was not worthy to success ...A LIFE BULLDOZER OF AN CIRCUMSTANCE...KNOCKED ME RIGHT BACK..and that voice just reinforced see you cant do...THIS HAS OCCURRED OVER AND OVER AND OVER..until that voice , which I am now at 48 years old trying to expose and overcome...is fighting me all the way...THUS THIS RECENT EPISODE OF MOOD DISORDER MOOD SWING.

ANOTHER APOLOGY:

I want to apology to members and guest...re my Christian walk.

My journey walk is also link with my Mood disorder. If I gave you mixed messages about Christian love, I assure you my detour away from path towards eternity... God is taking my hand and redirecting me back....
In my anger...I was being human and gave in to the old nature...I am not perfect...but I am a perfectly good person...
GOD ISNT FINISHED WORKING ON ME...

SO PLEASE...please be encouraged that God knows all things, is all things..and will use what has gone on the last week...for his purpose...HE ALWAYS DOES...

Thank you for your prayers, support, encouragement, input, acceptance, understanding, and allowing me to express..
I felt this deeply...

Love you in Christ when in eternity, we will have that Perfect Love for each other, and will be able to laugh at this there.

Lenore